I looked up into the mystic night sky,
Where there are no gusty winds going by,
The small, twinkling stars, are just magic,
Then it becomes a nova, so beautiful however tragic.
The moon projects an icy-cold, silver beam of light,
It looks sinister and quiet, quiet as the long lasting night,
I want to jump up among the stars and fly,
When I look up into the mystic night sky.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
This poem wasn't bad, with great uses of imagey and well-conveyed emotions. Personally I love the night sky as I've had several strange dreams on the sky which makes this poem my kind of thing. However, despite the good use of imagery, the images are notheless slightly boring, with nothing that we haven't seen before.
As well as this, problems occur in the flow of the poem. Because you use rhyme, the rhythm has to be perfect and unfortunately, it's not.
EXAMPLE:
'The small, twinkling stars, are just magic,
Then it becomes a nova, so beautiful however tragic.'
A better line would be:
'The small, twinkling stars, are just magic,
Then it becomes a nova so beautiful BUT tragic.'
This line just seems to flow better.
Nonetheless, the poem was a well emoted, solid piece. Keep it up!
I disagree with Mad, because I prefer free verse. I find it much easier to express myself without worrying about rhymes. However, if you do rhyme, keep in mind that it's not just about the ending words. You also have to worry about the rhythm/meter. Right now, your rhyming lines don't have the same number of syllables, and this diminishes the effectiveness of the piece.
Also, re-do your punctuation. Just put it where you would put it in a prose format, and you should be good.
First off, I would replace "however" with "yet" to lessen the syllables. Then I would expand on this idea (probably the best in the poem). Show us what a nova is, how it's beautiful and tragic at the same time. You could some up with something really cool from that idea if you played with it a bit.
Keep writing!
I like the fact that you have used a rhyming pattern, I personally much prefer poems with some rhyming scheme compared to those without.
The use of light and night is good because it creates a good contrast, highlighting the poem. Also the repetition of quiet puts emphasis on the "long lasting night"
It's a nice poem, it's not necessarily one layered with deep meaning but is good in it's simplicity.
I hope to read another one of your poems
Nice, but shallow. It deoesn't leave the reader with any un-answered questions or oideas on which to ponder. We are left feeling your contentedness and tranquillity, but nothing else. Your poem does convey emotions very well, and it is a good read.
Hey Algi.
Poetry, fantasy or otherwise, goes in the poetry forum.
Moved to Other Poetry
IMP