Ice-Cream Days

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I'm usually not that great at poetry and try to stray away from it, but these are a few I wrote for school and though they actually turned out good enough to share. So let me know, good, bad, horible, any improvements. I want to know. :) The last one I wrote from a rash expirence. You may find it wierd to begin with, but read it again after you get to the end and let me know what comes to you.

Child, Why Cry?

Child, why cry so mere and weak?
Curl up into a ball and hide away.
Is there no one to wipe those tears that streak?
Dry you eyes and come out to play.

Child, are those bruises upon you face?
Give up; don't try and fight.
Does it hurt running from the chase?
Be strong; you can make it through tonight.

Child, who leave your tummy so empty and body so bare?
Hold on tight and cringe through.
Isn't there anyone in this world who gives a care?
Hear my words when I say, "I love you."

Ice-Cream Days

Dreams are filed inside a colouring page.
Falls are safe inside a cage.
The excitement comes within each day
As every tear can be wiped away.

A backyard filled of cuts and bugs.
Extra class can be given with mud.
Every word said is true.
Make it better with "I love you."

The lions rage can be cured with kisses and lies.
I now see what they were trying to hide
Bills, heartbreaks, and harsh working plays
Will never compare to those simple ice-cream days.

Beautiful Tainted Mayo

Along with tomatoes and cheese,
I will say yes, please.
You spread like butter,
And taste much sweeter.
Oh Baby, how my stomach does agree.

Although you take an exotic ride in my mouth,
there is one thing I can do without.
On my head
And off to bed,
I now know feel this ride veering far too south.

You should probably know
The causes of why you must go.
Your stench lingers in my hair,
And now I feel icky everywhere.
Oh how I love you beautiful and tainted
Mayo.

Comments & reviews · 2
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RaeSuz
Review
RaeSuz wrote a review · Thu Dec 16, 2010 2:50 am

Hi Alfreto,

I like that each of these poems is so different than the one before.

Just a few nitpicky things...

Child, Why Cry?

Dry your eyes and come out to play.


Give up; don't try to fight.


Child, who leaves your tummy so empty and body so bare?


Ice-Cream Days

Dreams are filled inside a colouring page.


A backyard filled with cuts and bugs.


That line is my favorite bit!

The lion's rage can be cured with kisses and lies.



Beautiful Tainted Mayo
I now know feel this ride veering far too south.


I believe it should be either "I now know" or "I now feel."

The reasons of why you must go.


Out of the three, "Ice-cream Days" is undoubtedly my favorite, but all of them are sweet and poignant. I think if you flesh them out and do a few revisions, they'll turn out to be gems.

Sincerely,
RaeSuz

Hey there, Alfreto :]

I guess I'll give my general feelings for each poem individually-

Child, why cry?
The first thing I noticed was grammar and spelling. It could be fixed up a bit, and although it seems like a very small problem, it can definitely take away from the poem and distract the reader. Just something to keep in mind. Other than that, it was a good, but sad poem.

Ice-Cream Days
I love it, and didn't really see anything wrong with it, other than one spelling mistake. But I actually really like it!

Beautiful Tainted Dressing
I saw nothing wrong with it. Haha. That's all I'm going to say :P

Overall
I really liked your poems, and I'd be interested to see other stuff by you, so feel free to PM me if you post any more, or if you have any questions about anything I've said~



Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights