I don't know if I put these poems in the right category because I'm not much of a poet. But I had to write eighty lines of poetry for school and these two I thought were good enough to share. Let me know what you think about them and how I can improve.
Dancing with the Dandelions
When I was young, I loved to play in the dandelions.
Only a weed, flourishing wherever they desired,
but in the same way beautiful, each petal holding a piece of light, making up the sun.
I watched as they kept society with one another.
Each one was different and yet, in another chapter, they were all the same,
dancing with the wind, crying with the sky.
There was a time in my life when I felt just like a dandelion.
Only a simple high-class weed, striving to be beautiful
in a world full of violets and roses.
Once age passed, however, I started to recognize the humanity in the dandelions;
how one never stood alone.
I had walked, loved, and danced with millions of other dandelions.
The violets and roses may shine high and mighty in the light,
but appear weak in the wind.
They will never receive the gift of living and feeling the light inside the rain.
As we strive through Heaven and fall straight into Hell,
only the glory of being a beautiful weed will tell.
The Song of the Dandelions
Her sallow body lingers in the sun
as dandelions, old and young, delicately hold her, gracious and strong.
Blood, no longer fresh, rises from underneath the outer layer of he skin.
It seeps from the wound along her head, shattered with wisps of brown hair.
Laying breathlessly, her sidelong body curves in so many different ways it's unimaginable.
Pus starts at her head and slides down her twisted neck.
One eye socket is bare, making a home for to inch six leg critters
with claws to make way through the rest of her system.
The other eye bulging, her iris around her blinded pupil, green as it carries a glimpse of sunlight.
A dress no longer white reveals her nakedness, tattered like the rest of her.
Once beautiful, but now forever forbidden to breathe,
she hides within the earth, protecting her until decay.
Years taken back, she was laughing and dancing with the dandelions all the same.
Her brown hair flowing around her shoulders, joyful in the sun,
living without heart-ache, waisting no muscle to move,
waisting no breath to live.
Her skin captured a shimmer of light stolen from the sun
and her snow white dress flew with the wind, causing a collision around her slender figure.
Dandelions, once blissful to play endless daylight with her,
but now weep onto her limp carcass.
She carried beauty, life, the warming sun, as well as the stars in the night.
Although, in present, she stays petrified within death,
her song will always be inside the dandelions, trapped within life, but free within spirit.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
You have some interesting and unique imagery here, which is great. Unfortunately, you have so much of it at once that it all melds together into a mess of imagery, which is not so good. I suggest, in the future, that you organize and streamline your imagery a bit. Right now, you're jumping all over the place with your metaphors and descriptions (especially in the second poem) that it makes it hard to follow how and why all the things you describe relate to what it is you're describing. Make the connections clearer, follow a more logical transition between the different pieces of imagery, and being a bit more consistent overall will help make your poems and imagery easier to enjoy.
Another thing you need to watch out for is that what you're writing makes sense. There are a couple of lines where the imagery is great, but it makes no grammatical sense; basically, prettiness took priority over meaning. One such set of lines is this: "Dandelions, once blissful to play endless daylight with her, / but now weep onto her limp carcass." "Blissful" is not a verb, so you can't "blissful" anything. Also, the "but" is unnecessary and confusing. You also have a couple of misspelled/misused words in these poems (like "waisting" instead of "wasting"), so I suggest you proofread these again more closely.
Overall, though, these aren't bad starts.
Very good use of personification. If I had to rank them in order of preference I would choose the first one entitled, "Dancing with the Dandelions" although keep in mind potential bias since this was posted ahead of "The Song of the Dandelions".
Very beautiful although the phrase "high-class" before the word "weed", is in a humorous light, an oxymoron, as gardeners are often portrayed as trying to eliminate those pesky weeds. However I can understand the context and I have little against these poems save the formatting where the start of each line is not capitalized, but I can also understand the style you used and you remained consistent which is the most important thing to do. Both poems are good although I picked the first one as my personal favourite due to the stronger balance of passion and personification you expressed in crafting it.
Sincerely,
-Elitehusky