Up to what cent does the world owe you,
my dear Baelia?
For all cruelty had crept in your shadow,
and darkness,
to what extent may I express,
wilt more to a tint of grey.
Were you seen of ill value full?
Or did you turn your back to light
and all joy which it renders?
Oh, what pity I succumb to upon hearing
the glitterless pair sprouting from gloomy earth
that is your soul!
They chirrup (Peroperoperopipi),
they buzz (Hum-grum-hum-dum),
and they
drift.
But were you worth to lose candor wings
from which may pride--of what angels know-- be measured?
Were you worth be painted grey, the color of rain?
Were you worth be shambled in lone
and frozen in cold, only be joined
by mortals suffering the same,
just be tormented by Satan in greed?
Oh, how I wish to fasten such glaze back into the earth
that is your soul
and pay the debt the world had owed you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, Alf here! This is poem's written, as I call it, in a neo-classical form, something jumping between classical and modern. I try not to divert from both paths as I wan't to revive classical poetry styles without disowning the queer properties of the modern style. Would you take a look at it and see if it can be better?
This has been in my to-do list for too long! So I'll jump right in.
I would first like to say that I loved the weird sense of familiarity that the name evoked in me. I first thought it was the goddess of infection from Skyrim, then googled to find it was the grey faerie from Neopets, and with all these weird references all over the place, it just mixed the name into a grey pestilence for me, but I'm not actually sure who you're trying to reference for REALS, you know? Anyway, the good thing is that the tone totally comes through -- this dark, creeping thing -- and makes me interested.
The bad thing is that the confusion I got from the name wasn't the only point of confusion. I might just have completely missed how you were trying to construct your sentences, but most of the lines didn't seem to have a logical sentence structure. Like, if I tried to diagram them, I wouldn't be able to because they were missing a verb? An independent clause? A subject? For example:
I feel like the first two lines might be meant as a standalone sentence? Or something? Even though the "for" feels like it's supposed to set off a dependent clause? And even if it's not, I'm not sure how it connects? For ... to ... ? I don't know that sentence structure. I could understand "for this, to what extent can I", but you don't set off "cruelty" as a noun phrase ("for all the cruelty that had crept in your shadow"); instead it's the subject of that dependent clause, so it doesn't actually connect to the next sentence? Add in the last line and I literally cannot make heads or tails of what this is supposed to say. What is wilting? The cruelty? Is there supposed to be a transition between the talk of expressing that allows us to connect the idea that the expression is the speaker wilting to the grey of Baelia?
I think classical language, as JohnLocke speaks of, fits the topic, but you can't just take conventional phrases you see and use them willy nilly. If you're not, I'm sorry, but that's what it feels like from here. I understand outpouring emotion, and it's good to do. But then it needs to get cleaned up a little so others can understand more clearly. Maybe whatever you associated with the phrase "Oh, what pity I succumb to" evoked the emotion correctly and clearly for you, but it leaves me with furrowed brow (literally, I am sitting here reminding myself to relax it 'cause my boyfriend would warn me of wrinkles) 'cause how can one succumb to pity? Ahhh!
Like I said, the tone is gorgeous. Some imagery shines through. I absolutely ADORE with all my being the insect noises, but because of the winding path of your sentences, I cannot get through this with full understanding and that really frustrates me. I would suggest writing it out as prose? Making sure your sentences move in a logical order? Maybe the line breaks threw you off your meaning?
Anyway, should you have questions or comments about this review, drop me a PM or a wall post and we can talk about it.
Good luck! Push further!
Thanks a lot for the review Ms. Hannah! I really learned a lot of stuff from ya
On some of the lines, though, like the 'succumb' one is more figurative than literal. I'm really used to writing figuratively, you know 
But anyways, thanks a lot! You've been a very supportive reviewer 
Let me just say that I am a religious reader of Classical poetry. I loved the words of Sophocles, Christopher Marlowe, the Great Bard of Avon, of course. When I have read poetry recently, I have been abhorred by the lack of appreciation for the Classical Masters and the monstrous outcome they often bring. Thank you for writing this piece. Your revival style is much to my liking. Your words were striking beautiful. Your imagery was stunning. Oh, forgive me for my ramblings, but I so loved this poem.
"Or did your turn your back to light..."
I think you meant, "Or did you turn your back to light..."
Being a lover of the Classics, I often read poetry aloud so that I may see if it flows. The first paragraph seemed to be a bit bulky. I cannot explain it, but it seemed almost wordy. Less is always more. The first two lines were beautiful, but after that it seems to become stifled. I wish I could be of more help explaining what I mean, but I cannot put it into words. It just seems to contain more words than necessary.
Overall, I so much loved this neo-classical form that you write in. Please, keep me posted on any poetry you write. I would love to read more. Happy Writing!
Hey John! Thank you so much for liking my piece about...her. Anywho! Great eye on that 'your', I never noticed it myself! And of course, a big thanks for sharing your impression about my first stanza. I'm just bursting out my emotion, is all. But I'll check up on it as you suggested!
Thanks again