"Her"
Chapter 3
To all who read 'Wait 'til Time Sparks' and 'Memories Up in the Attic, the first and second chapters of the poem anthology, Her, please read this spoiler. If you haven't, read and comment on them to fully understand the tale!
Wait 'til Time Sparks
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=91431&p=945566&hilit=time+sparks#p945566
Memories Up in The Attic:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=91732&p=945281&hilit=memories#p945281
Amber Rise
An Alfred Dorn Sonnet
The mist of morning seeped through my window
like tiny wisps of ghost white locks of hair
my eyes, filled of water, opened from sleep
as her voice echoed, surreally light and low
dancing over my dreams of summer's glare
and her smile blessed of sunlight, ocean deep
Steps of foot alight like a thief's, I took
An angel veiled by dawn's cloak roost and shook
I come to her, recognizing her eyes
clear as crystals, having Iris's brave glow
It was her. She held my hands; amber rose
and drifted to the sky in grace, ever slow
my every tear, held aloft, she dries
still she's gone, none changed. We just come and go.
Unveiling the Words
I really got chills. I love your writting. The words sucessfuly painted a picture in my mind.
The mist of morning seeped through my window
like tiny wisps of ghost white locks of hair
I think you should put a full stop there and then start with the next line with a caps.
my eyes, filled of water, opened from sleep
filled WITH water ... after opened from sleep insert full stop.
and on the next line i dont think you should start with as... just start with her.
as her voice echoed, surreally light and low
dancing over my dreams of summer's glare
and her smile blessed of sunlight, ocean deep
Steps of foot alight like a thief's, I took
An angel veiled by dawn's cloak roost and shook
Ummm I dont think that makes much sense... i think you should have just said; Footsteps alight like a thief's...... and i dont understand the roost and shook part.
I come to her, recognizing her eyes
clear as crystals, having Iris's brave glow
It was her. She held my hands; amber rose
and drifted to the sky in grace, ever slow
my every tear, held aloft, she dries
still she's gone, none changed. We just come and go.
Aww i love it.!. Im sorry if I sound mean... I think i sound like crap... Sorry!!!
Love
Hudz
X
Hi Hudzy! Thanks for the review. Just for clarification, I didn't capitalize the 'as' because it continues from the preceding line (my eyes, filled of water, opened from sleep as her voice echoed, surreally light and low.) I can't actually change the 'thief' part because I'm keeping a steady meter and rhyme scheme. And so goes with the succeeding line. Anyways, thanks for the review, dear Hudzy!
Your pal,
Al
I don't think WOW!!! is a strong enough sentiment. The poem has amazing imagery, and a certain air of mystery about it that sparks the imagination. (I didn't read the other ones, but I might do so shortly.)
Just a couple little things caught my eye: "ghost white" should be hyphenated, "a light" is one word, and "filled of water" struck me weird... I kind of think "full of" or "filled with" would be better, but it's up to you, of course. Oddly enough, "blessed of sunlight" sounded odd to my ears but still felt right.
All in all, such a beautiful poem. You've got real talent. I hope it gets recognised!
Write on, and God Bless!
~DragonGirl11
Thanks for the wonderful review, Dragon Girl! I don't think ghost white shouldn't be hyphenated, though. It's actually a name of a color. Anyways, thanks so much!
Wala akong makita na grammatical error. But here is to my criticism for the whole poem itself. For writers like us, it is easy to understand the simile's and cliche within the content, and I must say the verses made me picture out a very "after-rise" scene. What I love the most is the positive message of this piece. If I have to revised this on my own genre this would turn into something where the reader would want to cut his neck off after reading it (I WAS (yes, was) into dark poetry), but you made it "happier". I can't pin point any mistake and I just wanna give a huge (Y) for a great work!
Thanks for the Like, ate! Yeah, it's set one one early dawn. I wanted it to be dark originally, but I had a vision of this bright dawn which seemed to branch off all the darkness inside!