Young Writers Society

i just want to say that the thought behind this is beautiful but it would sound MUCH better without the rhyme. you shouldn't HAVE to find words to fit into the scheme, it should flow from one stanza to the next. there is a big price to pay for immortality, so this poem carries a really good message. just consider not including a rhyme scheme from next time, ok!

Hey!,quite a piece of work to smile at,although there are a few errors in it.Let the review BEGIN!

'First' of all should i say the title is shortsighted,it doesn't looking into the poem and tell us whats its all about.( or even an hint,as with most poems).it only tell us that this man had an ambition,it did on metion or state that he achieved this ambition.Well thats by the way

'second' of all This doesn't look all dramatic.You might see this useless,but its useful.Its pure narrative,you were the one narrating to us what happened not that there was life(moving and talking) in the poem,well it kinda drag my attention here so i was sad when it turned out to be a narrative poem other than dramatic.(You don't want to dissappiont all your readers,take note.)

'Third' of all The rhyme scheme didnt help the poem much/at all.It was kind of forced at some pionts and killed the beauty your poem would have produced.E.G the frist line,say"...who had a dream" and the third line went"...wanted to make it gleam".Mind you there was shine in that same line,enough to tell us what uyou wanted to say and even if you wanted to emphasize on this world to be,there are some other words that would have fitted perfectly well,seems the gleam was just added to just fit into a pre-defined rhyme scheme.

'fourth" of all The narration was less then expected.You tried using omnisence narration and made it blant.You knew all yes,so why limit your knowledge(in the poem)when you could have given quite a detail.You could have added story to this work,story of his conquest of the gods,you only told us"for from them he had no competition,how did he drive their respect,we can't tell,this is narrative do explore all the beauty of it.AM NOT SAYING IT IS BAD.

Fifth of all some words were quite archaic,didn't reallu gave this work am effect,E.G "needed power for him alone" it would have been better:"needed power for himself alone" or when you said "he soon was was,by everyone,known" better if it:"he was son known by everyone"simple,yet it gives the message.Thats poetry not using archaic language of rhymes.

'Sixth' of all This is narration,its almost as if you are writing an epic:telling of this amitious man and his fulfullment,not a short scale of his whole instresting life,better job on that please.

'Seventh' of all Enjoy yourself,make it come to life,you said it was dramatic no dialogue.You started narrating no flow,seems you're writing from your head not the heart.William wordsworth defined poetry:"A spontanous overflow of powerful emotions",let your emoeion rule.I CHOOSE TO STOP AT 7 BECAUSE IT IS THE NUMBER OF PERFECTION,FELLOW THIS SEVEN AND GET PERFECTION,please dont call me arrogant,just making a review.Nevertheless i love this work.Kuddos!!

For this poem, I think consistency would benefit it. Immortality, according to your poem, is rather unpleasant. There is a mathematical coldness to it; I would use the theme of consistency because math is very stable and uniform.

The first stanza matches this reliability. The others, however, do not. The first few lines are consistent and short. But as the poem grows, you start to use more words or words with more syllables to force the rhyming. This deforms the poem in my opinion.

Line 6 - "He needed power for him alone." This is awkward. The prepositional phrase derails the line's understandability.

Line 8 - "And soon he was, by everyone, known." The inclusion of the non-restrictive clause, like a jack-hammer, feels forced. Even with it, this line is too shallow to end the stanza. Look how the end of your first stanza gives clear meaning.

Stanza 3 - Too many words with too many syllables are in this stanza.

Stanza 4 - Same issues as stanza 3.

I like stanza 1, as you have some promise in the poem's direction. Follow the formula you started with and apply it to the others. The imagery in this stanza is more vivid than the narrative tone that the poem develops after the first stanza. Cheers.

Hiya! I'm Genesis and I'll do a quick over review for you if you don't mind!

So first the rhyme scheme, loved it and I believe it worked really well for this poem. Next in the content, I believe this has a really interesting story to it once you really think about it. You could go into depth about the Man who became a God, it's my personal opinion on it. But overall this is very good, and I do like it.

I'm sorry if this review was bad, but please forgive me, I'm still learning!

Hello its DepthOfTheDark and I will be reviewing your piece tonight! I'm not really a poem person but this one stuck out to me... for many reasons! One reason is that this poem did not have the common rhyme... it went with its own flow! But your lines were clever and the words that did rhyme were really nice! Everything was spelt nicely from what I could see and it was pretty well written! It's very nice how you show what the people want then explain what flaws it has! I didn't quite understand the ending but I kind of did at the same time but overall I absolutely loved this poem!

Hello! well, I'll just start off saying this poem is really good. I haven't read the ones that inspired it but feel as if I should now as the last stanza confused me a little. But I'll get to that.

I'm not good at seeing grammatical errors so I'll just say so far is looks good. So far as spelling and grammatical things such as commas' and periods' seem just fine. I like how the poem doesn't have a very set rhyme like 'glue, blue, slew, flew.' and more like the poem has it's own flow. It just captivates me, no pure reason it just simply does.

I like the theme of it because it's a strong theme, pushing itself without any need for more emphasis. I love the way it is about what so many people want, and what flaws would come with it without the poem completely centering around it. I enjoy the way it stands it own, how most of the poem are just added details. Needed,but at the same time not completely required if that makes sense. Still, the poem is beautiful. I love how the man has gone to lengths to acquire something that will cause him to loose so much else. Still, he hasn't realized because he got everything he wanted.

The last line is seemingly...Im not sure.Maybe it is because I haven't read the other poems I do not understand but the 'He thought he wouldn't be alone in his very last day
But there was nothing to, for he was no longer a man.'
Does this mean that there is a last day for this immortal? Was it the last day he has someone with him and when that person was gone he was as well? Or there is none, he day meant to be his last was gone, for he wasn't a man? Much to speculate of! Still, I love the poem itself.

Keep writing and if you ever need/want a review(if I helped) then shoot me a PM

I really enjoyed reading this poem! I loved the rhyme scheme and the way you built up to the conclusion. It was like a little story with the lesson of consequences.

"For even from them, he had no competition./
He became immortal, changing his own definition,/"

Though your whole poem shined, these lines were my favorite. They're so clever. I liked the fact the man did something for himself and changed the fact that he's merely a normal man and became something more.

"He wished no longer to be a human./
He needed power for him alone./
So he did what he could to become superhuman./
And soon he was, by everyone, known./"

I thought it was really clever how you molded that last sentence so it ryhmemed!

Great poem! Keep up the marvelous work!

-Kev