Young Writers Society

[Challenged by Nikayla to review myself, this is the result.]

Hey Aley,

So overall I like the blatant attitude of the lyrics, you know where you stand with this guy. He's not there forever, and he's just looking for a summer fling, but I feel like you could improve with the clarity of your message.

You don't really have a concise idea about where this poem is going in the beginning and that makes the rest of it sort of mix-matched. There's no story to this song, and songs need to have a story. There is also the problem of rhyming. While lyrics don't always have to rhyme, I think this one would do better with a rhyme because you're not really getting your point across as it is, and it could be a good challenge to concisely direct your message towards your final goal. You rhyme sometimes in the lyrics, but not all the time, so the rhythm is hard to pick up and right now that's damaging the lyrics.

Overall, I think it needs a rewrite with a better idea of a story. Try plotting out what you want to talk about, introduce the lady in the first verse, and then go through with potentially the same chorus if you want, but change the verses to match better. You should have a clear direct image of one person in your brain when you're trying to write this love story, or Summer love story about this person.

Aley...;

Hey,

Your (not so amazing) secret Santa here (not so secret anymore XD)

So I read this piece and wow, this was so so so so amazing. I loved the concept and trust me when I say that you are an awesome songwriter. A loved the song you wrote.

The punctuation was great, no mistakes that I could find and the grammar too.

The rhyming scheme was a little different? I mean it wasn't uniform. You couldn't find it the same throughout but I don't really think that effects the song much, it still was amazing. Amazing with an extra wow' in it

Keep writing and all the best for your next work

Umaima

Hello, Aley! here to review your song!

Now, you say these are the first lyrics you've written? If this is the case this is majorly good, like seriously. When I first started writing lyrics... well I cringe at them now. But this is really good, I think a strong point in the simplicity of it. 'My Summer Lady' has a really nice ring to it, and the kind of thing I can imagine being in a song.

There aren't really many critiques I can think of really. I guess one thing is the structure is pretty basic, so maybe you could change it up a bit? I mean it is a song after all, so you don't wanna be changing it too much. But it's in a sort of: ABABCB structure, and maybe you could do ABAC? I don't know, go crazy! Maybe one this you could do is make the verse after the chorus longer, or rather add another verse because otherwise it just goes straight to the chorus. With a song, you want the chorus to be the climax, the thing your fans are waiting for. However, generally, song writers are mean, so don't give away the chorus too much.

Secondly, I mentioned I liked the simplicity. I'm going to have to agree with a previous reviewer here than because of this, don't try and use some sophisticated, exciting language! Usually I'm telling people the opposite but seriously, the best part is how simple it is so don't ruin that.

Overall, well done! I thought these were some really good lyrics, especially for a first try. If you do have music that goes with this, I'd love to hear it! I hope this review helped and PM me with questions or if you'd like any other reviews!

Keep Writing!
-Arc x

Okay, hey Aley (Poetry whiz), Black here for an inconsequential and tiny review!

Okay, first off! Impressive piece here! You're whole idea/ theme was well written, with great wording, spectacular grammar and spelling, an awesome pace, and some cool style work! I truly appreciated it! Great - double great - work!

However you do have a couple wee problems. These are mainly in your sentence structure (Okay, so some other poetry whiz - I'm the awesomest poet in the world! - could possibly find some other mistakes in your work - and chances are I could too, however I'm going to deal with just this for now!)


Okay, so what do I mean by A problem with your Sentence Structure ?

Let me show you! Here I'm going to give a few examples of your problem, I'm going to point out the exact thing I found wrong (I'm a very opinionated review you might note) and fix them for you, and then I'm going to finalize the review by generalizing and feeding you whatever I think you should hear.

Sweat rolls off my back
and I'm knee deep in dirt
but I'll be in the pool

No school and I'm winking at you.
I can't say it's forever, baby,
but-for sure-you're my Summer Lady

So what can I say when you smile so pretty
asking me if we'll get married eventually?

So-tell you what, if you cling real hard,
I might keep you outside the bar.
Until then, you're my Summer Lady,
when I see you standing on shore.

This is cool!
Now, taking from a person who listens to Heavy Metal and rock in general, I think this is cool! I can imagine the beat in my head (It's similar to Some Nights in my head >.>)

cuz can be cause.

Overall, it's really cool, and really good!

I really like!