z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Sword Quest of Enigmatic Souls Ch 1: A Boy At War

by Alextheriot


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

-SNAP- The cracking sound of some twenty trebuchets being fired from the beach resounded through the village, shaking every window as the released boulders made for the village and bordering wall with a ferocity that had even the strongest of warriors fleeing their post.

As the boulders fell, synonymous to the rain that had been pouring all morning, houses collapsed, bodies were flung from buildings along with shattered brick and mortar, and the range of fire grew ever closer to the school center the village’s families took shelter in.

Everyone had been told to flee to the lower chambers of the school center, marked as the safe zone for times of bombardment. One boy, alone in the dim school halls, gazed out the window closest to the battlefield with eyes full of melancholic interest in the proceeding battle.

The scrawny boy, not a day older than eleven, stared on as several boulders smashed into the finely constructed stone wall bordering Takanova Island, which kept the village at least somewhat safe from the coastline where the battles often took place. The boulders hit several weak spots in the wall, and a section of it collapsed into the village.

As a result, a group of infantry soldiers poured into the village, where they were met by unorganized soldiers, guards, and armed villagers. A messy skirmish ensued, in which the invading infantrymen eventually won out. One man attempted to flee the scene the moment their defeat was confirmed. However, it was quickly made clear he would not be allowed to run far. A group of six caught up to him, and cornered the bloodied and heavily bandaged man in front of the school center.

The lone soldier turned to face the group, shaking slightly in the cold rain as he readied two short swords.

Through the window the young boy watched as the six men pounced, thrusting swords at the cornered man from all angles. The man mustered all of his energy into defending and countering, spinning while swinging the short swords with desperate precision. He managed to push the group back a bit, cutting several of the attackers. However, he paid a price each time he landed a blow, as the attackers took advantage of brief openings to execute a short stab.

Before long, the fight became one sided, as the man’s wounds slowly piled up. Backed up against the wall of the school center, he lowered his swords, taking deep breaths.

He’d managed to injure all the attackers, though he couldn’t get a killing blow off as outnumbered as he was.

The attackers slowly closed in, winding up for the finishing blow. When they struck, the man kicked off the wall in a low, forward dive, managing to weave between most of the blows.

As blood spurted from his back, he leapt up, quickly swinging his short swords across the neck and torso of two of the attackers.

The two dropped before him. However, his wide swings left him open, at an angle in midair he couldn’t defend against. Two of the remaining attackers struck, going to one knee after executing a long side swing.

The swords sliced through the man’s ribcage on either side, flooring him. His swords fell from his hands as he lay crippled and bloodstained, left only with the strength to look up at his four attackers with defeated eyes as they raised their swords high.

Within the school center’s empty first floor, the sound of rapid footsteps echoed.

The nearest door burst open.

Outside, the rain muffled the sound of the double doors swinging open.

Two attackers who stood in what was now the rear of the scuffle did not expect to be knocked aside by the heavy wooden doors.

As the two front-most men whose swords had almost begun their downward arc into the man’s skull, turned in surprise, the boy streaked by them and dropped to his knees, holding his arms out to shield the collapsed man.

“LET HIM GO! YOU’VE ALREADY WON, HAVEN’T YOU?!”

“Huhh?”

“Hahaha, what the hell is this kid doing?”

“This is war kid. Fight to kill. Take no prisoners!”

Right then, a new voice sounded through the crushing rain.

“You bunch of brainless shits, how many times were you briefed on this?”

The rigid voice came from a horsed man approaching from several meters away.

“G-general…Persia?”

“Taking prisoners like this man is EXACTLY what you’re supposed to do!”

“O-oh..yeah..I forgot about tha-”

“Who gives a shit?! Why do we have to take orders from you Red Wolves? If we hold back because of your agenda, we won’t survive out here!”

“What we’re doing is going to end the war so you don’t have to die out here, morons.”

The horsed man was now close enough that he did not have to yell, which didn’t seem to suit him anyway. His red-gold uniform, completed with a red general’s cap, was a daunting sight, the rain bouncing off his armor in a way that accentuated his broad build.

“Nobody asked you to stop the war, shithead, this is how some of us make it through!”

The men continued to argue like this.

The boy now froze in fear, understanding the possibility of being taken hostage or being killed here. He hadn’t thought about bursting onto the scene at all. It was simply a knee-jerk reaction to seeing the man’s struggle end, his face wearing a sense of hopeless defeat. He didn’t understand it, but he knew he couldn’t stand by and do nothing.

However, it was still going to end in despair.

At least, that’s what he’d thought.

Beneath him, the boy heard knuckles cracking.

Slowly glimpsing downward, his eyes widened.

The wounded young man was grasping his swords so hard it seemed he might break them.

When he looked in his narrowed eyes, defeat was the last thing he saw in them.

Instead, he saw a mad vigor to fight, to live.

After all, he had never given up.

The sight left him in frozen awe, until the man turned his eyes up toward the boy.

The moment the two made eye contact, he knew what he had to do.

Being eleven years old, there wasn’t much the boy’s small frame could offer in this situation.

Therefore, he did the only thing he could do.

Gripping the man’s arms tightly, the boy let out a shrill roar as he put all his strength into pulling them toward him.

The man simultaneously kicked off his feet, and used the boy’s slight push to leap forward.

Passing the two nearest men in a glide, the wounded man gave a rounded swing on both sides.

As he dropped to a knee behind them, blood spurted in a straight line down the two men’s neck and back.

The two fell without another word, landing on either side of the frantic boy.

However, the lone man was remained propped on one knee, shaking furiously as he barely maintained his position.

The boy eyed the threats on either side of them, two last infantrymen on one, a horsed general on another.

The horse slowly clopped over to the boy, who wore fear on his face like a hunted animal as he took several slow steps backward.

“And this is exactly why you were briefed on such situations. It’s their own fault they let their guard down.”

The large, intimidating man scoffed at the two fallen soldiers, before looking at the frozen boy.

His countenance bore something heavy, like the ever-present gray clouds in the sky.

“Now, what to do with this spunky kid here. I really don’t want to kill a kid, so I guess I’ll say he shows qualities of an heir as well, huh..”

He seemed to be talking to himself, disregarding the other four people present, especially his own men.

The boy, now realizing what was going to happen, cowered before the horsed man.

“Don’t worry, kid. Thanks to you and this guy, we bought enough time.”

The muttered words came from the man now just behind the boy, still sitting up on one knee.

His gaze remained pointed in the opposite direction, but the boy could feel the fire in his eyes from his mumbled words alone.

“So don’t you dare give up on yourself.”

The boy suddenly grit his teeth and stood tall, back to back with the man.

The horsed man saw this and gave a short laugh, a look of slight pity on his face.

“That’s the spirit, boy. Those are the eyes I wanna se-”

The impending sound of hooves beating the grass resounded nearby, turning the heads of everyone present. The rain had gotten even heavier, creating a dense layer of mist, so that nobody could see nor hear which direction the sound was coming from.

And then it happened.

The boy saw something like a specter.

A dark figure, with a large frame and long flowing hair, moved like a blur through the scene, before disappearing into the mist.

Following it, a horse dashed upon them, traveling along the wall of the school center.

As it streaked by the group, its rider brandished a long broad sword, and seared into the two infantrymen with minimal effort.

As the bodies of the infantrymen slumped onto the wall like slabs of meat falling from a fire, the horse then stopped on a dime, kicking up earth before charging in the direction of the horsed general.

The general, a small grin on his face, gripped his long sword with certainty, awaiting the clash.

As the horses met each other, and iron struck iron with enough force to send sparks flying, the boy realized what this person was.

Clad in thick green robes with exquisite armor plating, a finely welded silver helmet, and a sleek green cape flowing behind him, the man’s large build matched that of his abnormally sized horse.

The boy had heard all about them before, but as he was not old enough to be allowed in town, he’d never seen one.

Teutonic Knight!

The Knight clashed with the enemy general, exchanging one fierce blow after another.

He’d never seen anything like this. It was a display of power he never knew was even possible. As the Knight’s long, flowing blonde hair shook with each blow, he wondered how the horses could withstand the force of the strikes the two traded with ease.

Finally, his attention was pulled away from the spectacle by the sound of a body splashing into the mud.

Jumping to, he found the battered Teuton soldier having finally collapsed, losing all signs of consciousness.

Frantic to administer some form of first aid, the boy ripped the top of his own robes off and wrapped them around the man’s torso. He then dug his hands into the wrapping, putting pressure on each of the man’s most lethal wounds.

With panicked eyes and shaking hands, he wondered if he was doing this correctly. He had no idea or preparation on how to behave in this situation, aside from a very brief first aid session in class. As the two horsed men continued trading blows, neither giving the other an inch, the boy looked around him.

The situation finally began to feel real to him.

The battered, flaming buildings.

The seven bodies on the ground.

The blood painted thickly into the grass, and the rain beating down upon it to form a light red mist around him.

The stench of death in the air.

The boy vomited violently, turning to avoid the soldier he was tending to.

Tears involuntarily streaked down his face

Just as he hoped for some form of reprieve from the situation, the Knight finally gained the upper hand in the duel.

Their blades locked fiercely, the Knight managed to break loose, pushing the general’s sword across his body.

Never losing his grip, the Knight lunged across the general’s left side, his horse reacting swiftly to the flow of the battle.

From his left side, he gave a short sideways sword sweep, his grip wide on the sword’s long hilt.

The general had seen this coming and tried to move his horse in the opposite direction to avoid the strike, but he was just late.

Or rather, he was just on time to avoid his mouth being opened up all the way to his neck.

The blade sliced into his cheek, cutting deeply through his ear before completing its arc.

Grasping at his face, the general groaned furiously in pain. Spitting blood onto his own horse violently, he pulled the reins and turned to flee back toward the wall, where the main battle was taking place.

Understanding its victory, the Knight’s horse reared up while the Knight gave a chilling war cry, thrusting his broad sword in the air.

It was a glorious sight, befitting of the Teutonic Knights the boy had always heard about.

And, just as the boy became lost in the moment, a voice brought him back to reality.

“Cedric, what are you doing out here?”

Ahh..

“You were told to stay put in the shelter, Cedric.”

It was him.

Father…

“How many times have I told you that you mustn’t be a burden to others?”

It was the emotionless voice of his father, who was not his real father.

A man who, despite his large build, great work ethic and technical ability, was for some reason excused from fighting in the war.

His father, Gadric Cintog, stood thoroughly drenched, some distance away from the door.

But…till now…where…

He was getting lightheaded, fast.

“Come back inside, Cedric.”

His father’s cold voice, along with the horrible stench around him, finally overcame him.

Just as he felt his body falling slowly over, the knight appeared before him, taking hold of the wounded man.

“Rest easy, young man. You’ve done more than enough.”

As his consciousness began to fade out, the boy’s heavy heart felt just a bit lighter.

…this is …a… knight?


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Sun May 21, 2017 6:54 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

I think the battle was reasonably well done, although I agree with the other reviewers that the single-line paragraphs got a bit confusing. I like that this was largely from the boy's perspective. It gave us someone to attach ourselves to - someone not entirely lost in a battle - that we could sympathize with and care about, rather than expecting us to care about a battle that we know virtually nothing about.

I think it's a stretch to expect us to believe this man who's been stabbed repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly can suddenly ante up and fight like crazy. To be fair, I don't know anything about the Teutonic Knights, so maybe they've got some healing/superhuman strength/accelerated healing I don't know about...but still. Like this guy was basically dead, but all of a sudden he's fighting no problem.

However, he paid a price each time he landed a blow, as the attackers took advantage of brief openings to execute a short stab.

Before long, the fight became one sided, as the man’s wounds slowly piled up. Backed up against the wall of the school center, he lowered his swords, taking deep breaths.

He’d managed to injure all the attackers, though he couldn’t get a killing blow off as outnumbered as he was.

The attackers slowly closed in, winding up for the finishing blow. When they struck, the man kicked off the wall in a low, forward dive, managing to weave between most of the blows.

As blood spurted from his back, he leapt up, quickly swinging his short swords across the neck and torso of two of the attackers.

The two dropped before him. However, his wide swings left him open, at an angle in midair he couldn’t defend against. Two of the remaining attackers struck, going to one knee after executing a long side swing.

The swords sliced through the man’s ribcage on either side, flooring him. His swords fell from his hands as he lay crippled and bloodstained, left only with the strength to look up at his four attackers with defeated eyes as they raised their swords high.


Like there at that last bit you even say "left only with the strength to look up." His rib cage has been sliced to bits, for goodness sake.

Also, the bit about the Teutonic Knights came out of nowhere. I think that's an easy fix, though. You have this young boy watching a battle that seems hopeless, and he clearly knows about the Knights - he's heard of them, he could probably tell people about their amazing feats, right? So early on, before he joins the man, he could be praying or thinking or hoping the Knights will swoop in and save everyone, like in the stories.




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Wed May 17, 2017 3:35 am
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jimss23 wrote a review...



Jim here.

Hello Hello. I am Jim, the unexceptional writer, here to do another lackluster review aimed at trying, ostensibly, to make this piece of literature as best as possible. (Whether I succeed is is another matter entirely.)

SO....

Little disclaimer. Let me know if you have heard this one before. I am here for your work, not for you. I won't sugar coat things. As much as I enjoy buttering people up whispering sweet nothings, I doubt you'd find that very helpful. So I will be a little meanie and try to help ya out a little.

One last thing. I suck at grammar. A lot. I won't be making grammar corrections. He who lives in a glass house and all that. (I might get a little excited and point out a little phrasing thing every now and then. Don't hold it against me.)

Let's get to reviewing shall we? (Hehehehe)

1) "from the beach resounded through the village..."

I think "reverberated" works better here than "resounded". That's just me.

2) "As the boulders fell, synonymous to the rain that had been pouring all morning"

I think "Synonymous" is a little out of place. Is it an improper use of the word? No. But it just feels a little out of place. Just a gut feeling. Speaking of the gut, have you ever tried the burritos at Taco Bell? God, those are good. 10 out of 10.

3) "The scrawny boy, not a day older than eleven..."

This kid wins the award for possibly the worst birthday present ever.

In all seriousness, unless you are trying to say that today was this kids birthday (which gives us that tragic backstory right from the get go.) I would say something like "barely older than eleven..."

4) "Within the school center’s empty first floor, the sound of rapid footsteps echoed.

The nearest door burst open."

So, this is subtle, but it is a change of perspective. You are going from the boys perspective to another point of view. I know that probably sounds confusing but, that change is perspective had me a little messed up.

5) “You bunch of brainless shits, how many times were you briefed on this?”

Dad? Is that you?

6) Ok, don't mean to be a bummer here, but that guy who fought all the soldiers is dead. Like super dead, judging from the injuries you said he sustained. This guy would have bled out in a matter of minutes. I would give him something like blunt force trauma rather than cuts or stabs if you want him to be in fighting shape.

7) Ok, like MJ said, the broken paragraph thing was really confusing. In all honesty, you lost me when I made it to that point. I had no idea who was doing what, who was who, and where people were coming from. It was messy. Slow it down, add more description and smush those sentences together.

8 ) I think you need to try to make your story a little more realistic. Now, I am guessing that you've never been stabbed (God I hope not), but one blow and you're done. Also, I don't mean to be a bummer here, but generals don't typically put themselves in harm's way unless they are especially crazy or dangerous. (@Robert Baratheon) I would say make the general a commander of some kind. Someone who would be on the front.

Ok, I'm going to end this charade of a review here. I'm sure at this point you would like nothing more than to Pimp slap my a** into next week, so I won't poke you with a stick any more than I already have.

So, some good stuff to end this with, yea?

You have a good story here. Your going places. Wonderful places. Keep forging the path and fighting the good fight. (see what I did there? xD)

My dude, this is a good story. Not counting the times I got lost, I had fun reading it. That's important. Two enthusiastic thumbs up.

In conclusion, if you want any more help with your work, PM me or reply here. (AKA hit me up bro.)

However, if this review left you thinking "God, go away you annoying punk. Get a life! Go bother someone else!" I understand. I will be a little hurt (a twinge of pain in my cold, dead heart) but I completely understand. As you may imagine, not everyone is so appreciative of my horrible humor and erratic nature. (Go figure).

If you need anything, anything at all, please let me know. My PM's are always open and I encourage you to respond to this review if you have any questions or want to explain anything, as I am not the smartest person on this green and blue ball (By a lot) so I may have missed things.

Have a fantastic week. (Have a fantastic life in general)

Cheers,

Jim.



Random avatar
Alextheriot says...


Hey Jim, pleased to meet'cha! No worries, I'm here for the mean stuff, so don't ever hold back ;)

1) I think you might be right, there.

2) Synonymous does certainly stand out there, it was just the best word I could think of for the sake of colorful description.

3) Yeahh that's a good point haha, gonna change to 'no older than 11'

4) Hmm, it shouldn't be a change of perspective though. The whole chapter(aside from the moments where the boy clearly conveys his thoughts) is supposed to a limited-narrative, third person omniscient. So the footsteps, as well as the doors bursting open, is truly only observed by the narrator here(or it should be at least)

5) XD

6) Well, they were 'short stabs' that he was able to avoid being fatal, but it seems there's a problem in how I've conveyed that. Also, I will say that it's fiction, and there might also be a slightly fantastical explanation for his resilience). But really though, it wouldn't be a hot-blooded motivational moment without it ;P

7) Yeah the formatting thing is something I get a lot of feedback on. It was a stylistic choice meant to thrust the tension forward, but I suppose I need to take a deeper look at the flow if you found it unreadable.

8) Well, I'm okay with there being some unrealistic aspects, as it is fiction. Where would be the fun if the characters were limited to taking one blow? And the bit with the general is a good point that I've only heard once before. The answer is, he is especially crazy haha. It was intended to show that, as well as show that the Wolverines themselves are not an average army that goes about things in any orthodox ways. Though if I have to explain that, I've gone wrong in the writing somewhere, haven't I?


I appreciate the kind words there! I'm glad you had fun with it, that's the most important thing for me after all ;D I'd be thrilled to have your input in the future, no doubt! Thanks again and take care!



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Tue May 16, 2017 11:47 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey Alex,
MJ here to provide some tips and some tricks for improving your writing. Sorry if this review comes across as harsh, it's all in the interest of making you a better writer. I don't think you're a bad person/writer, I'm not disappointed or frustrated, and I'm not trying to be condescending. With that said, let's jump into it:

I feel that the first few paragraphs were a little rushed. You mention the key elements of the plot, but a little more detail and description can go a long way in building up the suspense and increasing the drama and heart-racing adventure style. Even just a few sentences describing how wild and terrifying it was would really help with that.

As a result, a group of infantry soldiers poured into the village, where they were met by unorganized soldiers, guards, and armed villagers. A messy skirmish ensued, in which the invading infantrymen eventually won out. One man attempted to flee the scene the moment their defeat was confirmed. However, it was quickly made clear he would not be allowed to run far. A group of six caught up to him, and cornered the bloodied and heavily bandaged man in front of the school center.
This section is all narrative, which means it's all the author telling us something. To make your writing more convincing, try and apply the show-don't-tell principle here. Normally that's said for describing people, but it would be relevant here too because it can become monologic if there the narrator is describing it all.

From the middle to the end, you had a lot of really short paragraphs that were almost always just one sentence. While it is good to avoid long paragraphs, sometimes a lot of little paragraphs can be choppy and a turn-off as well. Many of those paragraphs could be combined together and make the reading more fluent, even if it was just three or four sentences slightly modified and then stuck together.

“G-general…Persia?”

“Taking prisoners like this man is EXACTLY what you’re supposed to do!”

“O-oh..yeah..I forgot about tha-”

“Who gives a shit?! Why do we have to take orders from you Red Wolves? If we hold back because of your agenda, we won’t survive out here!”

“What we’re doing is going to end the war so you don’t have to die out here, morons.”
Throughout this dialogue, it became a little confusing who was saying what when, especially towards the ending. At first it was relatively clear, but towards the end it seemed as if both times it was General Persia speaking.

It was simply a knee-jerk reaction to seeing the man’s struggle end, his face wearing a sense of hopeless defeat.
Saying knee'jerk reaction seems to be a little bit of a stretch here. There is an instinct to try and protect a fellow man's honor, but I don't think that it fully accounts for this boy's bravery. Instead of choosing a word that makes it sound as automatic as knee-jerk, maybe 'natural' or something along those lines would work better.

It was the emotionless voice of his father, who was not his real father.
What is this sentence set up to mean? Sorry, I know that sounds a little rude, but I'm not understanding what this sentence is trying to convey. If you could reword it that would be great.

As a side/end note, your mention of the Teutonic knights felt more than a little out-of-place and unrelated, to the point where I don't think it should have its own section. All that said, there weren't very many other things I could note. You have a great beginning here, and it's especially good for a first story. Obviously, there are some places where improvements could be made, but it's a very strong first draft and I can see you going great places in the future!

Best wishes,
MJ



Random avatar
Alextheriot says...


Hi MJ, don't worry I'm glad you took the time to read and review, I promise no feelings will be hurt ;)

I will look into the initial pace. I'd wanted the prologue(I accidentally named it Ch1) to come across a little jarring and overtly chaotic. It's much different than my usual writing tendency(including this project), so I'm glad to get feedback on it.

That also rings true regarding the battle narrative and the one-line paragraphs. I especially don't do much of that going forward, but it just felt like the most appropriate style to build tension here, I guess?

The dialogue is something that's always scared me. That's a really good catch you make with those two specific lines, I'll certainly be adjusting that.

The line about his father is meant to signify that he is his adoptive father, rather than his blood father.

I appreciate the kind words, and thanks again for the read and feedback!



Atticus says...


Regarding the father line, I don't think 'real' father is the best word there. That is just a pet peeve of mine (when people refer to adoptive parents as not their 'real' parents), but the way it's phrased now it makes very little sense.




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