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Railway Drifter

by Alexcarmine58


Over those hills and far away,

I look on pass the bay.

As further and further I stray,

Hoping to return one day.

-

The wind howls,

And the train lets out a scowl.

As I ride the rails,

Telling my tales.

-

I sleep in my jungle,

Through my life I stumble,

Each day a struggle,

As my will crumbles.

-

So here I ponder,

And there I wonder,

Of how long I must wander.


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Points: 35
Reviews: 1

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Thu Apr 25, 2019 3:10 am
Alexcarmine58 says...



Thanks for reviewing and critiquing my poem. I appreciate it alot.




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114 Reviews


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Wed Apr 24, 2019 2:11 pm
Bellarke wrote a review...



Heyo! I am Bell, or Bells. I must say this is a very unique idea, and what you put, about it being about the Great Depression caught my attention, and I loved this poem as a whole.

First off, I wanna state one of the problem that I saw, which was all of the commas, at the end of a sentence.

If there is the end of a sentence, then you put a period, not a comma. I dunno if i worded that right....but ehhh.

Secondly, your wording....

For example:

"So here I ponder,

And there I wonder,

Of how long I must wander."

This confused me a bit. the "And There" in the second just didnt seem to fit


Overall:

I loved this, you did a magnificent job, and i hope to read more.

Love this, keep writing.
~Bells




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Wed Apr 24, 2019 11:51 am
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JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello, Alex!

I enjoyed your theme here. It's a unique spin on a classic subject, and you had some excellent word choice to back it up. I love its simplicity, too, keeping complexity out of a complex emotion. You let the words, the metaphor, carry the entire piece, and it really works.

You had some really strong moments here. I really liked your middle stanzas actually. In the second stanza, I think it would flow smoother if the second line was a little shorter like the rest, maybe a "the train scowls" and nix the extra wording. I like this image though of the train scowling as the speaker is sharing their life struggles.

The third stanza was also neat. It's a stark contrast to the industrial train we were connecting with by comparing their life to a jungle. I just kinda wish that image didn't stop there. In fact, the imagery suddenly disappeared in this stanza. For instance, if you went into tripping over the roots or getting nicked by every passing branch, you'd get that feel of the jungle metaphor still. Similar to how you had the train scowling in retaliation to the speaker's tales earlier.

The opening stanza is intriguing, which is a good thing. We already get a feel of the speaker being outcast (whether by themselves or by society, we don't know). I believe you're looking for the word "past" here since "pass" is a verb, and you're not using the verb in this case.

The last stanza, my brain read it as a couplet and it felt better. Probably because we were going for four-line stanzas, and then suddenly ending on a 3-line stanza hurt my symmetrical soul. I do think though this stanza is an excellent example of your clever rhyming skills here. Your rhymes in this poem have been impressive and doesn't deter from the piece itself. It flows incredibly well. The last stanza did provide a good ending for the poem, leaving them in a state of thoughtfulness and dismay.

All in all, I think you have a nice little piece. There's a comma overflow here as some can be eliminated simply because there's a line break making that pause for you already. The theme here is wonderful though. I'd like to see the piece maintain the train imagery all the way through, I think that'd be a clever way to maintain your metaphor while telling the same story. This is actually not too far from a sonnet, if you're looking for a particular challenge one day!

I like this piece. Keep writing! :D

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Wed Apr 24, 2019 11:09 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with s short review for you on your work on this lovely evening. I'm doing to try and help get this out the green room too.

Okay let's start.

I only saw one little thing in the poem that can be fixed, but if you don't agree then you don't need to fix it.

I look on pass the bay.

Now the word in bold is what I would like to talk about. Now it's not spelt wrong but I think everything would sound better if you change it to passed. If you do that then your sentence will sound like this.
I look on passed the bay.

I think that sounds a bit better, but if you don't agree then don't worry.

Well that's all I could see that needs to be fixed. So I' now going to talk about the good things I saw.

The first thing is the name you chose for the poem, I think it fit's it rather well, and it made me come read your poem, and in my opinion that is what your trying to get out a title. So I think you go that bit right.
I think the length of your poem was really good to, it wasn't to much but it wasn't to little. That's also brings another thing to mind, I really, really liked that you made your words rime, it just made the poem so much better, and it made it more fun to read so great job.

This was a really well written poem, and I loved reading it. I also loved reviewing it, that was also fun. I hope you never stop writing and will post more works on YWS soon. I hope you have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




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Wed Apr 24, 2019 10:58 am
Fakihashah says...



A concise yet deep poem. Really like it.





"Be happy, my friend; and if you obey me in this one request, remain satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquility."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein