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125,025 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
Alright, part two!
This is a surprising turn for me, as you alluded to in your reply to my review of the previous poem! Going back to that I see many hints of what was to come, but I somehow didn't grasp the dynamic.
It's immediately a very different poem even on the surface level, of course. Rhyming, lowercase, repeating lines... but then we get to the meaning. What a tortured relationship! I really feel for the narrator of this side.
The contrast between the anatomical terms of the other side and this side definitely turned out well and really emphasizes the differences between them. I'm glad I could inspire you!
"you in my prayers & a retiring settlement" has a lot more syllables (14) than the other second lines of each stanza (8-10). It might be worth considering if there's a way to rephrase it to cut off a few syllables for the sake of the flow.
I appreciate the rhyme scheme's consistency. "Canoe" feels slightly forced, but I can't bring myself to care much when the image it brings to mind is so romantic. "Enthrallment" and "settlement" end with identical syllables which doesn't make them a great choice for rhyming, but it isn't as bad as it could be because the syllables before are near-rhymes.
Overall, I am compelled to suggest some couples therapy. In seriousness though, I liked this conclusion. I think the characters are defined well and the relationship certainly is. The vocabulary of the other side definitely hits different with the contrast.
Thank you for the review, kind rival.
I'm happy to know this poem fulfilled the shortcomings of the previous, establishing rhyme without compromising meaningful. It means the world to me, thank you very much for doing this. About the things you point, they've been in my noice for some time now and I'll probably get around to finding some doable alternatives soon. I do appreciate you pointing them out though!
Alright Alex. Here's my contribution to the "comments only" section of the Green event =D
(And yes that's the reason for the other comment too but I won't be able to count that one!)
Hmmm first observation: no more italics. Maybe this is related to the tranquility? That you no longer have to think so intensly?
I like the repetition of anatomy can be tranquil too. Come to think of it, I guess the specific words were to keep the anatomy theme?
(Yes, yes me and poems. I much rather read them and then read an essay about what it meant rather than thinking about the meaning myself. I like the lull of pretty words and rhythms!)
Thank for this comment, I still can't believe I missed it! The lack of italics was majorly due to the loss of medical vocabulary. But on a poetic standpoint, it's much more complicated. I used italics similiar to double quotes in the other poem- a shift in tone or a something suggested, while not being direct. You can take it for unsaid expectations or even flair in speech, owing to the personality of the other narrator. Their partner, on the other hand, is more vocal and defensive (given the accusations of not spicing things up) and doesn't need to resort to indirect hints and tantrums to claim they've been giving enough to the relationship, even if they failed to offer the excitement the other narrator seeks.
But your take was beautiful too and definitely stands. I just gave you a glance at my own thought process.
I believe this poem would've been a reply to the other one even I didn't mention the word anatomy (interesting idea, huh) but making things clear in the hook certainly makes thing more clear and pulling. So yes, I'd very much agree, it was indeed.
I hope I've given the essay you were hoping for XD Thanks again!
hey again Alex - coming back to review the other part
So... villanelles. A traditional villanelle has five tercets (3-line stanzas) and one quatrain (4-line stanza) at the end. I re-read this and realized I was completely off, so just ignore this. Sorry!
Structure isn't just about the lines anyway; it's about the meter (the beat). Most of your lines are short and punchy, but a few "break the container" because they have too many syllables, like "you in my prayers & a retiring settlement" (11-12 syllables) and "you miss that honeymoon enthrallment" (9 syllables, but heavy emphasis). Meter is finnicky because if you want the poem to feel tranquil, the meter can dictate whether or not it actually achieves that goal. It's something to definitely consider, but it's always fun to play around with structure.
Anyway, structure aside - I do enjoy this, perhaps more than the first poem. The central metaphor of anatomy as a source of tranquility is a sophisticated choice; it effectively reclaims the body from being a mere object of desire / recontextualizes it as a place of devotion. I think it was a solid choice to move away from the textbook, medical school-esque imagery of the first poem to focus more on the emotional effects as well. This narrator is clearly more introspective and less intellectualizing than the one they are in conversation with, which adds lots of depth to the intertextual narrative you're creating.
^ The emotional arc of this is also incredibly compelling, moving from tender observations of "palmar folds" and "heartbeats" to a much sharper critique of performativity in relationships. You’ve captured that specific feeling where one partner offers a more steadfast intimacy while the other... demands a more theatrical or verbal display of love? I suppose it is about balance.
Sometimes, a love that exists in the reality of simply being together is just as sufficient as something more "loud" / visible. Great work once again.
best,
chi
Hey again, chi! Thanks for coming back to read this sequel. About it being a villianelle, I initially thought you must be right. But now that I searched examples of them another time, I got only more confused. Is there a chance you're mistaken yourself? From what I find on google, my poem follows the exact stanza pattern of a traditional villianelle. You're welcome to put it right next to a famous one such as 'Do not go gentle into that good night' and see it overlaps. If all the web sources are wrong though and you've formally learnt it in literature, I'd be more than happy to learn how it's really done.
I acknowledge the complaint about the syllables though. Very genuine feedback on your part, I really appreciate it. I've recently gotten so accustomed to free verse that I find classic styles incredibly binding. As a result, you see these cheap solutions to make it work alright when it should fit effortlessly. I'm open to suggestions if you have any and will try to come up with my own still.
Very happy to know their complex dynamic got through. I meant to write them from opposing personalities with different interests, so I'm glad to hear that got across. I feel their poem's argument or style is reflective of their love language, this was my inspiration and goal. I tried taking the feedback from both the wonderful reviews and tried to do a complete 180 and still keep it relevant.
Thank for reading and such a helpful review!
I will admit, I have not written a villanelle in maybe 4-5 years, so I must bave been mistaken... oopsie!
No worries, happens to the best. Still, I'm thankful that you cared enough to point it out when you something potentially wrong. Always better to make sure!