The poem bears sensual content that may be deemed unsuitable for the younger audience. Minors are suggested to refrain from reading further. Even with the adult readers, kindly proceed only if you're comfortable with such descriptions. Domestic violence has been implicated in this work. Reader discretion is advised.
Author's note - This poem is meant to be by a gay couple (This part is spoken from one of them). You'll be hearing the other side of the story pretty soon! Spoiler, it'll be titled- 'but anatomy can be tranquil too..'My hands encircle your
platysma,
As desire burns behind my
dilated pupils.
The animal instinct in me against your
carotid;
And your head drops back, slightly dizzy.
Your throbbing
Adam's apple under the light-
Is all we need to make things interesting.
I thrust the needle in your
manubrium sterni-
Hoping to miss & stab the Cupid's arrow instead,
We're in love already but you need a reminder.
My fingers trace around your
areola shamelessly,
To stimulate the
neurons that have long been resting;
As you don't blush anymore at the thought of me.
Sipping the wine off your
linea alba as it trickles down;
Butterflies in your stomach or whatever you say.
My
papillae had a taste and now they want more of you;
So come to my
brachium of your own free will.
Don't make me hurt that
flexor retinaculum of yours,
Sit and let me trace your
femoral triangle.
I
break some of your capillaries to distract myself,
From the
hemorrhage that is our relationship.
Your
sleeping foot is a congenital problem,
Only if my
circumduction could cure it for you.
As a heart, I can only pump so much dear,
But this won't work without you, my
Soleus..
For readers unfamiliar with the medical terminology used, here's a cheat sheet -
Platysma- A muscle found in the front of the neck.
Dilated pupils- Sign of a person being in love.
Carotid- Vessels/Nerve supplying to the brain, found near the root of neck.
Adam's apple- Bulge of the neck primarily conspicuous in males, is actually a protruding larynx.
Manubrium Sterni- A small bone found in the midline of chest, around the level of heart. It's also known for it's fragility.
Areola- Dark pigmented area around the nipple, where the activity or number of sensory receptors are enhanced.
Neurons- Cells that transmit signals or impulses.
Linea alba- A fibrous band like structure passing through the midline of abdomen.
Papillae- Cells of tongue responsible for the function of taste. In other words, tiny bumps on tongue some of which are taste buds.
Brachium- Arms
Flexor Retinaculum- A fibrous structure in the wrist covering the (carpal) bones
Femoral Triangle- A triangle with muscles and ligament for its boundary found in the region of inner thigh.
Break Capillaries- Referring to giving hickeys.
Hemorrhage- Rapid blood loss, uncontrolled bleeding.
Sleeping Foot- A tinging sensation due to compression of a nerve in leg. Due to prolonged inactivity at times.
Circumduction- Circular movement of foot to get over sleeping foot
Soleus- Also called as 'peripheral heart'. It's basically a calf muscle that by contraction, helps in returning venous blood upwards to heart against gravity. Thus, it aids the heart in maintaining a continuous circulation of blood throughout the body by mobilising venous return.
Ah well, I will start with this one =D
And immediately you hit me with a word I need to look up XD
Ohhh that is an interesting thought: "As you don't blush anymore at the thought of me."
Okay I think I get that the italics are medical terms for very common things which is a neat idea!
Omg how did I miss this, I always make sure to reply to reviews and comments! (except ik one work which was having some technical difficulty so I might have to check again)
Anyways, sorry for the difficult vocabulary. I wanted to use it as a metaphor for miscommunication as the partner has a very limited knowledge of medicine, very much like the reader. But having been together so long, they guess the meaning better and well here, the actions are being done to the partner so they obviously what is being referred to. I do realise such an elaborate symbolism put me at a disadvantage here, but I guess I had to do it nevertheless.
Thanks for the crisp comment!
Wow. This absolutely floored me. It has this brutality to it that I absolutely love, it is so raw and intense and I could feel it and I can't emphasise how brilliant that makes this. I did read the "but anatomy can be tranquil too" before I read this and I think that may have coloured my reaction differently.
Perhaps it's that once you see the tenderness and the genuine longing on the part of one of the people in the relationship then this sort of pain hits different. I do wonder how it would have felt if you layered both the poems into one, left right left right left right. If that would have made the reader see both the poems differently. Especially since in that poem each stanza ends with a rhetorical question.
That's just something to muse about though, both poems are brilliant in their own right.
Thank you for the compliments, canopy! Really appreciate them.
I get your point about making a single convo poem, I'll admit that it crossed my mind multiple times during my writing process. But there are some reasons I chose this format. First, I found this style personally more amusing. Another important thing to note - the yearning in this poem is cooked gradually meaning the reader is not told of the veiled problems from the get go. On the other hand, the reply was deliberately made more defensive and clarifying in a constant tone. Also, the other piece was meant to be a 'villianelle' which is one of the more traditional and thus rigid type of forms out there. I'm afraid it'd lose its richness if it were broken in parts. Still, I'm thankful for your input. Thanks for reading!
Huh,😮💨 Well First I'm an Inquisitive, than second Im a philosopher, the rest I'm becoming, will become prominent later in latter stages of pivotal choices. But from as long as I've lived and how I've lived, I've learnt one of many important things, firstly that life is chasing, chasing for some kind of everlasting, or even stretching moment of peace, alleviation, attention, appreciation, and even a stilling bliss in comfort or comfort in stilling bliss (LOVE) and this comes down to something–Amount. The amount earned at the end of the chase, can and may very well or will depend or be dependent on of the amount gained during the chase (like a scavenger hunt). And To Me This Poem Is Like Stumbling On a intellectual door way to a intensifying, intrinsic world of experience and adornment in intimacy. Making me feel that a movement of interwinding, intertwining bodies chasing in each other secrets to that sweet, petite, that conquers all defeat, gist gesture that just makes us want to slip and fall and sink into the pink and let us grip if only for moment too tight, to need not to let go or want to but in this chase search for a piece that defines our reason or even our meaning for being alive for living, to living, to the tiny swiftly drifting sentiments in and of sentimental moments. Brings me to my second lesson learnt -FEELING.
Thank You AlexWriters that was and is Dope or Just Genuine Amazing.
hey Alex, what a poem.
The first thing that caught my eye is that this is deeply conceptual, but you never lose track of that throughout; it's easy to start a poem with an idea of a concept, but it's far more difficult to keep that concept continuous throughout the poem without either losing the motif OR somehow it falls short. The whole anatomical conceit is sustained impressively throughout this. You avoid breaking tone, which gives the poem cohesion in a way that's quite satisfying.
I've written tons of anatomical love poetry, but this does maintain a sense of originality as well. Neat - using precise medical terminology in erotic-romantic poetry is bold and memorable, despite the fact that it's probably been done before. That definitely distinguishes your voice immediately.
HOWEVER, despite your clever wordplay, I think that whole motif risks isolating any reader who isn't familiar with anatomy to the level that you are (even with the glossary - it's hard to truly digest a term if you aren't contextually aware of its meaning well). The density of anatomical terminology can come across as distancing the reader emotionally from the intimate moment at hand. When every image is clinical, I feel that the metaphor could feel intellectual rather than visceral. That could always be intentional, and it works, but I'm not sure whether to read it as a partner who intellectualizes love OR if it's just my perspective.
^ I could say the same with the various lines involving stabbing, breaking capillaries, or hurting the flexor retinaculum, etc. They're very shocking, but their emotional motivation could be clearer. Are these acts symbolic? Defensive? Self-sabotaging? What do they mean to the narrator or their partner? How impactful do you want them to be? Things like that to consider.
This was quite beautiful though; it's intellectually ambitious in ways I don't see often in love poetry, especially one as intimate as this. I'd love to see how this narrative progresses in the next poem, maybe to clarify what I felt was emotionally lacking / unbalanced here.
best,
chi
A review from the poetry legend themself, I'm honoured! I really appreciate all your praise, it means the world to me. At the same time, I do acknowledge the shortcomings you have pointed out. I believe the narrator's stand and perspective shall be clearer from the sequel I'm working now. Despite that hopeful clarity later, I won't deny that this piece remains isolating. Unfortunately, I can't add more obvious emotions in this without diluting the initial idea or harming the narrative I've got planned. I will however, try my best to clear up at least some of the ambiguities, by referring to them in the next poem. Thanks for all the feedback chi, you've been most helpful. Because of you, I have a much better image of how to move forward from here.
Interesting. I was scoffing at the need to include a glossary at first, but I suppose the point is that you think it’s violent at first and once deciphered realize that it’s all pretty innocent, which I guess will be elaborated upon in the next poem.
All the same, I feel like there’s ways of doing that kind of emotional switcheroo that don’t rely upon using medical terminology, but perhaps I’m missing the bigger picture with just one poem posted so far.
Some of the punctuation here feels a bit off, like all these semicolons which don’t tend to show up in depictions of speech and thus don’t often show up in poetry. Of course, it’s your choice and poetry is a more freeing form of writing than prose, but it’s something to consider. I’m not sure most of the punctuation is really needed at all here, honestly. But I could be wrong!
Overall though, I liked it and I’m interested to see the next part.
Thank you for the review, Aet Lindling! I do understand where you're coming from about the terminology. But the reason I used it is because I've been wanting to use my medical knowledge in a poem for quite some time to make an unexpected blend. The misdirection was very much intentional but I think it's just more focussed towards a very specific audience who are able to appreciate the work without needing the glossary at all. To them, the innovative use of anatomical structures in a way to express love is meant to amaze.
About the punctuations, I very much accept that. I'm rather poor ar them and rely on what I feel would go right based on my untrained intuition. I've been told before that my poems lack necessary punctuations so it seems like I've been overcompensating. I think it's finally time for some official brushing up lessons for them, no more guessing. Thanks for pointing that out, you've been most helpful!
One slight disappointment though, i don't think the sequel shall overcome this work's shortcomings. It's going to be formatted on pretty much the same style and jusr present a varying perspective in the same language, and carry forward the narrative.
It's funny almost, but I have to thank. Your review actually made me switch the initial plan in it's entirely and the reply poem ended up being exactly what this one wasn't. I'd actually REALLY appreciate your thoughts on it, I was successful in explaining this perspective or the problem there in, better. It's still a Green room work and I've put a direct link to it under this one. Thank you!
Interesting! I forget why I didn%u2019t review it at the time but I%u2019ll get to it, and I%u2019m glad you got something out of my review. Thank you for letting me know!