i married you for your smile, not knowing the demons you hide inside
your overthinking ruins our happiness and I'm not sure you're guilty
give in to the moment I jest and not suppress a laugh if you dare
i'll paint your skin as it is, as soon as you truly embrace it
tanning under the Sun all day, why change the reality that is?
i draw what you'd look like if you accepted yourself more
love is the only language we need to be compatible in, baby
you may not understand art and frames, but I only preserve things worth cherishing
cardboard is too bland to make the colors of our relationship pop
tell me- what good is the reflection of a memory if not as saturated as us?
but you're too busy picking out the flaws on the surface of moon
to ever acknowledge they're what make it beautiful
i find your incessant complaints unnecessary
manifesting trouble in paradise, setting fire to my portraits of you
all the ways you invite misery makes no sense
walking out from the middle of a painting you asked to pose in
don't you think I deserve better than that?
i need something to hold onto and look back at the good times
so come- let's make a collage to show our children
no harm in stealing bits of now for our future selves
your body image haunts you; sorry, but it's true
you sit in front of the mirror, hating a lovely masterpiece
hate to see you frowning at the sight of me on a canvas
but I say nothing and drown myself in a world beyond
as I fill life into your monotonous black ink
painting a dream you're too insecure to dive in
your poems are too anxious, my sweetheart
i wish you'd just melt into my arms and rest
let me and our custom albums comfort you
i'm sure you don't mean the gloom but I wish you knew
that I can't love you enough for the both of us
Hi there! I thought I’d drop by to leave a review on this poem
First off, this is such an interesting poem because the voice feels loving, frustrated, tender, and unsettling all at once. I really like that complexity! The narrator seems to genuinely adore the person they’re talking to, but there are also moments where that affection feels a little possessive or dismissive, and that tension makes the poem much more layered than a straightforward love poem.
This is a strong opening! It immediately sets up the relationship and gives us the narrator's conflict. I like how direct it is, especially "i married you for your smile" -- that has such a simple quality to it.
One little thing I’d mention is that "demons you hide inside" is a phrase I’ve seen a lot, so it feels a bit cliche compared to some of your more specific imagery later on. Since the rest of the poem has such a strong painting and body-image theme, you could maybe make this image more unique to the poem. Something like hidden shadows, cracks beneath the varnish, something beneath the paint, whatnot. Definitely use your own language, but I think connecting the demons idea to the art imagery could make the opening stanza stronger.
Also, this line:
I really like the thought here, but the wording is a little confusing. "I'm not sure you’re guilty" makes sense, but I wonder if you mean something closer to "I'm not sure you’re to blame"? That would feel a bit more natural to me. Though if the legal/crime feeling of guilty is intentional, you can absolutely keep it.
I like the tenderness behind these lines, especially the idea of wanting someone to laugh freely. The first line is a little grammatically tangled, though. I think it might read more smoothly with punctuation, maybe:
Or something along those lines! Right now, "I jest and not suppres"” makes me stumble a bit because the sentence structure is doing a lot at once.
This part is really revealing. "i draw what you’d look like if you accepted yourself more" is one of the most important lines in the poem, I think, because it shows the narrator's love and their flaw at the same time. They want to help, but they’re also creating an imagined version of the person instead of fully sitting with the real one. That’s such a good contradiction.
Tiny nitpick: I’d probably write sun lowercase unless you’re personifying it or treating it like a god. Also "why change the reality that is?" is understandable, but it sounds slightly unnatural to me. Maybe:
or
Just options to think about!
This is such a soft but sad line for the ending. "Your poems are too anxious" is a really interesting line because now we get another art form, as not only does the speaker paint but the beloved writes. That makes the relationship feel like two different artistic languages clashing; one wants colour and portraits, and the other writes anxiety and gloom.
For the second line, I think you might be missing "my":
Unless the missing word is intentional, in which case it gives the line a more abstract feeling. That's cool too!
Overall, I think this is a really compelling poem with strong metaphor! The art imagery is definitely the strongest part for me, especially how you tie in painting. It’s emotional and messy in a very human way, and I really enjoyed how complicated the love felt.
I hope this review is useful!
Pru
The quality of the thorough review is beyond impressive for such a new addition to our YWS family. Thank you for taking out the time to read and review my poem and I warmly welcome you to our little writing corner. Your words were incredibly kind and critics really honest. I think I'm going to keep my version of the poem for the most part but you've been really helpful. This made my day, so you've really got my deepest appreciation!
hey hey! ^_^
thoughts
[1] this is such an interesting poem because the narrative feels affectionate on the surface, but there is something a little controlling underneath. the narrator keeps saying words of affection like sweetheart and baby, but the actual language often reduces the loved person into art, a body, a pose, a future memory, or something to be fixed. that tension is really compelling for us!
[2] we really like the recurring art motif! paint your skin, frames, canvas, portraits, collage, custom albums, and so many others give the poem a cohesive visual aesthetic. we can picture everything! it also makes the relationship feel curated rather than lived in, which suits the narrator so well. they want beauty, but maybe not the full person.
[3] the ending is STRONG! your poems are too anxious, my sweetheart is such a bittersweet line because it makes the beloved’s art feel like evidence against them. then I can't love you enough for the both of us lands to us as heartbreaking and manipulative, depending on how we read the narrator. we love that ambiguity! it feels tender, but also cruel at the same time.
suggestions
[1] because the narrator is so morally complicated, we think the poem could push that unreliability even more. some lines state the issue very directly, like your body image haunts you; sorry, but it's true and your poems are too anxious. these are effective, but making the narrator sound even more "loving" while being dismissive could make the discomfort feel culminating.
[2] there are a few lines that could be polished for clarity/flow. i wish you'd just melt into arms and rest probably wants my arms. flaws on the surface of moon probably wants the moon. also, give in to the moment I jest and not suppress a laugh if you dare has a really cool idea, but the syntax is a little hard to follow.
overall, this is SO very intimate!! we enjoyed reading this!!
~ adore
Thanks for the review adore, it was super helpful!!
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