There was once a cloud of gas & dust
Called Nebula, which long ago burst
The explosion made planets & stars
Giving rise to the Solar system ours
The Sun spins in the centre of space
While around it, multiple planets pace
The asteroids, as well, dance and twirl
Distant stars shine like twinkling pearls
The moon's orbit encompasses the Earth
But she desires the Sun, beyond her worth
What she doesn't know, is he feels the same
As his heated gaze of love sets her aflame
One day, the Sun confesses he's smitten
The moon is elated over a love that's written
Contrary to expectations, a silence looms
As the planets foresee the awaiting doom
The Earth narrates a prophecy foretold
"The Sun's heart is not one to ever hold
Reject its love and its light grows weak
As a result, the world grows cold & bleak"
The moon cuts in, "But I mean to consent"
Earth pleads, "Then I must ask you to relent
Overburning joy shall make him a fireball
If you accept, the world faces its downfall"
Moon faces a dilemma, perplexed
"If I can't choose either, what's next?
I love the Sun with heart & soul
Is there really no loophole?"
Earth answers, "No harm shall befall
Only if you choose to forever stall
Leave the Sun suspended in hope
For world's sake, walk this tightrope"
Hearing this, moon's spirit shatters
Heart heavy, she does what matters
"Sun, I don't have the answer I owe
Maybe in future, is all I really know"
"Not now", "Maybe", "Soon"
She seems to sing the same tune
Whenever the Sun proposes again
Moon deflects the question of when
To this day, the Saturn bears the holy rings
A love so sacred, worshipped by even kings
The Earth is eager to play priest someday
For their love to break the curse, stars pray
The planets wish to witness their destiny
While Ganymede & Titan stare in jealousy
Meeting at eclipse, Sun & moon defy fate
No love is impossible, they forever advocate
Wow Alex! I LOVE THIS! SUCH a creative, well rounded imagining that I will no doubt come to think of time and again!
Perhaps the best poem I've read this week, haha. I hope one day we can see the "tightrope" of harmony becoming, well, filled with less yearning! Keep going and chase that passion (for you won't become a fireball like the sun, I'm sure)!
Hiii Alex,
Just a tiny comment this time =).
My favorite stanza from your poem. The moon knowing the sun's far beyond her reach, and falling in love with him anyway. And the sun too secretly loving her, and sending his love in the form of solar radiation. You add this kind of literary value to scientific concepts, which is great =D!
When I was halfway through, and learned about the sun's and moon's fate, I thought about eclipses. They do come together during eclipses, right? And, sure, you hadn't forgotten =D, for the poem ended stating this very fact. Defying fate <3!
Just like any of you works, I loved this poem as well <3!
See you around,
Hiru (coincidence? Hiru means 'the sun' in my mother tongue XD)
Hey wildflowers, I'm so very grateful for the appreciation! <3
I'm a fan of the videos showing the celestial objects in a emotional and romantic light, so I wanted to try something of my own. It certainly isn't s new concept and it isn't dying anytime soon. I'm happy you liked it!
Haha great minds think alike. An eclipse is also one of things that inspired this. Like why only for a moment? I could feel the longing in the idea, like it's forbidden for some reason.
Wow! That's such a great coincidence. You were clearly meant to come across this poem.
Again, thanks for the love and support. I'm glad you enjoyed this poem!
Hey Alex! Happy Review Day!
As a member of Team Aliens, it felt fitting that I should read and review this wondrous ode to the galaxy <3 I don't often write or review poetry, but I do feel a little more equipped after this year's NaPo in April (which you will LOVE, by the way, when NaPo 2026 rolls around!). Let's jump right in! I assume this is one of your entries to the sun-themed poetry event?
I'm seeing the tease of a rhyme scheme emerging here! They're not perfect rhymes but they do the trick. Right off the bat, too, it's satisfying to see how uniform these stanzas look, like perfect little rectangles.
"Solar system ours" - love that Shakespearian twist on phrasing to make the rhyming pattern work.
Cleaner rhymes this time, love it! When I read it out loud, the rhythm of the last line is a bit awkward and sticks out from the rest of the comparatively smooth stanza. I think it's the pacing of "in background" that's throwing me off. Here's my suggested tweak:
Distant stars like twinkling pearls
Were you to go with the twirl/pearl line, you'd probably want to also swap out the "twirls" earlier in the stanza for something like "spins" - alliteration bonus!
Now we're getting into the meat of the "story!" Absolutely adore this. I will say, though - it's not totally clear to me whether the feminine pronouns in this stanza are for the moon or the earth. From the context of the rest of the poem I know it's the moon, but I would see if there's a way to make that more obvious from the beginning here because at first I understood the opposite!
Oh I LOVE this.
I remember learning in an astronomy class that it's a remarkable coincidence that the moon appears to be roughly the same size as the sun from our point of view on earth. I googled it just now, and it's because the the Sun is around 400 times wider than the Moon and also also about 400 times further away. It's what enables us to experience those perfect eclipses. And there could have been no better way to end this poem than with an eclipse.
Lovely work, Alex! Thank you for sharing your beautiful poetry with us!
Wolfi
Hey, Wolfi! You guessed it, I submitted it in the Sun themed contest afterall. Great to see a member of team alien reviewing my poem about space XD
This such a thorough review, brimming with great suggestions. Yes, the first stanza's rhymes were a little difficult to think of. I was afraid people would call the hindered flow, just as you clearly did. And the bit about 'in the background' is so real. I felt it was iffy as I was writing it but couldn't find any alternative. Your version sounds so much better, I'm definitely taking it. I didn't think one could confuse moon with Earth, you've pointed out a such an important ambiguity, I'll try to fix it when I get the chance. Also the eclipse fact was amazing, I certainly didn't know that. Thanks to you though, now I do.
I really appreciate you taking out the time to read it. I'm absolutely in love with your original review style, it's so detailed and helpful. Thanks again!
You're amazing! I do hope you keep working on this poem. I've found that non-freestyle poems are like puzzles where you have to try swapping out all these different rhythmical and rhyming pieces until it just works. Definitely time consuming, but also definitely fun! And the more we practice, the more intuitive it'll get :3
Agree with you 100% here. I have a bad habit of not returning to old works to give them another round of editing. I want to move past, so hoping I get to figure out how to even better this poem. Your kind words are very appreciated! <3 Practice really does make perfect, as you just said.
Hi @AlexWrites! Z00KI3 here to give a review, let's get into it.
Ohh, that title! It caught my attention immediately! And seeing it was the sun proposing to the moon just remined me of the song O Sol e a Lua.
I like to prophecy the Earth told the Moon, if she denied his love the Sun would become dim and the world cold, but if she accepts he would be a fireball caused by the joy it would give him.. So she had really no other choice but to lead him by a tread of hope so no harm would come to the world.. truly very sad...
With Saturn left baring the rings, Earth wishing to play priest, the stars pray! The planets wishing to see their destiny unfold, Ganymede and Titan stare in jealousy while the Sun and Moon are fated to meet at eclipse every year.
Truly a love to which that destiny is unclear..
I really enjoyed this, and it was my first time reviewing poetry! Maybe i'll read more of your works! This is Z00KI3, signing off!
Thanks for the review, Zookie! ^-^
Really appreciate you taking out the time to read and review one of my works. The review was great for your first try on reviewing poetry, keep up the good job! If you're thinking of reading some other works of mine, Oh, My Moonlit Thief! is pretty similar to this one. Of course you're welcome to pickup any other too, anything that appeals to you in my portfolio- I've made sure to add description. Thanks again!