Cordvac

Hey, Welcome to YWS! I'm Sunshine and I'll be your reviewer today! *Takes a deep bow!* First of all, welcome to YWS! I'm sure you'll love it here! Now- on to the piece! My comments will be in green.

The cloaked figure waited patiently on the rooftop. He had time. Plenty of time. Lovely beginning!Good attention grasper! His dark hood covered his face, as well as perhaps his most striking feature--his eyes. His eyes were pure red, with a certain devilish quality to them. The figure was lanky, but not skinny. He was not an ordinary villain. Hm. I kinda feel like the 'He was not an ordinary villan' should go after the whole eye bit. The stuff about his figure throws the reader off. I mean, that's part of what makes him unordinary right? I mean, who has red eyes?

Money had won him over on his mission today. His client was a rich man, with a habit for hiring mercenaries and such to get rid of competitors. Today's target was a wealthy business men. The objective? The cloaked figure smiled at this thought. The objective was always the same. The man must be dead and never found again. And so this is what the cloaked figure would do. No, no! You don't start a sentance with 'and.' It's a grammar rule. Find more creative ways to put this, or just cut the 'and' out.

The cloaked figure's feet squirmed in his dark brown boots. He flexed his arms. Erm...Self centered much? His target would pass into the house any minute now. He was as close as he could be, upon the roof of the very house the man would enter, but he was still nervous. Although one of the most renowned assassins within the city, he still got the jitters whenever the moment of trial approached.

Cordvac, as the villain was known to most, drew a small throwing knife out of his boot. His target approached. The doomed man was a rather fat fellow dressed in a suit. A small black briefcase rested in his hands. Slowly, he walked up to the front door. Cordvac smiled. The man wouldn't know what hit him. The villain positioned his hand that held the knife, and prepared for the killing strike.

The knife flew threw the air and was embedded in the back of the man's head. Wait...If he's on the rooftop of the building the man was about to enter, than wouldn't he hit him in the front of the head? He was dead. Now, I'm not a huge killer or anything, but a blow to the back of the head would just greatly injure someone; unless that was one SHARP knife. Cordvac leaped from the roof. The man was heavy, but the villain picked him up anyway. Little under-described here. Sure, he's heavy but what about it? Did the villian pick him up easily, or heave him over his shoulder? If you start off with heavy, why not add on to it? He scampered into in alleyway, where his client was waiting. Cordvac dumped the slumped figure at the feet of his client and sauntered off. An evil glint flashed across his stark red eyes. He looked down at the knife he had taken from the dead man's neck, and his eyes took on an even redder color. This ending bothers me. You had such a great flow, got the reader into it and then... it ends abrubtly. Not the good kind of abrupt either. Just kind of hangs off... I mean...

I'm a fan! The first paragraph as a whole was a tad shaky, but the rest was real solid. Cordvac seems like an interesting character, and I'd love to know more about him! Now if I were to nitpick, there are a few small errors such as "the man wouldn't know what it him" and "Cordvac lept from the roof".