Today I took a walk in the clouds. I looked down and what I saw scared me. The things we do are terrible. This world isn’t beautiful. It’s ugly, it’s cruel.
The killings of innocents.
The rape of unwilling victims.
War damaging this nation beyond repair.
The poverty is on the rise.
The starvation of children.
The abuse damaging minds.
The neglect of children and elderly.
Everything in this world sickens me. I’m at a lost for words. How could we have let society get this far. How could we be so cruel to one another? How could we lose our compassion for others? How could we turn into these monsters?
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Hello Alex!
I see you're new to the Society so first off, Welcome! I hope you're doing grand.
Second of all, I'm supposed to review this, so here we go: My initial thoughts were it was too short and needs a title. Also, I couldn't help but notice the capitalized 'I' in your statement "It's ugly It's cruel." You could have put a comma there and I see why you capitalized the 'I' but I didn't see it super necessary. Then, there was what I thought to be an awkward listing. You list all these tragedies 'The killings. The rape. The poverty...etc." and somewhere in all of this 'War' is thrown in. I don't know - it kind of threw me off.
But overall, I totally see your point and agree with you. Our world has become very pathetic...
Good luck to your career!
rosette
Hello Alex!
I see you're new to the Society so first off, Welcome! I hope you're doing grand.
Second of all, I'm supposed to review this, so here we go: My initial thoughts were it was too short and needs a title. Also, I couldn't help but notice the capitalized 'I' in your statement "It's ugly It's cruel." You could have put a comma there and I see why you capitalized the 'I' but I didn't see it super necessary. Then, there was what I thought to be an awkward listing. You list all these tragedies 'The killings. The rape. The poverty...etc." and somewhere in all of this 'War' is thrown in. I don't know - it kind of threw me off.
But overall, I totally see your point and agree with you. Our world has become very pathetic...
Good luck to your career!
rosette
Hi AlexSmith6613! Niteowl here to leave a review.
I thought you started this out in an interesting way. The idea of going up into the clouds and seeing all the world and its problems is pretty creative. However, I feel like this piece falls into a common problem of trying to describe something super broad (in this case, what's wrong with the world) in such a short piece. In attempting to cover everything, it feels hollow and it's hard for the readers to connect. People literally write entire books on these subjects, so just stating them in a short piece doesn't add much to our perspective on them.
If I wanted to write about a certain problem, I would pick a much smaller focus. For example, instead of just saying "poverty", I might write about a certain family in poverty using imagery and other poetic devices to show their reality. I might also contrast it with the life of someone richer who can walk by this poor family and completely ignore their suffering. In doing this, I create a stronger image that the reader can connect to.
Overall, I think its admirable to want to shine a light on the world's problems, but such pieces are stronger when they have a more narrow focus and imagery. Keep writing and welcome to YWS!