Sognore: Chapter One

by Aleta

Published August 18, 2018

16+ Violence

In Sognore

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

PreviousNext

The small, secluded town of Sognore has gone unnoticed by the public for decades. The people there faded away, leaving the town with a population of roughly two thousand. It could not be said that it was death that took them, nor anything of natural cause. It was rare that people moved here, or even came to visit, as they were repulsed by Sognore’s sorry excuse for a town. Its reputation was forever scarred by the formerly toxic chemical plants that littered the land. Sognore was once popular for its production of herbicides, pesticides and other industrial and pharmaceutical chemicals. However, as the rates of cancer scaled unusually high in the area, the people began to suspect that it was the chemical plant’s fault.

Despite this, Sognore’s people did not bother to leave, and when they tried to, something always seemed to get in their way. It was as if the town itself were cynical, hating the humans that inhabited it so much that it prevented them from happiness or contentment. It hung in the air in humid, suffocating clumps which crowded each and every strip of land in Sognore. Some people thought it was a curse, while others blamed it on the paranormal or bad luck.

The townspeople were aware of the elephant in the room and they all knew of their shared sufferings. Despite this, unity and friendship is not a very common thing here. The majority kept to themselves, bogged down with fatigue and lost hope.

Yet, Sognore was disgustingly beautiful; with its rusty, oiled train tracks and its trees that grazed the gloomy skyline. This town was the only mark of civilization in a vast plain of nothing but thick forests and swamps which closed in on Sognore from all sides. It was at nights like this that the wind weaved through the dirt roads and trailer parks, its presence only known by its hair-raising wails. Sometimes it stopped to peer into windows, spying on the sleeping faces until it became disinterested and left with a drawn out moan.

This time the wind was strongly attracted to the window of an orange, small mobile home. Drawn like a moth to flame, the wind stared hungrily into the window which looked into a cramped kitchen. A hunched over figure was sitting on the floor, running the pad of their index finger across a shard of glass.

The wind, desperate to see more, squeezed its body through the window, landing in a heap upon the peeled linoleum floor. It inched closer until it could see the human, pausing in wonder as the human’s face turned to the wind. A stripe of light from a dim overhead light illuminated part of the male’s face, bouncing off his dripping curls and onto the floor. It stemmed out in veins across his cheeks, lips, and neck which stopped at his collar bone. The blood from his finger ran down his wrist and arm in zigzags, resting on his warm, beige skin like a coiled snake.

Droplets of water fell from the tip of his nose, forming a small puddle which lay beneath his bare feet. The water embedded into the cracks of the floor’s yellow floral patterns. He wore royal blue shorts which stopped below his knees and had a flimsy white drawstring on its top. The human wore no shirt, exposing him to the wind’s bitter chill. Goosebumps raced up his arms and he slouched over, wrapping his arms around his knees. The blood from his finger smeared on his shorts as he turned his head to stare emptily at the window. The human’s eyes, which were black as the void of death, focused on a bug which moved in the corner of his window.

He could tell by its spindly legs and the red mark on its rear that it was a black widow. It had probably built its web there so that it could trap the flies which happened to fly through the ajar window. The widow spends hours spinning its silvery, phantom webs into a beautiful cobweb. It was the perfect deathbed for its meal.

He watched as the spider lifted itself down from its web on a thread of silk. The human lifted a hand, as though he were to wave at it. His mouth drooped into a frown at the thought of such a silly notion. Waves of loneliness clashed against his ribcage, sending a ripple of pitter patters through his heart. Even if the widow were to get anywhere near him, it would probably feel threatened and poison him.

The human rested his head on his knees, his eyes half closed in a more relaxed manner as fatigue began to overtake him. “It is good to know that I am not lonely tonight,” he said in a choked voice. He knew he was only trying to reassure himself he wasn’t as alone as he felt. His wine colored blood had now reached the bottom of his ankles, mixing with the droplets of water below. The overhead light had now shifted and only revealed his left eye, casting the rest of his body in shadow. The dishwasher dug into his spine as he slumped against it.

The blade of glass in his hand glinted as he flicked it across the room, slicing another of his fingers in the process. Blood spurted from the cut, splattering onto the floor. The human began to laugh uncontrollably, his eyes sparkling with fake giddiness. His bloodied hand twitched as he considered covering his mouth. Containing his giggles behind a closed smile, he raised his crimson hand in front of his face. His eyes flashed with some obscure emotion as he smeared the blood on his cheeks.

The human’s long, bony fingers glided across his face and down his throat and collarbone. He tilted his face upwards, his owlish black eyes slowly wandering towards the ceiling. It almost seemed as he were disconnected from his body. His breaths slowed, fading into low rattles which shook his chest. The strange light which was once present in the depths of his eyes was now extinguished. His smile had melted off of his face, lost somewhere in the pools of blood. He placed the palm of his hand on his forehead, grating it across his skin in distress.

The human grasped the ringlets hanging over his head and tugged on them anxiously, his hands shaking as he did so. His spider friend was nowhere to be seen. He was completely alone. The human wrapped his arms around his knees, rocking back and forth. His head was buried in his lap, his eyes squeezed tight. The high he got off of the sight of his own blood had now turned into paranoia.

He folded in on himself as tight as he could. It was as though he was trying to sink into the floorboards and disappear. The human eased himself fully onto the floor, his bare body pressed up against the warm, sticky blood. If someone were to look inside his window, they would think he was dead. A sudden tugging sensation pulled on the male’s heart.

Like a puppet on a string, he rose. The human used the countertop to heave himself up, standing on trembling legs. He tread out into the hall, his bottomless eyes staring dead ahead. He looked as though he were a newborn lamb, yet the life was sucked out of his body. He paused for a moment, his squinted eyes scouring the living room.

It was a small, cramped space. The room had nothing but a recliner, couch, and a television. A green, patchwork quilt lay draped on the leather brown sofa. The old tube television sat on a light brown shelf, accompanied only by dust and spiderwebs. Just looking at it made his bones shiver with disgust. Living in the house was a pain enough, but the furniture was even more ugly.

The human’s hand trailed across the black, flimsy wallpaper as he approached the hideously painted purple door. He grabbed the doorknob robotically, twisting it in a manner that mocked breaking one’s neck, and then dropped his arm back to his side. The door creaked open as he slipped out through the thin crack.

The muggy air hangs over Sognore like a looming shadow, casting the land in mirages and darkness. The shadow’s claws raked the stale leaves which hung from the stiff, winding trees. Their bark necks stretched past the swollen beds of clouds in despair, stretching their rigid bodies. No matter how long they grew from the ground, they would forever be chained to Sognore. Their bodies looked like coffins, immovable and reeking with the presence of death.

In the distance two train tracks branched off from one another, bending into faraway corners which were cloaked by thick blankets of blackness. The only way Sognore’s grocery store got its food was by food shipments on the train. Despite that, it was rare to see one. The train usually came in the dead of night. It often had woken him up from sleep with its ghastly wails.

The human’s eyes drooped with fatigue as he stared into the darkness. Yet, somewhere in those pools of oil and sludge, there was a spark in his eyes which blazed like twin stars. His shoulders trembled as pinpricks of heat rushed through his skin and evaporated into lingering tingles. He looked heavenward, knitting his brows as his curls flopped against his nape. He looked as though he were thinking deeply about something. The human’s mouth twitched and he looked down, his ringlets eagerly plastering themselves to his forehead.

Pebbles bit into the soles of his bare feet as he walked forward. A shrill whistle pierced the air somewhere in the distance, fading into the foggy, humid air. He paid no attention to it, and gave no indication that he had even heard the strange noise. The leaves protested as the human continued on through the murk, their bones cracking and popping as they were flattened beneath his bare feet. The human fiddled obsessively with his hands and fingers, rapping them against his wrist in agitation.

His body seemed like a weak slice of paper compared to the blackness which engulfed him on all sides. The human’s shoulders caved in as if he were trying to defend his own body from the outside. He leaned from side to side as he walked, like a tower that was about to fall over.

The wind, which perched upon a branch, looked down at the swaying figure. Previously it had been curled around the branch like a bat, enjoying the clear air which is only present in higher areas. Its relaxation had been interrupted by a human’s presence. Oftentimes the wind would be able to notice certain disturbances in its surroundings, even if it weren’t paying attention.

It was not too unusual to see humans wandering around at this time of night, however they were usually hobos or addicts. They often lurked in the forest or in the factories, not in the open. The wind, piqued with annoyance and interest, flew to the ground. For a second the wind had thought it was a lone spirit, but it was not so. Though the male’s face was blanched and sickly, he was alive. The wind, noticing the blood smears on the human’s skin, coiled its tail in surprise. How odd!

It was the same young man he had peeked at earlier. The wind could tell by the human’s lack of clothing and his damp, curly hair. It looked like he was about to fall over any minute now. The wind raced behind him, butting its head against the male’s back, forcing him up. The human’s groggy eyes slipped over to his left, his mouth parting.

“Everything is watching me,” he said in a crackly whisper, “But no one outta here sees me.” The wind separated itself in two, pushing its weight upon both of his shoulders until he buckled onto the ground in a crumpled heap. He rolled his eyes up towards the wind. The human’s gaze was unnerving, especially so because no human had ever looked at the wind with awareness of its presence. He didn’t even bother to put up a fight or try to stand back up. It was obvious that he had completely given up. His hands lay up at the sides of his head, the lower part of his body twisted to the right.

“Did I do something bad to end up here?” It wasn’t a question, but more of a pained joke. The corners of the human’s lips twitched as they curved up into a slight smile. His pupils darted side to side as he scanned the vacant sky. It was as if he were trying to search for the stars.

“Sometimes I think maybe that’s true. Everyone and everything in Sognore did something so terrible they were sent here to suffer. I guess I just like to make up cool stories for why I was born here. Really, I’m just a nobody in an invisible town.” His breath hitched in his chest as he placed his palms on the rough ground, pulling himself up into a sitting position. The human eyed the broken down train tracks which curved down somewhere deep into the forest. A loud pop echoed off in the distance.

“Should have consumed me already,” he mumbled as he staggered to his feet. His face was swallowed by the darkness as he stood, blending into the void. The human stumbled and tripped as he headed off to the direction of the train tracks. Suddenly he lurched forward, breaking into a wobbly run. His heart beat faster as he closed in on his destination. As he neared the tracks he paused. The human opened his mouth as he gulped down pockets of air. The wind was already ahead of him by now, its body curled around a thin branch which dangled low to the ground.

His behavior was so erratic it was hard to keep up. He seemed sane at the core, but Sognore had already gotten to his mind long ago. It was sad but there was nothing the wind could do about it. The only thing it could do was watch, as it had for decades. The wind unraveled its body from the limb as it flew over a closer look. The human was now standing at the edge of the oiled train tracks, scuffling his feet in the dirt. Hoots and screeches sounded off far away. He stepped onto the tracks, facing forward with a blank look on his face. The wind slunk up behind him, giving him a slight nudge on the shoulder. The human seemed to take no mind to it.

The roars and rumbles which sounded even louder as the seconds passed by had no effect on the human. He stood there like a statue, unwilling to budge. The wind twirled around him, settling in front of his face for a final look. The light shone as blindingly as the sun and its glare flashed in the pits of his sunken eyes. It screamed louder than the rage of the ocean and the wrath of its wheels were unmatched by none.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Bloodlord
Review
Bloodlord wrote a review Review · Aug 18, 2018

Hi; Bloodlord here for a review!

This piece was quite interesting, and you have mastered description and depiction very well. I feel like I can understand Sognore pretty well after reading this, and you definitely conveyed the creepy reality of this town!

This comment isn't really a big deal, but you switch between "male," "human," and "he" a lot when describing the guy. I don't think you have to switch as often, as he is the only character you have introduced. Also, your repeated use of 'male' seems a little unnatural. Perhaps just 'man' would be fine. However, this isn't really that important of a change to make.

Going back to your note before the piece, you apologize for the chapter seeming long. However, I don't think word count necessarily makes pieces long. 2500 words can go by both quickly and slowly, but it depends on sentence construction way in which action is conveyed.

When reading this, it seemed like 2000 thousand words were description and 500 were action. Even with the action, there were a little too many words to make it seem like the story was moving. Many times it seemed like you were trying a little too hard to make fancy descriptions, when simple, direct sentences could have gotten the same point across in a less dense way. In some cases I like the metaphors, but there came a point when they stopped adding to the description and just made it harder to read.

I find that when people are deciding what to read, the first few chapters are what they look trough to see if the story is interesting. Your story is really interesting and I'm sure it will get even better, but I think the way you present your narrative in this first chapter would be hard for people to become attached to.

Sorry if this seems harsh -- I would love to continue reading this -- and you can totally ignore anything you want here since this is just my opinion. Thanks for writing, and I look forward to seeing what comes next!

Aleta replied · Aug 18, 2018

Thanks for the input! With the switching between human, male, and he I felt like if I kept saying he or just human over and over again it would get repetitive so that's why I switched it up, but if it's just fine if I use human or he then I'll just do that instead. I added more description since someone told me I should but it seems that it is too much

User avatar
Chase7
Review
Chase7 wrote a review Review · Aug 18, 2018

Hey Aleta!

First things first, i really enjoyed the piece. I loved the description you added which let us into your head, or rather, your vision of Sognore and damn it sounds like an apocalypse town with zombies.

However a lot of description could be bad. I get the fact you probably really wanted to bring us right into Sognore. To see exactly what you see and experience the different emotions conveyed. But it did also feel like you were slapping us with a crap load of information (not that it was crap). The first chapter is supposed to grasp the reader's attention and you let go. I feel that you were just trying to hard to let us into your view of Sognore that you forgot that this was supposed be the first chapter. You gave us everything we needed to know about Sognore in just the first chapter. The first chapter is supposed to be lightweight with a few drops of information, just enough to picture the scene. It shouldn't be a tour of the town before you really get into the book. Rather start with probably some dialogue then give a small description of the city and maybe the brief history so we understand how things got that bad but the information should just flow as the book goes because readers don't like heavy first chapters where they're attacked with a lot of information for them to remember all at once. I would give examples of how to format it but I'm pressed for time at the moment.

There are a few case where you overspoke about things, that at least right now, don't seem important such as the paragraph that you spent talking about the Black Widow. Unless it's a key thing later on you should probably cut it to a line or two. Even if it's a key thing, yet again, its a little too much information at once.

Don't get me wrong though, I did love the piece because I enjoy this particular genre and I was pulled by the description of Sognore but others might not appreciate the amount of description you added.

Well keep writing about your town Sognore, and just PM me if you want help.

Aleta replied · Aug 18, 2018

ah okay thanks lol I could see why it%u2019s too much I actually re edited it and added this stuff all in it used to not be so descriptive but then my mother said i should add in a lot more but I%u2019ll just have to find a balance

Chase7 replied · Aug 19, 2018

I'm sure you'll figure it out, this definitely a great work in progress %uD83D%uDC4D

Random avatar
colleeneliz Comment
colleeneliz commented Comment · Aug 18, 2018

Really good effort

Aleta replied · Aug 18, 2018

Thanks :)



There’s always a story. It’s all stories, really. The sun coming up every day is a story. Everything’s got a story in it. Change the story, change the world.
— Terry Pratchett