Patricia’s words didn’t work anymore. She wanted to say something but only yielded weird hiccuping sounds. She stood there in the middle of the kitchen floor, arcing her toes over the icy tile. The parchment covered walls were weirdly yellowed, and the little painted birds on the wall looked stiff and afraid, much like how she felt. Her heart thumped in her throat again and again.
“Smile, Papa.” she suddenly murmured.
The old man looked up, clutching something in his white knuckled fist. His eyes were yellowed and red. Patrica wanted to touch his face but he seemed to big for her.
“Daddy’s smile doesn’t work anymore, hon.” he stammered. "It's not gonna be okay, not for me. I'm not gonna lie to you like the rest of them. But for you, baby girl, I'll make sure you get on well enough."
He stood up slowly. They both stood there, looking at each other, feeling dizzy and wasted. The old man lit a cigarette and placed the thing on the table, walked outside to the veranda. Patrica waited a while. She was groggy and afraid. She stepped toward the table and climbed up in the chair to see the thing her father left behind. It was a crimped photograph of her mother, her smile distorted by the aggressive crinkles. The birds along the walls wriggled free and climbed above and out through the ceiling, softly flapping their wings. Patricia sat there and cried. She didn't know why.
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140,862 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hello, big fan of flash fiction here - That also means higher expectations on my part.
I don't see any action in this; It seems like a good beginning, but there's no punch. Flash fiction can be anything from 5 to 1,500 words, so you aren't going to hurt yourself if you add onto this. As it is now, it's complicated to follow along with the abrupt "ending" which ends as it begins to dive into the whole story. There's no conclusion of why it all happened.
But all that doesn't mean it wasn't engaging. I found myself getting interested as the dialogue happened. It fits with the characters of a little girl and her papa. “Daddy’s smile doesn’t work anymore" is chilling in my opinion; Something about it makes me feel all shivery, but that's good if you want to give it a suspenseful feel.
As the other review mentioned, the birds are a metaphor, but for what? I can't wrap my head around that, but from what I have read, I do believe it has something to do with the father and his issue with something? That something is so far unknown.
Another thing to do with consistency, why give the little girl a name if it is not used more than twice? I see a lot of the pronoun she, and since you're using that more, it would be better to leave it without or rewrite those parts. "she had her hands entangled behind her, tightly squeezing one another, sweaty palms, and a pounding chest." You could switch "she" into her name, but that's up to you to decide on.
Final mention, who is speaking in the reply of "Daddy’s smile doesn’t work anymore"? I assume it's the father, but I can also imagine any person saying that to the girl. A little more detail can go a long way. Nothing complex is needed, but some backstory can help.
Anyway, I hope this is helpful - Hopefully, not rude either.
Axi
Thanks for leaving your thoughts. Getting around to editing it. You weren't rude
Thanks again.
Hey there!
I saw your work in the Green Room , so I decided to say a few words about it.
First of all, I'm a huge fan of flash fiction, and I realize how difficult it is to work with the format, because of all the constraints. So it's great you took the challenge.
Now, about the story.
Usually writers in the genre use less characters, and up to two names and you did very well in that sense.
It's very poetic and the second part is amazing. Normally flash fics have a surprising ending, something that totally leaves the reader in "Woah, I didn't expect that", but in your case the ending is good.
What I'm confused about it is the overall story. I see it's a dream, but I learn that from the title.
Perhaps if you add a sentence in the end, it would change things drastically.
Overall- I really like it, and I think it'll be even better with a few edits.
Thank you for sharing it and I hope my feedback was helpful to you!
Will definitely make take time to go over it again and again until it's the best it can be. Thanks for reading and taking the time to leave a review.
Hey! Andrew here with your review!
This is interesting, quick, and felt kinda poetic in its rhythm. It was a little hard to gauge what was going on because of its shortness, but nevertheless, interesting.
That first paragraph was confusing. There were to many pronouns and too few proper nouns, it was hard to tell how many people were in the situation.
The last bit about birds was also confusing, I could not tell if they were a metaphor or literal, and if they are literal, where they came from and what they’re doing there.
But that’s all just my two cents!
Hope I helped!
Overall this has merit, just a bit short.
Thanks and keep writing!
Andrew
Thank you for leaving a review. Will certainly go over it again until it's the best that it can be. The birds are metaphor. I suppose I will edit for added clarity to insinuate the metaphor. Thanks again.