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The Truth Holders Prologue (Draft 1)

by Aleleekhall


Frane was walking through the woods and counting his money, trying to figure out how his family would pay taxes this year, when he suddenly noticed that he was no longer on the trail. He tried find his way back but couldn’t and started wondering the woods for hours. Frane became a merchant just as his father had after he died. Frane was just under 6 feet and was growing balder as he was aging. He was supposed to see his family three days ago but the trails around the city of Les Far have always been difficult for people to navigate. This annoyed him because all of the tax money went towards the military instead of agriculture. Frane only goes to collect a portion of the money that his son makes, especially since his son has recently had his first child and rent in the city is extremely expensive. Recently they have had few sales though which has made Frane worry about how his family will survive.

He was trying to go back the way he came but had lost all sense of direction. It was starting to get dark and he did not want to be here at night. Nothing would attack people on the trail but here things were different. He started to walk faster looking for any form of shelter but with no success when he heard howling from no more than 300 feet away. Frane had no weapons on him since it was against the law so he started to run. He could see three wolves coming closer to him and he was almost out of breathe when he saw a stone temple not far from him.

The temple was old, probably the oldest building in the country Frane lived in, Rentrot, and the temple was not forgotten. Frane heard stories when he was young about how no one but the most holy of holy people could go inside when it was in use and that it was dedicated to the goddess of life for the religion Zaliharism. People rarely go inside anymore and would have no reason to anyways for the religion has all but died out. Frane realized that the temple was about 2 miles away from the trail so if he could make it there, then he could stay at it tonight and get back to the trail tomorrow as well as getting back to his house in only a day.

As he was nearing the temple, he felt a sharp pain in his ankle. He had not felt pain so extreme in all of his life. The wolf had red eyes filled with anger and grey fur that was tangled worse than anything he has ever seen. Frane pulled his leg free of the wolf’s grasp, tearing his pants in the process. He started running up the temple steps. With each step he took the wolves were getting closer to him and he could feel the awful pain of where he was just bit, barely keeping the willpower to not scream and fall over in pain. He managed to get into the temple, closing the wooden door, trying to lock it while the wolves were pushing hard, almost breaking in. Frane managed to lock the door and started to feel the pain in his ankle even worse than when he was first bit. It felt like one hundred thousand needles were jammed into his ankle at once. It was so unbearable that he fell over.

The temple was just one large room with bookshelves all around the walls with a marble pillar in the center of it. When he was trying to close the door he didn’t notice that there were other people in the temple but he could see them now. There were about 5 of them and were all wearing hooded robes staring at Frane.

One of them who was shortest of the hooded people said “He should be our next test.”

A different person that was holding a dagger said “No! We aren’t ready and I do not want to fail. You know what would happen, it would go both ways.”

The short person now annoyed said “We need to move up at some point and…”

The person holding the knife interrupted “Animals come next, nothing else.”

“Your right, but we can’t just let him leave. We should just take the knife and end him.” The short person said walking towards Frane.

The person holding the dagger thought for a moment before sounding like he had a sudden realization and slowly said “No, we shall erase his memory of us tomorrow and if he remembers, then he will be our first human sacrifice. One person can always help us in the most unexpected ways. I shall have him remember us helping him many years ago.”

The short person bowed down to the person holding the dagger and said “As you wish for the end is near and the only truth is death.”

While the hooded people were talking, Frane was trying to get up and leave, he knew weapons were illegal out of the army and punishable by death and he did not want them to kill him so he thought it would be best to escape while they were talking. Frane felt that the chance of death was higher with these hooded people than in the woods. He couldn’t hear the wolves anymore so they probably left which meant that if he managed to get to the trail, he could walk along it for many hours and sleep when the sun came up as long as he tried not to think about his pain.

As he was getting up, a hooded man saw him and stabbed his ankle where it was bit worst, twisting the knife around. Frane could see that the hooded man had long pointy ears and was quite tall, looking like he will soon burst out laughing. That hooded man was an elf. Frane couldn’t stand the pain any more. It felt like the needles inside him were jugged out all at once and were replaced with fire that could maintain shape and would turn inside him, not burning only his skin but even his bones. Frane started screaming, not able to endure the pain any longer. The elf who was stabbing him picked him up, threw him in a wooden chair, chained him down, and gagged him, smirking down at Frane before returning to the circle the rest of the hooded figures had just created.

The person who was holding the dagger that didn’t stab him stood over the pedestal and took out a flower. They placed it down and started chanting in a language Frane couldn’t understand. He was trying to think about who they were and why they were doing this but couldn’t because the pain was too distracting. The only thing he could think about was how the pain was the worst thing he has ever experienced and that he wanted everyone there dead. After half an hour of chanting the hooded people stopped and the flower disintegrated looking as if it had been burnt by 20 dragons all shooting fire at it for an hour strait.

The hooded figure with the dagger sounding almost as if he has just achieved his greatest life’s accomplishment said “The time has come for death. The Ones who claim to know truth are bringing over the western scales to cause chaos so the fake can rule the world. They have made their prophecies and in doing so became dull. While they have been choosing their path we have figured out their plan. What we need to do is…” The hooded people looked over at Frane and cast a spell that forced him to fall asleep.

Frane awoke the next morning by the hooded people throwing him off of the chair and ungagging him. His back was sore and his ankle was starting to swell and did not look good. Frane tried to get up but couldn’t because his ankle was still in a lot of pain. The elf sighed and bent over using some sort of magic to heal his ankle just enough so he could walk but would still be in pain. They told him to leave, pointing Frane in the direction of the trail and told him not to look back for at least 10 minutes. Frane assumed they wanted to do this so he could wipe his memory. He would rather have his worst memory wiped than dying so he didn’t look back after he started leaving but could still remember the night before. Frane thought of trying to kill the hooded people but knew it would never work and would probably be disintegrated just as the flower had if not worse the moment he rose against them. As he was leaving, he never lost his memory.

As he was limping down the trail, he couldn’t stop thinking about how that flower disintegrated. Frane was contemplating about telling the king of Rentrot, Alof, but knew it wouldn’t do any good. He would either be killed for wasting Alof’s time or the hooded people would kill him. Frane also thought that maybe if he said that he was robbed at the temple then he might have a chance to get rid of them but would still most likely die. Another thing he couldn’t stop thinking about was what they were saying that death is the truth and why would they be in that temple. Frane felt like that if they didn’t put him to sleep then he would know what their true intentions are and how they will achieve them. This made him wonder why he still had his memory and why they put him to sleep in the first place if they were going to wipe his memory.

He couldn’t think of a single reason how they failed at wiping his memory but could perform magic that was as powerful as disintegration. He thought about this for many hours before coming to a sudden conclusion that seemed so obvious that he was disappointed in himself for not realizing it before. He realized that the hooded people must have not wiped his memory on purpose and wanted him to do something. This would mean that they must have wanted to be found but why would they say that if he told anyone then they would kill him? He had no idea what to do at this point and the pain of his ankle and lack of sleep was making it hard for him to come to reasonable conclusions. There was also the possibility that everything they said last night around him was a lie to try and deceive him.

Frane has also never heard of anyone called The Truth Holders. There is nothing west of Rentrot because the ocean is right next to it so there is no way scales could come from the west. He thought that maybe scales are dragons but all of the dragons live in the south. There was the possibility that Rentrot would attack another country to the East but he was almost certain that Alof had already declared war on all other nations around them. He then had a feeling that they were probably spies for another country even further east next to a country that could be losing the war. Frane thought of everything they did with disintegrating the flower and how the short person said that the only truth is death. He thought that it might be possible that they will be attacking the country from within. Another question Frane kept on thinking but figured out was why were they in the ancient goddess of life’s temple if they were worshiping death and he decided that it would make sense to say that even life cannot stop death and they are the most powerful. Frane decided that no matter what happens, Rentrot is in some sort of danger including his and his family’s life. Frane decided at that point that he will not mention anything to anyone and in one month’s time, he will leave to study in Les Far about anything that might help him with this knowledge about who these hooded people are and if they might be invaders. He would rather go to study in the temple because of all the books there but knew it would be too dangerous. Frane would also like to go to Alof right now but knew that without complete proof, he will die. He decided to not tell anyone, including his family about the cultists or else they would all be killed. Frane noticed two things at that moment, he was almost back to his house and all of his money was gone.

Without money he had no way to pay taxes so him and his sons will be forced to fight in the war or have their family be executed. In order to not be drafted Frane would need to get 200 gold within two weeks and if his ankle isn’t healed by then, he will have no chance of survival fighting in Alof’s war for his ever growing desire for more power.


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Sun Oct 29, 2017 9:13 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, Aleleekhall! Welcome to YWS! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



I'm just going to mark the ones I can with red because I'm too lazy to write explanations.

strait


Should be "straight." A "strait" is a narrow creek.

ever-growing


You also have a lot of problem with dialogue punctuation. Here are a few articles to help you: One; Two

Suggestions:



No suggestions, except see Overall.

Confusing things:



As he was nearing the temple, he felt a sharp pain in his ankle. He had not felt pain so extreme in all of his life. The wolf had red eyes filled with anger and grey fur that was tangled worse than anything he has ever seen. Frane pulled his leg free of the wolf’s grasp, tearing his pants in the process. He started running up the temple steps.


I doubt that a wolf would go for the ankle first.

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



No other comments, reactions, or fangirling.

Overall:



This writing is very amateur. Boring sentence after boring sentence, unnecessary descriptions, etc. To fix this, I would recommend checking out this article. It provides some very good advice on how to write well :D

Keep up the great work :)

Give me your soul --

Kara

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Fri Oct 27, 2017 12:04 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Aleleekhall! Welcome to YWS. I'm Pan and I'll be reviewing your work today.

First Impressions

Straight away I can see where your strengths and weaknesses lie as a writer. You've got great ideas; you have a clear understanding of how your characters fit into the world of the story, and you've obviously dedicated a lot of time to working out the politics of said world too. Communication of these ideas is where you struggle, as you're prone to over-explaining things and your writing style on the whole is much too clinical.

As you've said that you plan to rewrite parts of this, I'm not going to faff around pointing out nitpicks, and in any case I think you need to solve general problems before we start getting too specific.

Before I get onto the main review, I will mention that this piece would definitely fit better as a first chapter than a prologue. Prologues are typically removed from the main story, often taking place some time before or after it, whereas this just seems like an inciting incident. Some readers skip prologues, as well, so you should avoid putting major plot developments in them. As a general rule of thumb, if it can work as a first chapter, it should be a first chapter.

With that said, let's get to the review!

Writing Style

Writing style is undoubtedly your biggest weakness, so I'll tackle it first and get it out of the way. As Mea said, your style is just too distant. Your description always tends to be quite methodical, which means I can follow what's happening easily enough but I can't really relate to it. Let's take this line:

As he was nearing the temple, he felt a sharp pain in his ankle. He had not felt pain so extreme in all of his life.


Here's a pointer for writing tangible description: think about your choice of verbs. Adjectives are all well and good, but I actually think verbs have even greater descriptive power. To illustrate, let's imagine we're trying to describe the act of somebody punching someone. Contrast these examples:

She brought her fist into his face.

She smashed her fist into his face.


Which creates the more powerful image? The second, by a country mile. The reason for that is the verb choice. 'Brought' isn't an incorrect description of what she's doing with her fist, but it's quite a bland way of putting it. 'Smashed', on the other hand, makes you think of something breaking apart and shattering, so it gives us a better sense of the impact and the damage she's doing.

Let's look at this in relation to the quote. In the first sentence, the main verb is 'felt'. What does that verb actually tell us? Only that he...well, that he felt something. Nothing more than that. It doesn't give us any kind of idea as to what sort of pain is afflicting him or how crippling it is. But if we experimented with the verb choice:

As he was nearing the temple, a sharp pain bit into his ankle.

As he was nearing the temple, a sharp pain burst through his ankle.

As he was nearing the temple, a sharp pain sliced through his ankle.


See how these verbs all create a different understanding of how the pain actually feels? That's the power of the verb. Always ask yourself whether you're using the best one for the situation. In the same way that you'd scrutinise your adjective choices to make sure they were fitting, pay attention to your verbs.

Another point to make is showing and telling, which is relevant to the second part of your quote:

He had not felt pain so extreme in all of his life.


This is what we'd call telling writing, and not particularly effective telling at that. If you're not familiar with the whole 'Show vs Tell' debate in writing, the basic overview is that showing and telling are two different kinds of writing techniques. The former relies on detailed sensory description and requires the reader to infer meaning, whereas the latter makes the meaning explicit. Telling is claims; showing is evidence.

Examples:

Telling - She thought him beautiful.

Showing - The liquid light rippled over his fair hair, sliding behind his eyes and drawing warm, autumnal colours from them. When he smiled at her, her chest squeezed.

That's a very basic comparison, but you see what I'm getting at.

From this, you can see that 'he had not felt pain so extreme in all of his life' is very straightforward telling. Where's the evidence? How do I actually know he's in pain? To show this, you would have to give the reader Frane's reaction. Ask yourself: if I was watching the scene from a hiding place in the trees, how would I tell that the man was in agonising pain?

The answer is probably quite obvious. You'd hear him screaming. If you said something like:

As he was nearing the temple, sharp pain tore through his ankle. He screamed hard enough to startle the birds.

Granted, it's not my best example, but we can picture it now, right? We know what Frane is feeling and we can see the physical reaction to it.

A good exercise for showing is to imagine that you're watching your scenes unfold from under an invisibility cloak in the corner, and to describe only what you can actually see the characters doing. Don't explain the reasons behind the actions. Pretend you can't see into their heads at all. By focusing on what the characters do instead of why they do it, you have to find ways to show emotion and attitudes through their actions rather than narratorial explanations. It's obviously not a perfect strategy, as we often do need to dip into characters' heads in order to clarify meaning, but it can get you into the right frame of mind for showing.

You can read more about showing and telling here and here. I'd definitely recommend giving them a look if you have a moment, because both articles go into a lot more detail than I have here.

Character

I don't mind Frane - he certainly has the potential to be interesting - but I don't feel like I've got a very strong sense of his personality yet. He doesn't react to anything in a way that strikes me as particularly unusual, so I have to assume he's a pretty regular guy. I do like that you've got a good sense of his personal life, as that will give him conflicting motivations, but I think you should hold back a bit more on the backstory. Rather than telling all about his financial struggles in the first chapter, you could write some active scenes about him returning to his sparsely-furnished home, skimping on food, raking his hands through his hair as he counts up the money. You could even explore what he does when he doesn't have enough. Does he sell things? Gamble? Steal? Beg? Stoically accept it? What people do when they're desperate reveals a lot about their personality. In other words, I want you to show his financial struggles rather than just telling us he has them, and I want you to use those financial struggles to reveal more about what kind of person he is. Something to think about for future chapters, at the very least.

Story Content

Am I intrigued by the story? I'd say yes, with a few reservations. I like the references to political unease, the muddling of war and espionage and magic, and I think you've set up a clear line of conflict which you can get a lot of mileage from. Frane also has enough contrasting desires to be an interesting protagonist.

However, whether or not this idea holds is really going to come down to execution. You need to make sure Frane is fully developed, and that the antagonists have multiple dimensions to them rather than just being a sadistic, evil organisation. World building will be key. All the cards are in line, you just need to make sure you play them right.

Other Miscellaneous Pointers

-Describe the forest. That's something that I found particularly lacking about this piece - considering he spends so much time lost in the woods, you never actually stop to talk about what it looks like, nor how he actually manages to get turned around in the first place.

-Use all of the senses in your description. At the moment, you seem to focus almost solely on what Frane can see, but that isn't enough. What can he smell? Hear? Feel? If he's in a forest, you've got an amazing opportunity to talk about the scents of soil and earth and wild herbs, to talk about the grass trailing over his legs and the midges that get trapped between his lips. Think yourself into the space. Don't go overboard with it; hone in on a few striking, specific bits of imagery and that will be enough.

-Brevity is key. When you edit this, I want you to go over every line (every single line - turn rigorousness into a habit) and ask yourself if it can be expressed to be more concise. Good writing is about saying as much as you can in as little words as possible. You shouldn't ramble or repeat yourself. Pay particularly close attention to the second to last paragraph, as that one is particularly meandering.

-Watch your tenses. You slip into present at numerous point in this piece, so keep a keen eye out for that when you edit. Tense slippage is easily done, but it's one of those annoying errors that you should try to catch early on in proof-reading. Read the piece aloud - that can make them easier to spot, and can highlight other minor expression issues too.

I'll leave the review here. I hope this was helpful! All in all, it's an interesting start to the novel, and the actual ideas behind it seem sound. Expression and style should be your main focus when it comes to improving. Think brevity. Think about verbs. Think about senses. It's not going to get better overnight, but it will come with practice.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Aleleekhall says...


Hey, thanks for the review. I will definitely work on my writing style but there were a couple of things that you told me to change but I can't. The reason this is a prologue is because Frane is the protagonist's father. I also like to have characters develop throughout the story, including the antagonists.



Panikos says...


Ah, that's fair enough then!



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Thu Oct 26, 2017 12:01 pm
Mea wrote a review...



I'm here to help rescue your chapter from the clutches of that almighty beast, The Green Room! *commence dramatic music*

Frane was walking through the woods and counting his money, trying to figure out how his family would pay taxes this year, when he suddenly noticed that he was no longer on the trail.

This is a pretty good first sentence! Why? Because it immediately establishes who the main character is and gives us a conflict to care about: how will they pay? Establishing conflict and character is the best way to hook your readers from the beginning.

I'm also glad you don't drop that conflict completely once the "real" plot with the Truth Holders starts. Because realistically, even though Frane has something new to worry about, he also still has all the old things to worry about too.

I think the biggest thing you could work on in this chapter is pacing. Some parts felt like they were rushed over too quickly, and other times you took too long explaining things that could have been worked more subtly into the story. For example, in the same first paragraph, we're introduced to Frane and his money problems, he loses the trail, and spends several hours of him wandering in the woods. In the very first paragraph. The jump to him being lost felt really abrupt, and I think you could spend longer on when he first realizes he's straying from the trail.

But on the other hand, the second half of the first paragraph, where you're describing all of the backstory about Frane, could probably be cut. It's important information, but to be honest when it's told in a block like that, the reader tends to skim over it.

Similarly, I thought you did a good job of the pacing as he was walking towards the temple, but then once the wolves started to attack, everything felt skimmed over again.

Also, right now the narration feels rather distant from Frane - I feel like we're just being told his thoughts and feelings, rather than being shown them, and that makes the story less vivid. For example:
While the hooded people were talking, Frane was trying to get up and leave, he knew weapons were illegal out of the army and punishable by death and he did not want them to kill him so he thought it would be best to escape while they were talking. Frane felt that the chance of death was higher with these hooded people than in the woods.

Frane is probably terrified here - he's in a lot of pain and a lot of danger. Adrenaline should be pumping through his system, and the reader should be feeling it right along with him. So instead of just telling us he's trying to get up and leave, show his thought process, maybe something like this:
"Frane's heart pounded in his chest. Maybe he could escape while they were talking. Having those weapons was punishable by death, so they had to be desperate - they would kill him on a whim. Frane bit his lip and tried to shift toward the doorway, but his ankle screamed in agony every time he put weight on it."

And that's enough critique! I really like you ideas here, particularly that Frane is a man with a family who has to care about things as normal as taxes. I'm interested to see how the fact that he has a family will affect the plot getting started with this weird cult of "Truth Holders" (which is also interesting). I liked the description of the temple and the dead religion - that interested me as well

And I think I'll leave it at that! Good luck with this story, and keep writing!




Aleleekhall says...


Thank you for the review. I have actually been thinking of changing a few more things as well but wanted to know how to improve before rewriting many parts of the chapter




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