As Fiona was getting up,
She was no longer alive.
Her soul drifted away,
Disappearing for all time.
Only one thing was left,
Her brain within its final thought,
‘What would have happened if I did this instead?’
She always continued the thought.
Many people now gather,
All in that state of mind.
Trying to figure out,
How they got no life.
Then there are some,
Who truly do not know,
How they want to live,
Or make decisions.
There is always a truth,
That no one ever sees.
It is the infinite doors,
Of opportunities.
Opportunities don’t exist,
When the mind truly thinks,
There is only one lone door,
In a hallway of possibilities.
The first hallway seems infinite,
But when a door is opened,
A new hallway is formed,
That can seem forever longer.
Fiona had a chance,
Just as everyone else.
But her decisions betrayed her,
Into waiting with doubt.
She was always searching,
For an open door.
But doors are only open,
When searching is unknown.
Fiona spent her life in regret,
Of what it could have been.
She never once noticed,
The hallway will never end.
Why do people only wish,
That they took different chances,
When they never reflect,
On their successes?
The answer is simple,
One can always know,
That people aren’t satisfied,
And only wish for the future.
While Fiona’s last thought,
Fails to continue,
The memory of her,
Will never be pursuited.
She failed her life,
For one simple reason.
She always remembered a door,
Making the rest invisible.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello Aleleekhall! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
As Fiona {got} up,
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
She was no longer alive.
Her soul drifted away,
Disappearing for all time. {Alive and time don't rhyme}
{--}
Only one thing was left,
Her brain within its final thought,
‘What would have happened if I did this instead?’
She always continued the thought. {Never rhyme with the same word}
{--}
Many people now gather,
All in that state of mind.
Trying to figure out,
How they got no life. {This line doesn't rhyme and doesn't make sense}
{--}
Then there are some,
Who truly do not know,
How they want to live,
Or make decisions. {What does this rhyme with?}
{--}
There is always a truth,
That no one ever sees.
{Of} the infinite doors,
Of opportunities.
{--}
Opportunities don’t exist,
When the mind truly thinks,
There is only one lone door,
In a hallway of possibilities. {thinks and possibilities doesn't rhyme}
{--}
The first hallway seems infinite,
But when a door is opened,
A new hallway is formed,
That can seem forever longer. {I am really confused. Is there a rhyme scheme?}
{--}
Fiona had a chance,
Just as everyone else.
But her decisions betrayed her,
Into waiting with doubt.
{--}
She was always searching,
For an open door.
But doors are only open,
When searching is unknown.
{--}
Fiona spent her life in regret,
Of what it could have been.
She never once noticed,
The hallway will never end.
{--}
Why do people only wish,
That they took different chances,
When they never reflect,
On their successes?
{--}
The answer is simple,
One can always know,
That people aren’t satisfied,
And only wish for the future.
{--}
While Fiona’s last thought,
Fails to continue,
The memory of her,
Will never be {pursuit}.
{--}
She failed her life,
For one simple reason.
She always remembered a door,
Making the rest invisible.
Interpretation:
Jesus Christ this is very dark
like me. Honestly, if you replace "Fiona" with "Kara," this poem is easily about me. Oh god, that's only a bit scary.Other than that, my interpretation is exactly like @Flumadiddle's, except with one more element: Fiona died because of her memories, because of her decisions and stuff. Right? This poem just seems dark enough for it.
Overall:
Overall, the imagery and things are amazing. However, this could come out as offensive to certain people who do look back on their decisions. It didn't offend me, but it could come out as offensive.
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
This is great! I am ZeldaIsShiek, and I am here to review your poem and improve your writing as a result! I'm also here to keep @DemonGoddess from getting a head start at reviewing by tagging @DemonGoddess so she is distracted! What a perfect and deliciously sinister trap! Let's begin.
Your poem is very good, and I feel that your work is very original and very active in a way that I can not describe in mere words. Your work is very inspiring, and the metaphor of infinite doors is very good. It feels like the hallway is infinite in the beginning of the poem, until it is revealed that the protagonist is caught up in her own failures and can not see the successes and opportunities she is missing. Fiona seems like someone who made a bad decision, but can't quite get over that one bad decision that wrecked her life. Whether it's something big or something small, no one knows what happened to her, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that she is depressed and lonely, when she could be opening one of the infinite doors right next to her.
That's all for now! Sorry about the short review, I'm just having trouble finding things to write about here, since it's so unambiguous. One thing you could improve upon is delivering the poetry, and making the meaning more mysterious.
-ZeldaIsShiek
you failed mwuahahaha
Nope. We are still winning! For now...
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
So, the first thing I notice is that the line "How they got no life." would sound better if you were to say "How they have no life." Another thing is that the line "The hallway will never end." may sound better if you were to write "That the hallway would never end." Otherwise I did not notice anything else wrong but others might!
Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that a girl, Fiona could never get her life together. Simple as that. She could not focus or let her mind wander to forget that she was looking for something because if you go looking for something, you will never find it. It must find you. Her memory's are also plaguing her from when she was young to more recent times. She struggles to pull her back down to earth so many times and find the correct path.
Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
**sees this**
**sees souls**
**flips table with happiness**
This is not poetry.
Yeah, I noticed after I reread it. Is there any way to change it?
Sorry about that, it was originally poetry but after I revised it, it wasn't anymore.
Oh, you go up and click the "edit" button
tag me when it's revised
alright, I revised it. I did originally seperate the paragraphs every four lines but it didn't save when I posted it