Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I see you've already received an excellent critique from Flite, so I shall do my best to do the same. xD Unfortunately, I haven't read any of the previous installments so please excuse me if I mess up when it comes to your storyline, and the like. Here goes.
I can say that I do love how you told that story in the end. Although, I could tell that the boy is young, I could also tell that he is mature and prepared to hear such a story of destruction. From the way you had him react to the story, I could see that he was thinking with a mind of a mature child. Not a child that was used to thinking of destruction and the like, but one that was innocent and only wanted to think of happy things. So that when he heard this story, it made him sad but it also made him happy that people didn't do those things anymore. Although, from his father's reaction I think that maybe it does still happen. Right? Clearly, you are foreshadowing something here. Most likely I will need to read the other chapters, and the future ones to find out what, though, eh?
While I loved how you had the story told, I also would appreciate a bit more detail when it comes to the actual detailing of the story that Lat told to Ferrin. If you want your reader to feel the horror of what the humans had done to the earth then go into some more detail. Put more emotional detail into it. For instance, if the humans are destroying the earth by cutting down the trees, then have Lat give an example. Have him point to something that shows what humans did. Is there something that he could show Ferrin that would bring across what destruction the humans had done? Some sort of relic from those times nearby, perhaps? Just a thought. I really think you could bring in some detail on this. Put in some more descriptive words, bring some more color in. Take your sentences and try and build more from them. For instance, you mention how painful something is. Instead of just saying how painful it was, why not go into it more. Describe the pain a little. I understand that since Lat is telling the story that might seem a bit strange, but since he is trying to give a good picture to his son... he would want to describe just how exactly everything felt like. Make sense? Hope this helps a bit.
Now, I will try and focus just a little on the more technical side of things.
his", the red-haired man said.
You are missing an article right there.
Besides him was a woman; they were both standing on a side of a mountain, watching the forest in flames.
Two nitpicks.
1) I would suggest not using the semi-colon when necessary. They really drag down the flow of your writing. A comma on the other does not, and flows right along with the sentence.
2) I would change the wording of watching the forest in flames to watching the forest go up in flames. "Go up" in flames put's more action in it and that will give the reader more of an image and will insure that they feel that the story is still moving forward.
"No you won't!"
Comma after "no".
, he kneeled down
Kneeled isn't technically a legitimate word. In this circumstance, use knelt.
Before I close up this review, I would like to mention how in the first part you mention how they start to walk down the side of a mountain. Then as we go on you never make any mention (while the story is being told) of what they are doing. Obviously, we can gather that they are still walking, but give us some sort of picture. Make mentions of them kicking up dirt with their feet. Are there rocks on the ground? Give us some sort of idea of what exactly is going on.
Aaaand, I believe that's it for my review. Hope this helps.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Points: 1658
Reviews: 401
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