Thank you very much for your crits everyone! They're very helpful! I'll work on possibly rewriting the prologue, but then again I may move on to the next chapter, we'll see.
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This is my first attempted at a story, so I'm just warning you, it might be a bit pathetic. And this prolouge is short, but it's kind of like an introduction. I hope you like it!
[i]"Love is like the wind darling, only those who feel it can see it. I know you can see I love you, and that your mother loved you too. It's that feeling you get when you look at the person you love. When I look at you, I'm reminded of the wind. Free spirited and ever-changing. When I saw your mother I was reminded of warm summer nights and the stars, beautiful and mysterious, I see the night sky now Leliel. Goodnight, I love you."
Then father died. He left with a simple smile. Not a sad smile, like he was excepting that he had to die, and didn't want to. No, he died knowing his daughter was free, and no longer had to care for him. He died knowing he would be able to watch his daughter forever, and protect her. He died knowing he would see mother again, his true love.
What he didn't know was that his daughter never ever disliked taking care of him. He didn't know that she felt responsible for his death. He didn't know that she would dedicate her life to saving others, so they wouldn't have to feel the same pain she did.
Only one person ever died in my care. That was my father.
Thank you very much for your crits everyone! They're very helpful! I'll work on possibly rewriting the prologue, but then again I may move on to the next chapter, we'll see.
I love you Rhiine, and your writing!!! Very good, and I adore that prologue. "Love is like the wind..." I totally understand it (well, duh, I was there when you wrote it and you went on a 5 hour spiel about it. ))) Best of luck in your writing! Message me when you have added another chapter, luvvie!
This was lovely. It was touching and sweet and delicate and definitely not OTT. And, and... Although it was short, it hit the right notes, and I think any more would have trailed it out too much, drained it.
All errors have been pointed out already. There is just one thing I think you ought to consider:
What he didn't know was that his daughter never ever disliked taking care of him.
Hi, there! First of all I'd like to say that this piece had a really sweet, sad and simple feel to it with beautiful imagery. A perfect bit for a prologue, and it left me wanting more!
That being said, you do have a few problems with punctuation, capitalization, etc.
NITPICKS
"Love is like the wind darling, only those who feel it can see it. I know you can see I love you, and that your mother loved you too.
When I saw your mother I was reminded of warm summer nights and the stars, beautiful and mysterious, I see the night sky now Leliel.
"Goodnight, I love you."
Then father died. He left with a simple smile. Not a sad smile, like he was excepting that he had to die, and didn't want to. No, he died knowing his daughter was free, and no longer had to care for him. He died knowing he would be able to watch his daughter forever, and protect her. He died knowing he would see mother again, his true love.
What he didn't know was that his daughter never ever disliked taking care of him. He didn't know that she felt responsible for his death. He didn't know that she would dedicate her life to saving others, so they wouldn't have to feel the same pain she did.
Only one person ever died in my care. That was my father.
"True love is like wind. It goes to and fro on the earth, never stopping and never yielding, just going around and around, over and under and between and on top of, but never stopping."
"True love is like the wind," my father always used to say. He'd laugh, and blow a curl out of my hair with his warm, sweet breath as he sanded at a block of soft wood. "It goes to and fro on the earth, never stopping and never yielding, just going around and around, over and under and between and on top of, but never stopping."
oops, I meant for the story to be in italics, so just ignore the little [i] I had some issues with the computer!
Points: 890
Reviews: 18
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