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16+ Language Violence Mature Content

What an Imagination

by AlanaT620


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

WHAT AN IMAGINATION...

I've never liked social studies. Just the constant thought of, what has our country come to?What if Bill Murray gets killed, and someone else comes into the election. We'd really be S.O.L then. Bill is just such a good man, I’m scared of what is to come. I guess I just think too much. I have a constant fear of what's going to happen to me and our lousy country. It’s 2050, half of the ocean is literally non-existent. People die every day due to such bad pollution, and poisoning crops, rotten cow meat, numerous viruses, you name it.

They always ask me,’’ What are you gonna do in 5 years?” I don’t know what’s gonna happen in five years. What if I meet the love of my life, and she ditches me for a millionaire?What if I live on the streets?What if I die at the age of 22? Scientists have already discovered more than 47 diseases in 30 years, so who knows how I’ll die. It's not like I'm going to college anyways.I’ve never been the ‘’smartest’’, I guess people just think I’m smart and I skipped a grade or something.

Just because I’m 17 as a senior. The only reason why I’m younger than everyone is because of my birthdays not until June 20th. I don’t like birthdays, not like anyone would come to mine if I did celebrate anyways. I never even bring cupcakes for the whole class, and then they sing that stupid song. It’s just too much stress on me personally.

Besides, it's not like anyone would sing for me, I have no friends...Well, I guess being underage is good because if people try to invite me anywhere I can just say that I’m not 18 yet so I can’t go.

I’m not very ‘’open’’ to people.No one hates me, but no one likes me. Well I know someone that hates me...Oliver Sanchez, we were friends freshman year. We were really close until I got a girlfriend's junior year. So he got mad and didn't talk to me because he felt like he was a ghost because he wasn’t getting any attention. He’s the only person who doesn’t like me.

Yet I don't get noticed a lot, I can’t complain, because I prefer to be alone anyways. So people not talking to me doesn’t hurt my feelings.’’Luciano, Luciano, LUCIANO!’’.’’Huh?’’I questioned.’’Can you explain to the class what happened in 1736?”Mrs.Mitchell asks, knowing I wouldn’t know.

’’Um…’’What do I say, I never get called on.’’I’ll answer Mrs.Mitchell.’’Kadence shouted. God, I hate Kadence. She always has to say something. She’s a little short, blonde, blue-eyed, cheerleading Bratt! She acts like she can do and say anything because her parents are lawyers, and they will fight back for her. Which is true. I can’t believe she has close to a 400,000 thousand dollar home, and she chose to come here. It’s very poor. not even half of the senior class graduate. Then the ones that actually end up graduating turn out to be drug attics because they can’t afford college.

I guess she just came here so that she can show off her little putt and her student of the year awards.’’And that's what happened in 1736.’’Kadence said out of breath.’’

Thank you Kadence, now Luciano, do you have anything to add?’’Mrs. Mitchell asked.’’No that sounds right...’’I could always see Oliver in the corner of my eye staring me down in disgust when I spoke.

A subtle knock came from the door, two security guards and the counselor opened the door. They motioned their hands towards the teacher. She immediately looked at Olive.”Can we speak to Oliver for a minute?”Oliver got up and threw all of his books in his bag and flipped me off behind his back as he walked out. He can’t still be mad at me! The door slammed behind them and you could already hear the anger in Oliver’s voice as he spoke to the administration.

’’I told Mrs. Torres that he was the one who kidnapped Lucy Damner, I bet you that where he's going...’’Kadence whispered to Avery.’’Such Snitch’’ I mumbled under my breath.’’What did you say?!”Kadence snapped.``Oh nothing, I just said you were a SNITCH!’’ Avery just looked at me with surprise.’’He talks?’’Avery snickered. The whole stopped and stared at me.’’Ok settle down you too.’’Mrs.Mitchell announced. Avery looked at me in the eyes like a cobra ready to strike. He knows he’ll get his way. Even if I am right.DING DING! There goes the bell. As we were getting ready to leave, that stupid phrase was summoned.’’The bell doesn’t dismiss you, I do.’’

’’Come on I gotta go to physics’’ I mumbled. Who thought of this idiotic phrase?! ’’Ok, you may leave.’’Mrs.Mitchell said chuckling. Thank God, I can't wait for school to end so I can go home and watch Dragon Ball--.

I looked outside of the classroom to find no one in the halls.’’Thanks Mrs.Mitchell, now were all late. I have to run across campus to the bus!!’’Xavier groaned. Kadence began to pace through the halls, opening and slamming doors behind her’’ Mrs there's no one here…’’. I stepped inside of Mrs.Mitchell's classroom to alert her that no one was there.’’Mrs.Mitchell?”The rest of the class jolted into the room.

”What in the world is going on?”I said my heart pounding. Xavier and Lucas ran outside to see nothing, no one.’’Okay, everyone calm down!’’I announced over the group of people freaking out.’’Ok, I don’t know what's going on or what's gonna happen, but I know one thing. We need to stay together.’’I said my knees shaking.’’Let's call our parents, and see what's going on.’’Before I could finish, kids were already pulling out their phones and frantically calling their parents.

Of course I had to make that “brilliant” idea. I can’t even call my parents because their in prison for robbery and possession of multiple firearms. They won’t be getting out for a couple years. Then I can’t call my younger sister. After all, she has nothing to do with me because she’s afraid we’re gonna get too close and I’m gonna leave her as mom and dad did.”The smart idea” I mumbled under my breath.

”Who are you gonna call?” A small voice whispered, tickling the back of my neck. I turned around so fast I almost turned into a dang helicopter. It was Isabelle. She didn’t have any friends except for her mom and her three-legged cat. She's what you call “special”. She doesn’t have any disabilities, it’s just that she’s not “normal”.

I feel bad because she’s just a short little ball of nervousness, and no one likes her because she asks like she’s in middle school. I try to talk to her and be nice to her, it’s just that I don’t talk to anyone because I don’t want to open up to someone, and they ditch me.

”Huh?” I questioned.”Who are you gonna call?” Isabelle asked silently.”Oh I called my mom, but she’s busy so she hung up.” Liar, I thought.“Well that’s weird because my mom didn’t answer the phone, maybe she’s busy too.” she said with a painful smile.

That can’t be right, everyone knows that when Isabelle calls her mom, she picks up right away. Its almost as if she knows when she’s calling.”JUST ANSWER!”Xavier yelled with anger. I looked around to see that everyone was upset.”Are anyone’s parents picking up?” I asked hoping someone would say yes.”What do you think!?” Lucas said in disgust. I backed down “We should have never listened to you! Ya, let’s listen to the weird kid whose parents left him to go get money for drugs! Your parents don't love you, you know that right?”Lucas yelled, he was lashing out at me because he was worried about no one picking up.

So I let him relieve his stress on me. That's what I learned in therapy. If you meet someone that you know is having a breakdown then let them release it upon you. Besides, it’s not like I care what people say. That's why I do whatever. Lucy used to tell me that I shouldn't listen to anyone because they are all gonna be gone through college. She was also so pure. Oliver didn’t like that. He didn’t like me having any contact.

Now it all makes sense! Oliver kidnapped Lucy because he was jealous. that piece of shit.“Luciano!” Kadence yelled.”What are we gonna do now that no ones picking up?!”Kadence whined,” Um, hey let’s stay at your house Kadence, it’s big enough anyways.”I said hoping she’d agree.

“What, no !” She yelled claiming her dominance.”Ya so we can stay together, you have enough space anyways.” Xavier whispered in Kadence's ear knowing he’ll get his way.

They were already dating, so if she said no to him It would be kind of weird.”Well...I guess.” Kadence said un-willing to surrender her house for a bunch of animals.”Ok, let's go then!”Xavier yelled happily. I chose to ride my bike because I wasn’t about to ride in a random person's car and listen to 69 and SoundCloud rappers the whole ride there.NO way!

So I just rode my bike for 2 miles in the freezing cold. God why does Kadence have to be so rich...I’m not jealous it's just that, if she probably wasn't so bratty because she knows she has money, then she could be nicer. I just want her to understand the struggle of people who can't afford anything...I finally arrived at this literal white house!

’’Well, this is my house’’ Kadence said upset. Well makes sense your whole 4th-period class is staying in your house while no one in the whole universe is present.’’Lets PaRtY!!!’’ screamed Xavier.

Dang, what a douche. Claiming her house just because you guys are in a relationship.’’Are you coming?’’Isabelle asked politely.’’Oh, I guess’’ She grabbed my arm and ran to the monster of a house. What in the world is the little ball of nervousness doing running into this house jamming out?

Dancing has always been my thing, but I don’t show it. After all, I know l might get ratted for it, cause maybe some people might not think I dance that good.’’Come on.’’She whined.’’No I'm fine liar, I thought.’’Announcement! We are going to party till night!’’Xavier announced.

’’OMG!’’Kadence laughed in shock. Xavier bout fell off the dang table. He suddenly almost threw up, like he was seasick. Everyone was recording and screaming in disgust and laughter. He fell on the floor and just face planted.’’Idiot.’’ I muttered. Then all of a sudden, he just got back up and stood straight.

The whole house went quite. You could hear the buzz of a fly. He just stood there and his eyes rolled back. Slowly his back was popping back and forth. His bones were popping out of his back. Ripping through his shirt. Now the house screamed in terror.’’What the hell!’’Lucas froze. His feet started to lift and he lost his breath, he was getting choked mid-air. Xavier was possessed! Lucas was turning purple squirming for help, he struggled to get out of Xavier's strong grip. Xavier dropped him, and he chuckled at accomplishment.

Lucas just laid on the floor, paralyzed, dead. Xavier looked me right in the eyes and just stared into my soul, the same way he looked at me back in second grade. When he shoved me down the ditch, and I almost drowned. That was the last time I saw him, well until high school. Because he moved states because he was a danger to everywhere he went. I blinked. They wouldn’t open, all I could see were his thoughts. A white dome, I was in his thoughts. It was silent.

I was in another dimension. It was Lucy...Lucy was sitting there just staring at me. A tear fell from her face, followed by the floor. I was being surrounded by white walls. Screams were piercing through my ears.

’’Stop, Stop!’’Kadence screamed. Xavier just kept staring at me. Then I fell. My knees slamming on the floor.’’That's gonna bruise’’ I mumbled. A loud bang piercing my ears. Xavier fell to the ground.Kalila held a gun in front of her. The room got quiet. All you could hear was Kalila's heavy breathing.

’’You killed him’’ Kadence yelled.’’ He killed Lucas, and you're worried about him being dead?!’’Kailia replied.’’You Bitch...’’Before you could blink all you could see was Kadence running towards Kalila and threw her on the ground.’’Break them up!’’Ari yelled.

Shots fired...Kadence and Kailia looked up heavy breathing. Everyone gasped. They looked up to see that Isabelle jumped in front of me to save my life. She fell like an angel. Kailia took her life…

’’Isabelle?!’’I cried frantically. I fell to the ground her head laid on my thighs.’’Isabelle?!’’She held her hand to her heart. Then a tear fell. A tear of true pain. I brought my head close to hers. Her breath tickling my neck...

’’What an imagination." she whispered her voice cracking.’’What?!’’I cried hoping she would reply.No response. She just laid there, looking into my eyes just like Xavier did. I closed my eyes and felt the tears trickling down. I didn’t want to open, but when it was time I couldn't see. I was there again. I was in her thoughts. Lucy sat there still, just looking at me. Then she just...disappeared.

A memory played through. It was us in 2nd grade.I and Isabelle were playing in the sandbox when Xavier came by and kicked sand in my eye.’’HaHa, serves you right.’’I could see Isabell comforting me, trying to help me get the sand out of my eyes.

’’Is that your Girlfriend?”Xavier laughed with a smirk on his face.’’No!’’ I said pushing her away.’’What a jerk’’ I mumbled while watching the memory. Then Isabelle's Face got closer to mine from where I stood. A tear fell. Followed by the floor and the walls.

’’OMG’’Screamed Kadence.I snapped back to reality.’’Isabelle and Lucas are DEAD.’’I whispered, my voice cracking. I look up tears running down my cheeks.’’Look we’re animals. Two people DEAD!’’’’Three..’’ Kadence whispered.

’’It's your fault, you killed Isabelle! If it wasn't for you blaming Kailila for killing Xavier then Isabelle would be alive!’’I yelled I was claiming my dominance now.

’’ It's my fault?! You brought us here! If it wasn't for your bright idea then they would all be alive!”’’I'm sorry.’’ Kailia whispered.’’’’We need to properly lay these people down, With God's arms wrapped around them.’’I said.’’I'm going home” Sophia yelled from the group of people.’’After we’ve buried these kids!’’I yelled back.’’We have to go to a church.’’

I got up and played Isabelle’s body on the cold tile. I got up and asked for blankets. Kadence ran upstairs and got 3 thick blankets.

We wrapped all their soulless bodies and headed to the nearest church. We just tied them to the roof of Mike’s minivan.I sat up on the van holding the bodies down. I put my headphones to block out my cries. One tear after another.’’I shouldn't have come to come to school today.’’I said to the moon.’’God, will you answer me? I know I don't ask you a lot of things, but can you tell me what's going on?”

A light breeze ran past my shoulders. I could feel the tears running down my face. It was so cold. I couldn't help but shiver. But it only got colder and colder. I was in the room again...That horrifying room, but this time was different...no one was there. I could just see the white walls and my breath coming from my mouth. I tried to look down, but I couldn't. I was paralyzed.

Then someone came from the dark tunnel that lay behind the back wall of piercing light. It was Kahlene, my little sister.’’God, I miss you so much’’ She said crying with tears falling down her eyes. A chair came from behind her and she sat, she didn't move. Almost as if she wanted to stay. I've seen this before, I thought.

That chair, why that chair...It reminded me of the chair that sat in the corner of Oliver's room. It was always so old, it creaks when you sit down and it gives you a creepy feeling. A silhouette came from behind her. She looked at me in the eyes, just like Xavier and Isabelle did. She looked at me and whispered.’’Don’t leave me.’’

I started to scream in terror...the silhouette slung a knife out, looked me in the eyes, and said,’’ What an imagination.’’Then slit her throat. Now I was screaming of both terror and confusion. This thing just murdered my sister! Then the chair began to fall followed by the floor.’’Luciano!’’Mike yelled alerting me.C’mon let's get this over with, I gotta go figure out what's going on.’’Mike said whiningly.’’Oh ok.’’I wrapped my headphones in my pocket and started to lower their bodies from the roof of the car.

What does that mean? What an imagination...Lucy, Isabelle, and now Kahlene said it. Maybe that's it! Maybe I'm just dreaming! Well I should've thought of this before! I couldn't help but pinch myself, but It hurt. I wasn't asleep.

I did it again thinking I was just in a heavy sleep. But nothing was happening. I just kept pinching myself. A tear fell down. Is this my reality!?’’Luciano. What are you doing?’’Kadence cried.’’Oh sorry it was just a mosquito.’’I said frantically. Liar I thought.

’’Well c'mon let's bury these kids before they give me a panic attack '’’.She said ready to go home.’’ ok’’, I said.we all walked up to the church doors, corpses and all. Mike went to open the church doors, but they were locked.’’What now we have to bury them in the freezing cold!?’’Kadence whined.’’ well ya that was our plan.’’I said grunting about to drop Lucas.

’’I'm sick of this!were going in this church and were leaving them there, I didn't just stay up until three just to leave a bunch of kids outside of a dark church! No!.’’Mike yelled, frustrated. Before you could blink he already had the door kicked open swinging back and forth.

’’Well that was easier than I thought.’’Mike said chuckling. We all stepped in the church when the doors slammed behind us, you could hear the doors lock.’’What the hell?”I said. Then the light flicked off. All you could see was god being sacrificed in colored glass in the back of the church. The moon was the only source of light. But no one spoke. I couldn't hear anything.

’’Hey guys who bumped into the light switch?”I frantically asked my heart to fall out of my chest.’’Oh, no one.’’ a voice whispered. I felt a hand brush my shoulder, I jumped of fear.

I saw something, it was candles, thank god. I thought. There was a circle of floating candles, circling me…”Did you just think you were gonna get away with this.’’Someone questioned.’’Getaway with what?’’I questioned my voice shaking.’’You ruined my life! You just thought that if you just said sorry that I would forgive you!”

I know that voice...Oliver?I still couldn’t say anything. A strong wind came throwing the doors open. The candles don't blow out though...They just stayed burning, burning, the wind got stronger and stronger. The wind surrounded me, and it lifted me up. Then I saw everyone, but they weren't by me they were staring at me...Their eyes rolling back. They stared into my eyes. I couldn't move because I was stuck there, paralyzed.

I was back. Back in that horrifying room. It was so quiet.But I couldn't move this time. I couldn’t stand, and move my hands. That chair, that stupid chair. I want to destroy that chair! I could move my feet so I took the chance and I stomped towards the chair and tried to pick it up.

Am I really that weak, I can't even pick up a chair! Then a force came, I couldn't control it, just like the last times. Now I was in the chair. I tried to get out, but I didn't even budge. I looked down to see if I was tied down but I wasn't. Not until ropes started to come out of my skin, ripping through my sleeves..what's gonna happen! I don't want to die! Then the silhouette popped out from the dark hallway.

I started to walk toward some with a red ribbon that glowed in its hands. I tried to escape but the rope just got tighter.’’Shhh,’’ It whispered wrapping the ribbon around my mouth, then tying a bow at my lips.

’’You know what you did..’’ A tear came down burning my flesh as it fell down my cheek.’’I can't forgive you, not ever! You put me through so much pain!’’The silhouette cried.

Then a film began to roll in the distance coming closer and closer to my face. It was me and Oliver. It was when I told him that we couldn't hang out anymore because he was being creepy around me and Lucy. I began to drift off and Oliver just stayed standing there. A piercing tear running down his face. What did I do?! It's all my fault.I'm the reason for Oliver always being so sad. He got closer and I could see into his eyes. I was a memory in the reflection of his pupils.

He sat on his bed and tears were streaming down his face. I heard a loud pounding on the door of his room. It flew open and there stood his mom at the door.’’How do I look?”She said happily. She was always on dates with random guys who just end up beating her and Oliver.’’You look beautiful mom.’’ he said with a fake smile.’’What's wrong?”She asked not knowing what to do.

’’Well—’’ He said about to finish his sentence before she interrupted.’’Well only babies cry, grow some balls, and go do something with your worthless life and go buy me some cigs, get some for yourself while you're at it.’’She said chuckling.’’Before you do that clean your room!” she said coughing.’’Yes Ma'm said. She slammed the door behind her. You could hear her laugh through the walls as she left.

I zoomed out of his eye. I realized that I was a real jerk. The silhouette cameo back and looked me in the eyes without saying anything. A loud siren came out of the walls, bouncing off and piercing in my ears.

The silhouette just chuckled, watching me in pain. The siren got louder and louder!’’Luciano!’’A voice screamed from my conscience.

‘’Where am I?’’I cried my voice cracking. I looked down to see me in a white tank top covered in blood, and my arms and legs cut up. I felt a strong hand pull my chin up. I couldn't see who it was at first, but then my eyes adjusted to the burning light.

It was from Oliver. I looked around and noticed we were in his basement. I saw Lucy behind him with her head slumped down.’’Oliver...’’I cried.’’Oh good morning, or should I say goodbye..’’Oliver chuckled.’’What do you want from me?”I whispered choking on my spit.’’I want your life, I want our memories and your thoughts.’’He said.

’’I’m so sorry I said choking.’’Well, too bad.’’ He chuckled not even thinking about what he's just done. I couldn't breathe anymore. My last breath was being taken by my ex-best friend.

He grabbed my chin and held tied a rope to my throat’’ Listen, everything that you just experienced was me...haha, you weren't at school! You weren't at the church, but one thing is correct, Isabelle, Lucas, and Xavier are still dead .’’He moved out of the way to show me the row of soulless bodies slumped over in chairs.’’You wanna know what's gonna happen to you..’’Oliver snickered.’’What?”I whimpered.’’You’re gonna die just like everyone else….’’ No! No this isn't happening, I am not dying! I tried to escape the tightness of the ropes burning my flesh, but it only got tighter. I could feel my soul leaving me. He got close to me and whispered with his cold breath.’’What an imagination…’’

THE END


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559 Reviews


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Sun May 31, 2020 1:39 am
Tenyo wrote a review...



Hey AlanaT620

This is great! I was quite sceptical at first. These characters seem to have some pretty unhealthy relationships between them, it seemed like there's a lot of unnecessary drama, however as the plot developed it actually worked really well. I feel like if they had gotten along and resolved their differences the whole situation would have gone quite different.

The beginning seemed a bit off. I feel like someone raised in 2050 in that environment would describe it differently- those things wouldn't be strange to them. The extra details you've added really add depth to the world, which is great, but I'm not sure if it's necessary. It's a story that could have taken place in any number of time periods without needed to build an entirely different timescape in order to introduce it.

The tension is great here, and the plot is really well structured.

Nice work =]




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Mon May 04, 2020 9:36 pm
Lia5Giba wrote a review...



Hey! I haven't reviewed in a while, so bear with me...

Wow. That was a lot. I'm sorry if you weren't going with this, but it seemed like the main character, Luciano, was in like a drug haze for most of the narrative, slipping in and out of hallucinations and scenes changing like crazy. I think that in part, it made it interesting, but it also made it a bit hard to read as a reader. I got more than a bit confused during all of his visions, and because of that I couldn't really keep track of what was happening, which made scenes less impactful and dramatically reduced the shock of the twist at the end.

I think that your story seems interesting, but because of your writing it's hard to keep track and stay engaged. At least, that's how it was for me. I'm sorry, I'm being harsh and this is your story, so please, if you hate my comments then don't follow them.

Let's start with something I saw repeat a lot in your writing: dialogue. There was a good amount of dialogue. Unfortunately, many times it was hard to get a feel for it. That's because you didn't start a new paragraph each time a new person started speaking. Here's a rule of thumb that I personally try to follow when I'm writing: whenever a new person starts talking, you indent. Start a new paragraph. Unless you already knew that and are intentionally making multiple people talk in one paragraph, then maybe follow that dialogue rule. It makes your text a lot more readable, and consequently holds our interest for longer.

Here are some instances in your text that I might want to change around:

Just the constant thought of, what has our country come to?What if Bill Murray gets killed, and someone else comes into the election. We'd really be S.O.L then.

Okay. First thing. That comma in the first sentence in this quote? It doesn't need to be there. Also, this is 2050, right? I have a sneaking suspicion Bill Murray wouldn't be alive then. He's already 65-ish now. Also, why is it important if Bill Murray dies? Is he running for president? You don't tell us what the election is for: president, class representative, etc. Tell us. And what does S.O.L. mean? I've never heard that acronym unless talking about SOLs, the tests. So is that what that is? Or is it a different acronym? If it is, you might want to tell us, the readers, just for clarity's sake.

I have a constant fear of what's going to happen to me and our lousy country. It’s 2050, half of the ocean is literally non-existent. People die every day due to such bad pollution, and poisoning crops, rotten cow meat, numerous viruses, you name it.

Maybe this is just me, but this doesn't seem like the attitude of someone who's scared of what's to come. Maybe he's just nervous or faintly apprehensive. It doesn't seem like it keeps him up all night. Also, this is a lot thrown in my face. Numerous viruses and he still goes to school? Not likely. Wouldn't the ocean be bigger than before because of "bad pollution" and climate change? Why did it shrink? That doesn't make sense to me. Luciano is probably hardened by now like plenty of others, and he probably isn't the only loner out there. He still probably lives with his family, and are probably just trying to survive. If this is the future, this decrepit apocalypse, then this story should be a lot different than the plot you have now. I think.

You could do one of two things in response. One: change your plot. Or two: change how bad the future is. I'd say if you still want this story, do option number two. Because not doing either makes the story a lot more inconsistent and isn't really an option.

They always ask me,’’ What are you gonna do in 5 years?”

Fix that quotation mark, make the "5" a "five," and maybe define "they." Who? And why five years exactly?

What if I meet the love of my life, and she ditches me for a millionaire?What if I live on the streets?What if I die at the age of 22? Scientists have already discovered more than 47 diseases in 30 years, so who knows how I’ll die.

Getting dumped by a girlfriend is one of this guy's biggest worries? In this world death is at every turn. He should be worried about how to survive, not getting into a relationship! And living on the streets? By this apocalypse, I'm sure hat way more people are doing that than they already are now. Probably some of the people he knows are homeless, given the apocalypse.

I’ve never been the ‘’smartest’’, I guess people just think I’m smart and I skipped a grade or something.

Just because I’m 17 as a senior.

Put these in the same paragraph. Better flow.

Also, just in general, gonna put something out there: there are many comma errors in this pieces. I'm sorry. If I were you, to fix the many problems that you have, look up comma rules and go back through this piece, then fix everything that you see.

I never even bring cupcakes for the whole class, and then they sing that stupid song. It’s just too much stress on me personally.

People bring cupcakes to class and sing "Happy Birthday" as seniors? In high school? I'm sorry, but... I didn't even do that in middle school. This is senior high school. During a virtual apocalypse.

Besides, it's not like anyone would sing for me, I have no friends...Well, I guess being underage is good because if people try to invite me anywhere I can just say that I’m not 18 yet so I can’t go.

What is the connection between being underage and having no friends? I just don't see it. You either need to split these or actually tell us how they connect some way, some how.

Well I know someone that hates me...Oliver Sanchez, we were friends freshman year.

You might want to define this relationship a bit more. I had nearly forgotten about Oliver by the end with the big twist. Tell us how Oliver shows his hate. Does he refuse to talk to Luciano, even for school? Does he send his death threats by email? Does he relentlessly prank him? Does he stare daggers at him whenever they see each other? Define this relationship, maybe even outside of this paragraph.

Yet I don't get noticed a lot, I can’t complain, because I prefer to be alone anyways.

Don't put "yet" there. It's the same as "but." And "but" doesn't go there, because it's not opposing any ideas you previously mentioned. In fact, it actually makes sense due to the fact most people don't like or hate him. I might just delete the "yet" completely.

’Luciano, Luciano, LUCIANO!’’.’’Huh?’’I questioned.’’Can you explain to the class what happened in 1736?”Mrs.Mitchell asks, knowing I wouldn’t know.

Remember what I said about starting a new paragraph each time a new person speaks? That starts now. So if I were you, I'd start a new paragraph for what Mrs. Mitchell is saying.

God, I hate Kadence. She always has to say something. She’s a little short, blonde, blue-eyed, cheerleading Bratt!

Very stereotypical. Not a criticism, just an observation. Don't change it if you don't want to. Also, don't spontaneously capitalize things. "Brat" (spelled with one "t", not two) shouldn't be capitalized because it's in the middle of a sentence.

It’s very poor. not even half of the senior class graduate. Then the ones that actually end up graduating turn out to be drug attics because they can’t afford college.

That's a good question, actually. Why did Kadence come here? It literally makes no sense. She shouldn't belong in your story! You have to change this because it makes no sense. If you do stuff like this, irrational things like a rich girl going to a run-down shack of a high school do not exist. Be smart and logical in your stories, even if they're fiction. Otherwise we as readers won't enjoy it nearly as much.

Oh, and why does student debt for college lead to drug abuse? Sure, that's probably the case for some students, but probably not for all of them. This again doesn't make sense.

I guess she just came here so that she can show off her little putt and her student of the year awards.

I think you spelled "butt" wrong. And I'm sure she could do that at other richer schools, too.

’’I told Mrs. Torres that he was the one who kidnapped Lucy Damner, I bet you that where he's going...’’Kadence whispered to Avery.’’Such Snitch’’ I mumbled under my breath.’’What did you say?!”Kadence snapped.``Oh nothing, I just said you were a SNITCH!’’ Avery just looked at me with surprise.’’He talks?’’Avery snickered. The whole stopped and stared at me.’’Ok settle down you too.’’Mrs.Mitchell announced. Avery looked at me in the eyes like a cobra ready to strike. He knows he’ll get his way. Even if I am right.

Hold up, hold up, hold up. Who snitched? And on who? I am very confused in this. Please clear up in your writing, because I don't who kidnapped who, who snitched on who, why it matters, why someone was kidnapped, and why Luciano is mad about someone snitching. He doesn't have any friends, right? Why is he reacting in this way, too? He's kind of a loner; why bring such attention to himself? So... why? Just why?

”What in the world is going on?”I said my heart pounding. Xavier and Lucas ran outside to see nothing, no one.’’Okay, everyone calm down!’’I announced over the group of people freaking out.’’Ok, I don’t know what's going on or what's gonna happen, but I know one thing. We need to stay together.’’

Alright. So... why is Luciano stepping up? Isn't he the loner? The guy no one listens to or notices? So why is he stepping up all of a sudden? And why are people listening? Also, who are Xavier and Lucas again? If you already mention them, it got lost.

I can’t even call my parents because their in prison for robbery and possession of multiple firearms. They won’t be getting out for a couple years. Then I can’t call my younger sister. After all, she has nothing to do with me because she’s afraid we’re gonna get too close and I’m gonna leave her as mom and dad did.”The smart idea” I mumbled under my breath.

Da heck? Then who is he living with? Is he in an orphanage? With foster parents? With relatives? Surely he can call someone? And where is his sister if she's not with him, if he's a senior in high school? Living on the streets alone? With another family? I don't think this makes much sense...

”What do you think!?” Lucas said in disgust. I backed down “We should have never listened to you! Ya, let’s listen to the weird kid whose parents left him to go get money for drugs! Your parents don't love you, you know that right?”Lucas yelled, he was lashing out at me because he was worried about no one picking up.

Jeez. Is Lucas a bully? And why does he know this about Luciano? I thought that (again) Luciano was a loner and people didn't notice him. And yet Lucas is screaming about his parents like he knows what happened? How many others know about it? If people know about Luciano's family's history, then they probably aren't forgetting about him and "not noticing him" like you said earlier.

It was Isabelle. She didn’t have any friends except for her mom and her three-legged cat. She's what you call “special”. She doesn’t have any disabilities, it’s just that she’s not “normal”.

Tell us more about why Isabelle is considered "special," as you call her. That could be anything. So tell me about it. Does she dress unusually? Does she always mumble to herself? Is she overly quirky?

Xavier bout fell off the dang table. He suddenly almost threw up, like he was seasick. Everyone was recording and screaming in disgust and laughter. He fell on the floor and just face planted.’’Idiot.’’ I muttered. Then all of a sudden, he just got back up and stood straight.

I get it's a slangy tone, but put "about" here instead of just "bout." Also, to get more effect, you might want to skip past the "almost" and go straight to Xavier threw up, and "vomit spewed everywhere." That would definitely be a lot more sudden. Plus, it would help make his suddenly rise from drunken unconsciousness more startling. It doesn't seem like getting back up from that is super frightening, either, not the way you've written it. Maybe put some emphasis on how it was a super quick transition from passed out to blank-eyed and standing. Put in some details about how he slowly swayed in the air while standing, like he was possessed. Talk about his eyes. Are they large, conscious? Are they blank and lightless?

The whole house went quite.

I believe you meant "quiet," yes?

’’What the hell!’’Lucas froze. His feet started to lift and he lost his breath, he was getting choked mid-air. Xavier was possessed!

A few thingys. One: I don't know if Xavier is using his hands or his mind to lift and strangle Lucas. This is because you don't tell me. You gotta tell me! Two: I might shove "Xavier was possessed!" onto us. Ever heard of show not tell? I bet you have. Well, this is a perfect time to use it. Show us that Xavier is possessed, don't outright tell us.

Xavier looked me right in the eyes and just stared into my soul, the same way he looked at me back in second grade. When he shoved me down the ditch, and I almost drowned. That was the last time I saw him, well until high school.

Well, that's an important bit of exposition that got thrown onto us in the time frame of about 0.2 seconds. This might have been handier to know earlier, about Xavier's backstory and his second grade bullying of Luciano, so that we could start to form an image of Xavier in our minds. Maybe tell us this in class rather then throw it on us at the last minute.

They wouldn’t open, all I could see were his thoughts. A white dome, I was in his thoughts. It was silent.

I was in another dimension. It was Lucy...Lucy was sitting there just staring at me. A tear fell from her face, followed by the floor. I was being surrounded by white walls. Screams were piercing through my ears.

This is interesting, but it almost gets lost and gets even more muddled through all of this. The first time I read this, I kind of skipped over it because other stuff seemed to be happening. Maybe describe this a bit more than just a white dimension of thoughts? Immerse us in each environment. You need some more description in many cases.

It was me and Oliver. It was when I told him that we couldn't hang out anymore because he was being creepy around me and Lucy. I began to drift off and Oliver just stayed standing there. A piercing tear running down his face. What did I do?! It's all my fault.I'm the reason for Oliver always being so sad.

This is a very fast realization. No second thoughts? No sinking in moments? We as readers cannot accept this life-changing fact in just a tiny paragraph. Have us have the thought process of Luciano next to the film. Make the film go slower and interject Luciano's thoughts as he listens to each part. Then we will get a better sense, and we'll feel the emotion more deeply.

’’Well—’’ He said about to finish his sentence before she interrupted.’’Well only babies cry, grow some balls, and go do something with your worthless life and go buy me some cigs, get some for yourself while you're at it.’’She said chuckling.’’Before you do that clean your room!” she said coughing.’’Yes Ma'm said. She slammed the door behind her.... I zoomed out of his eye. I realized that I was a real jerk.

That isn't just Luciano's fault. It's his mom's fault, too, because she just rubbed him off and hardened him instead of helping him work through it. Doesn't Luciano see that? And if he doesn't, why not? You could write him blinded with emotion as he watches this, the guilt coming down on him so hard that he can't think of it being anyone else's fault but his own. But if you want to convince the reader of that, flesh out this scene a bit more. Make it so we can feel the emotion. Don't be afraid to write emotions slowly. You'll have to show them more in-depth if we are going to be convinced of Luciano's all-encompassing guilt.

He grabbed my chin and held tied a rope to my throat’’ Listen, everything that you just experienced was me...haha, you weren't at school! You weren't at the church, but one thing is correct, Isabelle, Lucas, and Xavier are still dead .’’

How is everything he experienced Oliver? Was it a drug? Some sort of virtual reality thing? Actual magic? Please tell us, otherwise it just makes Luciano look even more crazy as a person.

Alright, then. As I read more in depth, I have to admit I got more engaged in the story. But stories should read easily, and because of your writing, which is clustered and cluttered and makes me claustrophobic, I don't feel the emotions that I should. I think that I like this story. It's neat and certainly interesting. But I think you could brush up a bit on your writing. If you need any help with rewriting, I wouldn't mind helping at all.

One more question: why "What an Imagination?" Why that phrase? What does it mean in this story. And also, one really last question: why did Oliver actually kill Lucas, Xavier and Isabelle? What would he have to gain by that?

I think this story definitely has potential. And there's so much room to grow! If I sounded rude, or petty, or irritated, or snarky, please, I'm sorry. It was not my intention at all. Really. And if you want, you don't have to change a thing. :D




AlanaT620 says...


I agree with everything you said. I do not blame you for your honesty, I haven't picked up a book in a while so I suppose the organization was not good enough. I do believe that I did not add enough context for each character. I will work on that. It makes sense, I wouldn't want to be a reader and not understand what I am even reading. Thank you for your reply! I will fix this, and work hard on future products. Thank you.



AlanaT620 says...


I realized that Bill Murray is a real person...I am so uncultured. I just made him up... Also S.O.L. means shit outta luck. Bill was president. The reason why Oliver reacted the way about Kadence telling the teacher about Oliver was that Luciano felt bad and Oliver would not forgive him. I also find that some of the stuff I wrote, like the cupcakes, was quite immature. I also meant to say quiet not quite, dang autocorrect. Me describing Kadence was VERY stereotypical. I also didn't dig deep enough into why Kadence went to that school, I guess I just didn't think about it. In the part about pollution I did not research so that's probably why it sounds so fake and not realistic. I didn't make his worries were equivalent to the situation either. As I read It over again I realize that I didn't base any of my statements off of time or realism. Which I was kind of reaching for. On the part about the putt, I meant the car... A little putt-putt. I also didn't put any context into that detail of the possession which I found out was very important, especially for the reader. I suppose I didn't think about the home he was in... That's something to work on. Yes, this was a form of a drug overdose, well I guess you could say that Oliver drugged him.. I don't know, I again didn't think about that. I should've added a deeper context. I made this reply as real as possible. I will work harder on future projects. Again, Thank you.



Lia5Giba says...


Please, I'm sorry if I was harsh or rude in any way. I truly did not mean to be. And thank you for answering my questions, really. Thank you for telling me what SOL and putt-putt cars are... I too, am uncultured. (Quite frankly, I didn't realize that Bill Murray was a real person either before I looked him up, because his name sounded familiar. You and are in the same boat.) I don't mind Kadence being stereotypical, by the way. Besides, later in the story she shows she is capable of compassion by taking the bodies to a church. I know that didn't actually happen, but still.

I liked this story once I got into it. It was intriguing. Everyone going missing? A boy possessed and ruthless? And Oliver remains a mystery throughout it all... until at the end, and you realize why. It's really an interesting story, what vengeance can do to people. It almost shows what a world we will live in in the future, when this takes place.

Thank you for this story, I guess I'm saying. Thanks. :D



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KahleneTenorio says...



I love this story! I mean its a little gory, overall this story is a killer! Not to sound rude or anything this is just a recommendation, your story has some mistakes in it. For instance, in paragraph 69 you had written, ’’I’m so sorry I said choking.’’Well, too bad.’’ He chuckled not even thinking about what he's just done." I had some trouble understanding this sentence, after a couple of readings I understood who was talking. This is a common mistake all writers make, all of the quotations, commas, and grammar is a real annoyance, especially to me! I recommend you re-reading your story before posting, you should use a website called Grammarly, https://app.grammarly.com/. This website is a real help, it fixes your grammar hence the name. I hope you use my evidence and continue posting! Have a great day!




AlanaT620 says...


Okay so in paragraph 69, the phrase,(%u2019%u2019 I%u2019m so sorry" I said choking.%u2019%u2019 Well, too bad.%u2019%u2019 He chuckled not even thinking about what he's just done. I couldn't breathe anymore). I did not make it clear enough, but I meant to make it out as Luciano is talking, he is saying, I'm sorry, and then the "silhouette" who is Oliver, says that pretty much he is not sorry. Thank you for your reply! :)




Sometimes poetry is inspired by the conversation entered into by reading other poems.
— John Barton