Young Writers Society

So beautiful yet so sad, I liked the flow and the rythm, I also think you should carry on with poetry, its obvious that you have a very big talent

Awww, this made me sad, particularly because I can relate to this poem.
You really have a way of making people feel.
I want to cry now, this was really great!!
I can't wait to read more of your poems!
X)

I loved how everything flowed together. I really liked this poem. I felt that I could relate to it. Good work

Absolutely love this, the emotion and content of this is easy to relate to!!!
Excellent work, Keep it up.

Dofs...

Hey!!

I really liked this!! It did flow very nicely together, and it was one bit choppy!! You also did a great job in expressing your feelings towards this!!

Kelsi =)

nice poem. very informative. i bet this is from experience. or not. in anyway i like it. i really do.

I think Suz just about hit my suggestions right on the head--it's not a bad poem, it's just a little generic, a little bland. I think if you polished it a little and worked with stronger verbs and nouns, this could be quite a nice piece.

Wow. This is really good.
It is very powerful.
I wish i had a better critique.
Sorry.

Alainna you are a wonderful poet ^^

I loves this, and it flows well 'n' all, with great emotion and depth to it. It made me feel a little sad though 'cause the girl hasn't got the guy. =[

Anyhoo, marvellous stuff deary.

=]

Ooh i really like this

I don't know anything about poems so i won't try and go all technical, but i can see that it's good

Wow this was brilliant.
It flows really nicely and you've really brought your emotions across. It was simple and I am sure something a lot of people can relate to.
I can't think of anything to say that anybody else hasn't said already so I will just say well done (:

~Ferris AKA Tara~

Hey! Loved the poem, I think it's good and you could try more poetry in the future. [if you do, let me know because I'd love to read it!]

I'd say either go with Gadi's punctuation suggestions, or here's another option:

What hurts is that you’d hold her,
The same way you held me.
That you’d whisper in her ear,
Make her giggle,
The same way you did to me.
What kills is that you’d touch her,
The same way you touched me.
That you’d stroke her body,
Caress her,
The same way you did to me.
What aches is that you’d complete her,
The same way you completed me.
Look after her,
Be there for her,
The same way you were for me.

I did like this--it had more emotion than most poems I see. But I also had some issues with it. "hurt", "kill", "ache" they're all very general, vague words--and word choice is important. If you used better words, or even went into metaphors (when I see you holding her I feel like you've stabbed me with a dull knife) or something, it would make the reader feel with you even more.

Another thing I didn't like is the repetition of the poem. It works, because it brings emphasis, but then it doesn't, because the lines you repeat are so generic and they're repeated in such a short length of space. Although, I think your punctuation was iffy in some places.

But, really, it was nice. ^_~

Nathan wrote:Unlike the others, I really liked how short the "caress her" line was. I thought it showed symbolism, like you were tired of explaining this and just needed to stop and take a breath to stop from crying or passing out there, or something along the lines of showing emotions more physically.

Wow. I loved this poem. You did an amazing job of expresing your feelings. I love poetry, and I know how hard it can be to get the reader to feel like they can relate, but you did an excellent job of this. I think this poem conveyed a lot of emotion, and that's what you want to happen. All in all, it flowed nicely and wasn't choppy. This was great! I can't wait to read more.

--Emma--

I really loved this poem. I'm really interested in emo, gothic, depressing, romantic, and other types of poetry that hit you right "there" and just make you think.

Unlike the others, I really liked how short the "caress her" line was. I thought it showed symbolism, like you were tired of explaining this and just needed to stop and take a breath to stop from crying or passing out there, or something along the lines of showing emotions more physically.

It's great! I will, however, make a few suggestions:

What hurts is that you’d hold her,
The same way you held me;
That you’d whisper in her ear,
Make her giggle with your deep voice,
The same way you did to me;
What kills is that you’d touch her,
The same way you touched me;
That you’d stroke her body,
Caress her, soft on pink skin,
The same way you did to me;
What aches is that you’d complete her,
The same way you completed me;
Look after her,
Be there for her,
The same way you were for me.

I really like this. Wouldn't know what to crit on cuz I know zip about poetry, but it flowed well.

I enjoyed it a lot. It was good, needs a little work, but good. Try working on the syllables a little

"Caress her,"

But otherwise it's good.

sweet deal! although this isn't my kind of style, i still liked it alot! sweet! =)

I never write poems, in fact I avoid them, however I was feeling very emotional at the time when I wrote this.

I really liked this poem! I loved how it flowed and how you described the emotions it was great! good job!

Thank you for everyone's replies and comments. I never write poems, in fact I avoid them, however I was feeling very emotional at the time when I wrote this.

Thank you for the changes Kitty15. I'm not sure if I will incorporate them or not, however they are very helpful.

Alainna
xxxxxxx

There are certain areas I'd rephrase but it's a really good poem. In fact, I'll just make a few changes and then you can use them if you want or ignore them...

What hurts is that you’d hold her,
The same way you held me,
That you’d whisper in her ear,
Make her giggle with your words,
The same way you spoke to me,
What kills is that you’d touch her,
The same way you touched me,
That you’d stroke her body,
Caress her, kiss her hair,
The same way you kissed me,
What aches is that you’d complete her,
The same way you completed me,
Look after her, be there for her,
The same way you were for me.

i like it. alot! it's hard to find this kind of "struggle in love" poem in these forums. its basic, straight to the point and heartfelt. i can totally relate and it still flows nicely like a hymn. great job.

xjess

This was a good poem. The only issue would be all the commas but other than that it is very good. It has raw emotion and people can relate to it. Good job!

I think its a very good poem and don't have any
suggestions on how to make it better. It's good as it is. nice work!

I really like it.
It flows very nicely, and i like how it has a pattern of repeating "The same way you ____ me"

"Make her giggle" and "Caress her" seem sort of short to me. Maybe you could add on to make it a few more syllables. That's my only suggestion, and i think it's fine without that as well.

=)