Prologue
To the dear queen,
The views between the mountains are beautiful and that is where I currently reside. I am a traveler from the South, I live quite far away from the main city of your country, but if you are willing to see me, I will go to you. While you, as royalty runs in your blood, you live in the middle of the city. The rings that settle in between your fingers are lined with gold. The garments you behold yourself in are made of rich silk and velvet and vibrant colors of the sky. The men in the country you rule want to be betrothed to you in marriage, that of the reason of the sophisticated grace and beauty you process. With your intellect and charm, you can prevail over people at your feet. Power sits on the palm of your hand that the women of your country wish to have.
I say this, hence because I crave a boon from you. I am a man of my word, and surely you are a woman of yours. I beseech you to make me your servant. My father is at death’s door and I wish to earn a few coins for him to eat well and die with peace on his side. If you do accept my favor, I thank you for your generosity and I will leave the mountains for your castle. However, if you do not accept my favor, I will remain a nomad, wandering around different places until I earn for my father.
Respectfully your peasant,
James Barlowe
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the horrid S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - James is writing to the Queen because he wants to work for her. By working for her, he hopes to get enough coins to get proper treatment for his sick father. The question of if she’ll take him in still remains.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how in the beginning James is admiring the Queen before going into why he wants to work with her, it kind of gives off an energy like he’ll know that she’ll want him more if he compliments her and it’ll help him to save his father. I also like how he signed it, as “your peasant”. Yes, it’s true that he is her peasant, but it almost feels romantic in the way that he wrote it.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, I enjoyed reading this teaser and I cannot wait to see more of James’ journey. I do hope that the Queen takes him in, but if not, then he might be able to find help elsewhere. I’ll keep an eye out for updates and…
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^
Hello @AkuRashomon Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
I really like this little prologue of yours! It's a little on the shorter side but it instantly intrigues me. The letter formant is unusual and it definitely adds great character to this piece of yours. The ask of a boon instantly opens up so many, many possibilities - it ignites the brain of the reader to so many different scenarios which makes this so very effective.
Maybe he's a spy? A sage? A mage? A person seeking vengeance? A member of some secret society trying to protect the Queen? A member of some secret society trying to kill the Queen? A crook? A criminal? A long lost family member? A charlatan? The possibilities are endless.
Since his father is also involved it really opens up so many other avenues as well, relating to legacy and such. Maybe he is what he says.....
Under the magnifying glass
The only suggestion I have is to try and incorporate more detail in this letter, not directly but within the praise itself, maybe something like -
Try to incorporate some worldbuilding into your Prologue which can help avoid info dumping and help make your prologue that much more intriguing and interesting.
Closing the case
Overall I liked this impactful little piece of yours, I'd love to see works of yours that build-up on this!
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @khushi17bansal.Until next time!!
—Miss Marple, “A Murder Most Deadly,” by Agatha Christie
I really like it!