Chapter - 1 ( Teen Life)

Dear Akshata7,
I can see you are new here. You really have good imagination but the thing is that you need to refine the way you put your thought on paper. A love story, generally, is difficult to start and you made it more difficult for yourself. You need to hook the emotions of the readers to the emotions of the protagonists right from the start. There were quite a number of mistakes in your sentences. Don't worry! Practice makes you perfect. I will help you out in a few places so that you don't repeat those errors.
1. With ease and with no tension is almost the same thing. Your second sentence is not a sentence at all. So, you can put those two lines as
"(name of girl) was a carefree girl of ninth grade, who had only focused on studies and sports till now."
2. Try not to start sentences with the words 'and' or 'but'. Also, your third sentence does not fit in. Omit that sentence as you are mentioning that in your next sentence again.
3. The line, " Getting full marks....." has a structural error. Instead, you can frame it as
"Getting full marks remained her passion but she never knew that her life would one day take a turn."
4. Change paragraph here.
5. Spilt this sentence apart. "Working on a group project, she met a boy named so and so. He was a complete stranger at first."
6. Give details about what she felt about the boy in a few more sentences. As someone below already said SHOW US instead of TELLING US. Use more polished words.
7. "But she never knew...." can be reframed as, " Little did she know that this boy would turn her world upside down." This is more polished sentence without being repetitive.
8. I will reframe the next few sentences for you. Just find out your mistakes on your own.
"She was a girl who never knew love or romance. She never had a boyfriend. No, not even a crush. One one fine day, this boy suddenly comes out says the three magical words! She is sunned! This was unexpected from her side. She didn't know what to reply. She was confused."
9. Tell us why the friends made her reject the boy... Something like they were jealous or so.
10. The last sentence is grammatically perfect but as someone had already mentioned it is reducing the climax factor.

I know I've been a bit strict with you. I am not an English teacher to correct your homework but be careful to read and reread your work. Nobody is perfect. Even I make mistakes. It easier to overlook our own mistakes. Never mind! I know you have an ability to achieve.

Just keep practicing language skills and vocabulary.
Your imagination is awesome!!!
Keep writing! Happy writing!
Waiting for the rest of the story!
All the best!!!!

Akshata7, I'm new to writing too. So, I wonder if I'm really qualified to review your work or help you in any way. Still, here goes:

This is a beautiful beginning! Do keep at it. All of us have gone through this phase of life. So, everyone will experience your story vividly.

I'd probably write a skeleton of the full story first. Then flesh it out.

Little descriptions about the surroundings and the characters would get the audience interested.

For instance, give a name to the school and describe it. Give names to the characters, what sort of families do they have?

Describe the emotions of the characters a little more. What made the boy do this? Was he confused? Did the girl feel shocked? Did she feel scared?

Hello there!
First of all, I am sorry that this may be a very short and not that helpful review for you and your story. I see this is only the beginning of the story so I think I can expect to see more of it soon as well. This first part was kind of short so I can not really say so much about it.
I understand it is a teen romance between a girl and a boy and only their meeting is described in this part. I would like to see this story continuing and showing the readers more about her life and maybe later, his life, also. For me at least, it needs more details. Maybe the moment when they met could be it. Maybe her looks or his. You can add many simple things as description which may change your story to something even more interesting and challenging.
I think the tittle is suitable for the story of yours.
You have no grammatical or punctuational mistakes which is really a big plus point for your story. I think if you add a bit here and there you can fill this story with interesting moments.
I wish you luck and also, now I see that you are new. Sorry that I did not notice that. I am not the best person to be asked for help but if you need something, ask me about it. I hope you continue this story.

Keep on writing and welcome to YWS!

Hi Akshata!
Thank you for writing! Your story has a strong potential; a life-changing day at school is a good formula for many writings, from YA to anime/manga. However, I think that your sentences could use more context and structure.

1. "Spending her time with ease, with no tension she started her ninth grade," can be better phrased as,
"She started the ninth grade without tension."
This would also be a good jumping-off point to talk about your protagonist and setting. You might say something about her supportive small town, or the outlet she finds in the bustling city. Maybe she is used to the tranquility of the library, thrilled by an active athletic life. Does she feel accomplished, complacent, or something different? Is she without tension because she feels supported by her family, secure in her skills, or comforted by her friends?

2. Phrases like, "a girl who has focused only on studies and sports till now," are incomplete sentences, and they should be used sparingly.

Please keep writing!

Best Wishes,
Kat

Hello there! ^^ Welcoms to YWS ~

I'll just jump into the review by saying that I agree a lot with the points the review below me has made. This does feel very vague and generalized and there isn't much of a hook or reason for me to keep reading. I mean, we don't have any connection to the main character and we don't even know her name!

My first suggestion to you is to try to flesh out things a little more. Show, not tell, in a sense. Instead of telling us that she's starting ninth grade with no stress, show us her casual demeanor, how she might saunter through the school as if she's been there her entire life. Show us these emotions through the character's thoughts and actions -- it's a lot more meaningful and impactful to us that way.

And again, don't just tell us that she meets this guy. Don't just tell us that he says he loves her. Show us these moments by describing the scene. Describe how her heart flutters when she first meets him. How do their first interactions go? How does thier relationship develop? Why does she say no to him? How does the scene play out? It just need a lot more details and development to really work.

As of now, it's too general.

Another thing that I advise strongly against is the obvious foreshadowing. For instance, the very last line of this. "... destiny had something else planned for her." Quite frankly, it just ruins the suspense more than it builds it up. Don't set us up to know about a twist, just throw us right into it and watch our reaction.

One final thing is that some of the sentences are worded really strangely. For instance, I don't understand the first sentence at all. As well, there are quite a few sentences fragments that are on their own and don't quite fit with another part. I recommend trying to go through and polish that up so it has a better flow.

Now I can understand this is difficult and a lot to take in, so if you would like further assistance or just a better explanation, please let me know! I'd be happy to help ^^

Happy writing,
~ Wolfe

Hey, Akshata! This is a very good try for your first work.

Your plot may have been used before but is realistic and a common experience for young girls which readers can relate to so thumbs up there.

The thing is that this feels more like an introduction to the story rather than a first chapter. In my opinion, your first chapter should have been a tad longer. It would have given your reader a better feel of the characters in your story which right now is very vague.

Also, if the setting had been described it would also make your story/chapter interesting because right now we just know it is set in a high school. You could use dialogues to indicate conversation instead of putting it in indirect speech so that the readers would understand the relationship between characters and their nature better. You could also make this story a lot better by using figurative language instead of putting it all literally to make it more interesting.

Another thing I felt needed work is the way the emotions of the main character was portrayed. Its a teenage girl with drama in her life- there's bound to be emotions all over the place so it would be nice if it all is expressed well.

I know you just started and I look forward to reading the rest of your story as you had the suspense factor towards the end. A good job done and welcome to YWS!

- Anshira.