Do you like it when he screams?
Does it make you love him more?
In the morning, how calm he seems . . .
He’s stuck in the night before.
He has band-aids at the ready.
Friends say he’s a clumsy kid.
He doesn’t talk about his daddy;
Only lies about what he did.
He finds refuge in his pillow;
He pulls his legs up to his chest.
He tries to imagine tomorrow
Without bruises or distress.
Do you like it when he cries?
Do his eyes look like his mother’s?
In the morning, he won’t ask why . . .
He tidies the house up for his father.
He has smiles at the ready,
Even though his jaw aches.
His legs are weak, but he walks steady;
No one hears the tiny heart break.
He finds refuge in the new day;
One step closer to Heaven.
His dreams whisk him away
Where it’s beautiful to be broken.
This won’t last for long;
The clouds are moving on.
He won’t take a punch this time . . .
He knows where to draw his line.
. . .”Do you like it when I scream?
Will it make her see any different?
If I cry, do my eyes seem
Less like hers, less potent?
“One day, your throat will dry
With the sandpaper in your lungs.
Abrasive words may get you high,
But they’ll burn up your tongue.
“We left you roses; you left us scars.
You called them hand-made violets.
I won’t be the way you are;
Just watch me bury the hatchet.
I know I have my patient star,
And I have my time to reach it.
It’ll turn your violets white;
You won’t paint my skin with spite.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey y AkiKerosin!
I'm breathless. Truly astonishing! I loved this poem. You've truly captured the terror of the child and the situation they are put into and transcribed them into words. May I say, congratulations *tips hat*. Everything was truly immaculately written. i loved how the rhyming wasn't forced which is often seen in most poems but it was nice and gentle. Your words were excellently chosen and it had a fantastic flow to it. This poem is amazing and should not be tampered with. Love it. Simply extraordinary! Keep up the good work!
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Hi, Aki,
Kudos to you on writing an emotional poem based on a touchy topic. I have to say that you did a fair job in terms of what you covered here, but I think that there's room for improvement.
Even though you have a reasonable basis in rhyme with this poem, I feel that the rhyme is killing the emotional drive that lies with this poem. For instance, in the first stanza:
The two first lines are good. The last two, specifically the third line in this stanza, is stretching its toes to fit into the poem. The language isn't uniform to the poem or the stanza, and I don't think you should have to have your poem do acrobatics in order for the rhyme to work, dear.
Another thing I noticed was, throughout this poem you have a few lines that seem rather... unnecessary. Think of the lines in your poem as crucial space for decision: your reader's interest has an expiration limit, so try to hold interest for as long as possible, dear. The more "extra" things you have in it that don't support, or that aren't completely necessary can easily turn your audience's interest away.
I enjoyed the ending parts, specifically this:
As I mentioned earlier, I think the concept is decent, and I think you have oodles of potential here. Revise this, and read it aloud to check for flaws. I think you can go long ways with this.
Keep writing,
June
This was purely wonderful. Your rhyme scheme and flow were immaculate, your punctuation was flawless. I tried and I tried to find a mistake, but not one was evident. The thing that impressed me most was that, when the boy was speaking and his words stretched over multiple stanzas, you used the quotation marks correctly. Excellent, excellent, excellent job!
Hey AkiKerosin!
You have taken a horrific topic and created a wonderful poem. It's a terrible situation the child is in and I think you've captured the terror through your poem.
Most poems have one weak stanza somewhere, but I think with each stanza is equally strong.
Keep up the good work!!
-SodapopLunchbox