z

Young Writers Society



Modern World

by Akdayday


The world today is much more powerful and scientific than Romeo an Juliet would have expected. The government seems strong and difficult to manage; while, keeping information distant from us citizens.

Even-though the United States current government is secretive at least we don't hang witches anymore. Getting your hand chopped off for stealing is harsh and cruel. The treat of our government taking our firearms away during Martial Law or taking freedoms away with Information Acts is disturbing to many Americans.

Americans have always feared a strong central government. Amendment can completely change the constitution for better or worse. In the past in a monarchy with Kings and Queens people were killed for not paying their taxes. Different religion had/ have different values or rules to live by. With an "honorable death" a girl may date someone outside her Muslim belief and get killed by her family for not dating someone within her religion. The United Nations will not charge families for Honorable deaths and this International Law makes killing legal.

Romeo and Juliet from William Shakespeare's play would have had the same problems. A hundred years from now Romeo and Juliet will be in someones English class in their modern world.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
411 Reviews

Points: 42428
Reviews: 411

Donate
Thu Jan 28, 2010 7:30 pm
BenFranks wrote a review...



Hey there!

This writing is well-structured if you're nine years old.
The biggest problem I have with this is your naivity. This means you haven't really covered all arguments. You're making big assumptions. When writing seriously about these subjects you can easily become politically incorrect or heavily biast. For example, how's your history knowledge?

Also for your readers it's hard to follow because you're not truly explaining anything. There's no background, no explanation of context.

Mind you, you're only nice; so this is good.

Keep it up (+ nice use of punctuation)
Ben




User avatar
1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Donate
Thu Jan 28, 2010 2:08 am
Kale wrote a review...



Welcome to YWS. :D Though I may come across as mean in this review, I'm not trying to be; I'm actually trying to help you.

In addition to what JSPike mentioned, you also don't support any of your statements. Basically, you make claim after claim after claim with little or no connection between the claims and without any reasons for why you think that way. With as many potentially provoking statements as you have, you really need to explain why you feel the way you feel so that, even if people don't agree with you, they can see where you're coming from. Also, you need to make sure your ideas logically flow from each other. As-is, you jump all over the place, and it makes this hard to follow.

For example:

Even-though the United States current government is secretive at least we don't hang witches anymore. Getting your hand chopped off for stealing is harsh and cruel.

How does hanging witches relate to thieves' hands being chopped off? Why is this important?

Also, I agree that this would have been better posted in Essays.

I did like how you tied the beginning and end together with the mention of Romeo and Juliet.




User avatar
29 Reviews

Points: 5037
Reviews: 29

Donate
Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:00 pm
JSPike wrote a review...



Hey, welcome to YWS!

Just for heads up, it's always good to run the spell checker before posting, and to go over it a couple of times yourself. For instance:

scientific than Romeo an Juliet
#FF0000 ">-- Romeo AND Juliet

Even-though
#FF0000 ">-- Not sure about this, I've never seen the words joined liked this. There isn't any grammatical point in it. Just keep them separate.

The treat of our government taking our firearms away during Martial Law or taking freedoms away with Information Acts is disturbing to many Americans.
#FF0000 ">-- This doesn't really make sense (the whole sentence). Also, I don't really know what you meant, but I don't think "treat" is the right word?

Anyway, now that's over.

On a a contextual note: you have to be really careful with what you say these days. You make some possibly very provoking statements in here. Just bear that in mind.

I also don't think this should have been posted in Other Fiction? Maybe Essays or something? There isn't any kind of story.

You also need to go over your sentence structure and the overall structure of the work. It's a bit rough in places.

I liked the idea of Romeo and Juliet at the end (I wondered where you were going with that.) imagine how strange it would be if one of us became famous (there are certainly people on here with the talent!) and were talked about in English classes. Unfortunately, we'd probably be dead by the time it happened!





To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics