There was once a theory on Old Earth to explain the ultimate galactic paradox. The contradiction between the amount of potential worlds for life to develop and the lack of communication from them. Optimistic estimates put it at hundreds of thousands of civilizations in our galaxy alone. Even fairly pessimistic ones assumed at least a few dozen.
That was many millennia ago. The large swarm of habitats encompassing the star which once started our story to the stars was all too eager to remind us of that. We had telescopes surveying the entire night sky, every patch, every planet. We saw all of it. We were the civilization. A sort of smug xenophobia had developed across the entirety of humankind as it turned out that all these 100 km wide telescope arrays picked up nothing. A smug xenophobia which most thought was justifiable – can’t be xenophobic if the xeno doesn’t exist.
It was at the 100 year anniversary of an incredibly important event, the largest convention in all of human history, about 12 billion attendees in a series of purpose-constructed habitats. Named the “Humanity Rising: 100 years onwards”. This event, of course, was the official announcement that civilization now had access to more energy than the entire Solar System produced. If only the ones who dreamed of such KII civilizations eons ago could see now. We had finally achieved complete and total Utopia.
The purpose-built habitats were constructed on the rim of the solar system, due to the more easily accessible resources in the form of comets around the area. It was roughly a few earth days into the celebrations, which were intended to last for a few months, when a series of high-priority shuttles left through the emergency bays. Of course, a few videos of this was caught. Given that people are people, about 15 hours later the data reached the inner solar system and panic ensued.
Speculation ran wild, why would the very president himself be leaving the celebrations which he had designed, the most influential figure in the entire Solar System taking a shuttle away from the “reward our species can collectively enjoy.” – The celebration habitats got swarmed with quite literally millions of leave requests per second. With only about 10 thousand shuttles in the docking bay, intending to have people leave and go over months and not hours, the entire habitats transport shut down. The 11 billion who did not manage to escape to the nearby habitats a few hundred thousand km away in the first couple days were completely stranded.
The following days were rampant, several fusion bomb terror attacks, including ones on the celebration habitats, a disaster where a starlifting site was nearly impacted with enough antimatter to torch the surface of a planet. What had been called the “Humanity Rising” celebration resulted in quite the opposite of its name. Nobody, of course, knew what the president left for. It could have been something as mundane as a simple sickness, some said. Those who said that were immediately rebutted with the idea of sickness absolutely absurd for someone of so high status, as even poor could afford nanites. Conspiracy theories suggesting an alien contact, though telescopes picked up nothing. The idea that potentially the President knew that there was about to be an attack on the site, although most people believed that the terror attack was an effect of this, not the cause.
Of course, the upper governmental figures knew. They knew that they had a choice – A lose-potentially lose scenario. Unfortunately the potentially lose scenario was much worse than the lose scenario if it were to go south. They knew that the entirety of civilization hang on one group of people. 120 people in the confederation parliament deciding the fate of the world, with a confidentiality clause so strict that each of them were forced to wear observation droids until further notice.
They had made a decision, across every habitat, every city, every surface of a world and every station above one. To all of humanity at a single moment, a single point, a single wakeup call. Holographic displays appearing in front of everyone. With a single message:
“High-Priority – ET Message Discovered:
THEY KNOW YOU'RE THERE”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi there!
So...I read all the other comments, but I have to say, I like the cliffhanger ending as the end to a short story. It's the kind of way The Lottery (Shirley Jackson) ends. I won't ruin that for you, in case you haven't read it and would like to, but it doesn't go on to explicitly state what happens or to say how things end. It just lets you see a glimpse of what will happen, which is what you do here with the final message at the end of the story. So I liked that as the end of a short story, actually.
I do think the world-building could be more subtle, although I realize that with a sci-fi there's a lot more world-building to do. In The Lottery, Shirley Jackson can just paint a picture of the town as the inhabitants gather for the lottery, but she has the advantage of using a realistic setting - most of us have at least some idea of what a small rural town is like. Whereas in your case, you've got off-Earth colonies, perhaps a New Earth, space shuttles, all sorts of things that don't currently exist and therefore have to be built up somewhat.
That said, I think if you could focus your world-building efforts around the celebration, the panic, and the frightening and cryptic message at the end of the story, the whole thing would be better for it. In a short story, even a sci-fi, we don't need all the world-building we would need if we were going to spend a long time with the world in question. I don't think you need to tell us all about how Humanity Rising came about, why it was a cause for celebration, etc. You could also spend less time on the fact that humanity considers itself the only life anywhere, although we should still get a little of that so we understand the significance of the ending.
I wish I had a sci-fi short story to point you toward as an example, but unfortunately all the short stories I've read (as far as I can recall) tend toward the realistic-but-dramatic-and-creepy. The Lottery's a good one, but for your purposes, if I read a sci-fi story that does what I think you're trying to do (only with a different plot line), I'll send it your way!
Thanks for all the constructive criticism guys. I'm not very experienced in writing very narrative-based stories and have tended more towards worldbuilding in general, so the ideas on cutting down alot of the exposition have been very helpful.
I also realize that this ended on a cliffhanger, but I can't for the life of me figure out how I could potentially continue it after that point.
Thanks for the criticism, and I'll do my best to improve my writing by applying it.
The way that this is written, I see it as a prologue, so I think the cliffhanger is perfectly fine if this is going into a full story.
I think the main thing that people were pointing out was that there is just so much information in here, without a whole lot of story. Suggestion: maybe split this section up into at least an intro and a "chapter one" or a part one (or more!), adding to the story.
If you don't intend to turn this into a full story, you might consider adding some story to it, so that it all leads up to the ET message. So like a few paragraphs, then the ending lines with the ET message, then backstory. Not entirely sure how to suggest to go about that though.
If you rewrite it or make changes, feel free to let me know and I'll come check it out!
Hello, AgonAub, PastelSlushie here for review 25 for #RevMo ! Let's get right into it! Also, a day late welcome to YWS! It's great to see you've already posted something.
Issues/Nitpicks) This has a WHOLE basketful of detail here. In fact, maybe even too much. As @ajruby12 said, the amount of detail you gave here reminds me of a news reporter who knows WAY too much on what he's reporting. My suggestion would be to take away some paragraphs to keep the storyline vaguer. This did bore me a little because everything I would need to know was sort of handed to me, and it didn't let my brain fill in gaps where some information was gone for the reader to come up with themselves. Detail is okay, but too much can become boring, and this isn't much of an example.
Good Stuff) Other than that, wooo! That was VERY dramatic and suspenseful. You weren't lying when you said this feel under the dramatic category. It really reminds me of a summary of a novel almost, or maybe a prologue. Pretty hard to choose once you think about it, huh? I also like the science fiction route you took with this, and although I'm not a huge fan of science fiction, I liked the route this took with it. It really brings off a Historical Fantasy vibe, even though that's not a real genre - oh how I wish it was though!
Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces,
Pastel
Hey, AJ here!
Wow, this is a cool story concept. I agree with @Kays; this is a whole lot of info, especially if this is going to be a short story. But, that being said, I'm fascinated by this.
Let's dive into a few comments...
- This seems like a prologue to a greater story to me. That's how it read. You gave so much of the story away in these paragraphs that it's pretty confusing. I would suggest cutting out paragraphs 4-7 (approx) and leaving the story line much more vague. So like "We had finally achieved complete and total Utopia. But then stuff happened" and follow that with a few more general sentences that lead up to the receiving of a mysterious message, so that the reader gets the context and suspense, but not so that their heads are reeling.
- On that note, all the events here are, again, seemingly pointing towards a greater story. The reader's brain will hurt trying to process this info. Be sure to have airs of mystery and some tasteful holes in the reader's view of the story. It may take some work, but I'm sure you can do it!
- "Given that people are people, about 15 hours later the data reached the inner solar system and panic ensued." #relatable xD
- Overall, I think this story has an amazing amount of potential. But on the other hand, it also has a lot of potential to be confusing. Be cautious of that. Try not to make the reader work too hard in order to understand the world that you've created, otherwise it will push them away.
I know this seems like a lot of negatives, but I honestly like this story concept! Sci fi has increasingly been grabbing my attention over the last year, so stories like this interest me. Please don't get discouraged. As writers, we try to be honest with each other and provide helpful tips and suggestions. I hope to see more of this in the future!
Keep on writing, and happy RevMo!
-AJ
Hi there AgonHub. I thought I'd go ahead and delve in for a review on this early Tuesday morning because I have thoughts to share about this. With that being said, let's begin.
You weren't kidding when you labelled this Dramatic. Maybe that should be the main label instead of Science Fiction because that's the main genre that I receive from this. The opening paragraphs are an information dump and I almost can't believe that this is the start of this short story and not the lore book that goes along with reading the short story in case you're confused (I don't think those even exist because other people have trust in their readers to understand what's going on and don't have to hand-hold them the whole way through). I understand that the world is a little complex and may not be told the quickest in any other way but info-dumping this information onto the reader at the beginning of the story is the least likable way to...start a story.
That being said, we begin by talking about this theory came up on Old Earth (which in itself suggests that this is New Earth and is a tiny detail that can show a lot of information if you wanted it to, but nope). Is this theory plausible? Who came up with the theory? When millennia ago? Thanks for walking me through your universe like I'm a child at a Disney World exhibit. This isn't the way to start a story, I'm sorry to tell you.
The end of this...first part? Are there more parts to this? That wasn't made clear. Is a cliffhanger that says "Hey! Don't leave now because there might be redeemable traits or qualities in the next part!" and I'm like "Okay!" and I'm confused because there isn't a single thread of plot or main character in this short story. There's not even dialogue which makes my mind believe that this is more of a narrative than anything else. Is that the intended outcome? Is the intended outcome for the reader to be unfortunately not hooked in because this is all one large boring history lesson and not a short story? That's what I believe as of now anyway.
I want to see this have a plot. I want to see this hook others in because the world does seem interesting--if the world and worldbuilding were done in a way that isn't info-dumping all into this one part without room for anything else. Give us more than that. Don't tell us, show us. There are instances where showing and telling are appropriate, yes? In this instance, telling all the way through isn't appropriate. Work on that. Make this stronger.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Thanks for sharing this interesting story.
I agree with all that's been suggested. My only other suggestion would be to try to get some dialogue in order to bring the reading closer to the scene. Maybe have it revolve around the president. Also, it wasn't quote clear to me who is sending the holographic message. Is it the president? To me this seems as if the Earth government would be creating an unnecessary panic and it goes contrary to how what we know bout governments. Instead of revealing such a thing they would try to hide it from us in order to prevent wholesale panic. The message seems only to provide a reason for panic. So I would somehow look for a way to make that final message more rationally convincing. That's my opinion.