Inside your head is
spring
infinite seeds roots shoots flowers bushes trees
up- upward to your sun
spring
But outside
your head is
not spring
only snow and
ice
lice
my lice
Open not your mouth
to let in this cold
remain silent
in your beauty green
untold
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey Againand! Dogs here. I really like this poem, it is simple and unique and I really like how you set up your lines in a different way. Way to be original! However i do have a couple nit picks. You have decided to take on one of the hardest poems to do. short poems are far harder then long poems because they have to be to the point while at the same time conveying a message and doing it in such a way that it sounds smooth. at some parts of this poem it gets really choppy in the lines.
"Infinite seeds roots shoots flowers bushes trees"
This line bugs me. Firstly it is too many syllables and it complete breaks the flow you had going. Furthermore it doesn't make much sense from a readers point of view, yes it is very imaginative words and writing but all togeather with no punctuation, i don't understand what image you are trying to put into my head. When you have confused the reader you are in a little bit of trouble lol.
Secondly what is the big idea you are trying to tell us? What is the hidden message in this other then she's warm on the inside and cold on the outside and how she should remain silent. Make a bigger picture for the reader which is the challenge you face in these short poems. Creating the big picture. This poem is missing some UMPH, put a little pizzaz in there "ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHIIINNNNEEEEEE" (Billy Elliot). Sorry bad musical analogies lol, I suggest you make this piece something more imaginitive, painting a picture into the readers head which can be hard to do sometimes but i think you are up to the challenge.
Well i think this poem has a lot of potential keep up the good work!!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Good! It was easy to follow, despite having no punctuation!
The first stanza was great, but one or two things in the next stanza:
Maybe try joining the first two lines, because I got confused. At first I read it as: "Your head is not spring", not "Outside your head it is not spring". Then the lice. Why suddenly lice? And who is the person being addressed and who is the narrator? I suggest losing the lice because it doesn't fit in and replacing it with something more relevant.
The last stanza was good, but:
The first line is not wrong, but it seems much too melodramatic to me. It is the word order that does it. I suggest saying "Do not open your mouth". It is much less striking, and seems to fit in with the poem better. But it is a matter of taste, of course. The "beauty" would make more sense as "beautiful", but if you want to keep it, I would suggest moving it to the last line. It would make more sense there.
All in all, it is a great poem, especially that first stanza, the contrast in the second and the last stanza wrapping it up. Great job!