I applied for a new passport today.
Took my photo at the booth.
Snap. Poker face.
I remember the last one: soft violet jumper
Plastic beads around the neck.
It is definitely me: the same worried face,
Misleading turned down mouth and big eyes
Veiling carefree, happy thoughts.
It is definitely me, but I don't know her
The years between us erase tears
And smiles, and passions.
I don't know what she is thinking.
I have to slouch now, to help the camera find my face.
This booth is too small.
I am too big.
With disgruntled whirrs and clunks
It spits out my new portrait: Crinkled brown top
Gold embroidery round the neck.
I picture another me, ten years on
Flying through a transient cloudscape
Lost in a world I cannot imagine.
I picture her looking at her passport, wondering...
What was she thinking?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi!
I liked this a lot! I thought the last paragraphs were the best but the beginning was a bit abrupt I agree. Well Great job anyway and keep up the work!
I liked it, but the beginning didn't flow as well as the rest of the piece.
Thanks for the time
I appreciate it, I'll work on it again with those suggestions.
Ahh...this piece could've been so much more. I think you could integrate ambiguity wonderfully here.
For instance, you out-right say 'It spits out my new portrait'. Instead, you could've left the line before it, and said
'instant reminiscence
enough, anyway, to remind myself
of the swelling [pride?]'
and let the reader interpret it.
Also, you say "This booth is too small.
I am too big. " and it's redundant.
Wonderful idea here, just work with it some more.
~Ed
This abrupt beginning, which suits the feeling of "snap. poker face" continues throughout the enterity of this poem. Nearly every line ends with a full stop. This, of course, is choice of style, but it clashes with the flow in, for example, stanza two, where the sentance structure is more varied and it makes for less room for this abrupt, full-stop style.
I'd suggest "Now, I have to slouch". Otherwise, "now" is tacked on to the end and it's awkward, a tag-along. Throwing it in the beginning is also more direct.
I loved the progression of this piece, there were very few, if any, unneeded images to clarify your theme. It flowed directly to the point.