Hi! I liked this a lot! I thought the last paragraphs were the best but the beginning was a bit abrupt I agree. Well Great job anyway and keep up the work!
z
I applied for a new passport today.
Took my photo at the booth.
Snap. Poker face.
I remember the last one: soft violet jumper
Plastic beads around the neck.
It is definitely me: the same worried face,
Misleading turned down mouth and big eyes
Veiling carefree, happy thoughts.
It is definitely me, but I don't know her
The years between us erase tears
And smiles, and passions.
I don't know what she is thinking.
I have to slouch now, to help the camera find my face.
This booth is too small.
I am too big.
With disgruntled whirrs and clunks
It spits out my new portrait: Crinkled brown top
Gold embroidery round the neck.
I picture another me, ten years on
Flying through a transient cloudscape
Lost in a world I cannot imagine.
I picture her looking at her passport, wondering...
What was she thinking?
Hi! I liked this a lot! I thought the last paragraphs were the best but the beginning was a bit abrupt I agree. Well Great job anyway and keep up the work!
Thanks for the time I appreciate it, I'll work on it again with those suggestions.
Ahh...this piece could've been so much more. I think you could integrate ambiguity wonderfully here.
For instance, you out-right say 'It spits out my new portrait'. Instead, you could've left the line before it, and said
'instant reminiscence
enough, anyway, to remind myself
of the swelling [pride?]'
and let the reader interpret it.
Also, you say "This booth is too small.
I am too big. " and it's redundant.
Wonderful idea here, just work with it some more.
~Ed
I applied for a new passport today.
Took my photo at the booth.
Snap. Poker face.
I have to slouch now,
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Reviews: 117
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