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I uploaded the first part of this story on this back in 2015, I was 16 at the time. I am now now 21 and I've just graduated from architecture school.
Today as i was cleaning out the drawers, i found my old dead laptop and decided to take out the hard drive to put it in my computer to see what was inside. On the desktop i found a note file with the username and password of my account on this site and 6 parts of this story that i had written. When I checked the account i saw that hadn't uploaded the other five parts and was ASHAMED.
This was the first and last thing I wrote not because someone asked me to or some times even worse, dictated to, but because I wanted to write it. I felt ashamed of being so afraid of getting what I wanted to out there for people to see because I was afraid to be critiqued, afraid that no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I am uploading parts two and three (and hopefully the rest , when remember how the points on the site worked), as i wrote them 5 years ago, as an apology to my past self.
I am sorry for letting you down, sorry for not doing what you wanted to do, for not even trying.
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The sound of the bell woke me up. I pulled my head up from the table, from the marks on face it was clear that I had been asleep for quite a long time. "Was all of it a dream" I whispered to myself. Could all of it just had been a terrible nightmare?
Students started pouring in. I tried to stand up but my feet didn't move. I looked down, my feet looked like they were the leftovers of a sheep that was devoured be a pack of wolves, and they felt like the wolves weren't still done with their meal.
I started to feel my heart beating in my chest, I didn't know what to make of this. A student walked up to me. "Are you alright Mr.S?" he asked. I tried to tell him to fetch a doctor but when I opened my mouth no words came out, just air. The panic alone was enough to render me unconscious.
As my vision started to get dark I heard the student say, "Aiden? Are you alright?" And I knew at that moment that this was the dream. This was the nightmare.
"Aiden!" he said again, his voice changing to more of a female voice.
The voice kept calling me, it started to blur out and as it did it became more feminine and just before it faded I started to recognize it. Then my vision returned to me. I noticed my surrounding had changed, I wasn't in the school anymore or the airplane, instead I was in a hospital. But at least I wasn't in pain anymore, but that was probably because the doctors here had given me some sort of anesthetic. Before I got the chance to even try to remember anything from before, the voice returned, but this time it had a source. The woman from the plane, she was standing by the door.
"Aiden! There you are. Get dressed. We need to go." she commanded.
Before I got the chance to protest, she grabbed my arm and with a force that seemed unusual for someone with her size, pulled me off the bed with no regard on whether or not I could walk. She shoved a pile of clothes in face and walked towards the door. She looked both ways, making sure no one was around then turned towards me.
"Take your time. It's not like we have anything more important to do." she said with a sarcastic voice.
I tried to ask her what was happening, where was I.
"Could you...." but before I could even finish the sentence she interrupted "Fine... I'll give you your privacy but make it quick."
And with that she left the room.
It took me awhile to get into my clothes but as soon as I did I left the room and started looking for the woman but she was nowhere to be found so I assumed that she headed for the exit so I turned towards the large lobby to my right and as soon as I arrived there I saw a nurse point at me. The two men she was talking to started walking towards me.
My instincts told me I should turn around and walk away and so I did. But I hadn't even taken my first step before one of the men yelled “You There! Outsider! Stop!"
I turned around, wondering what he meant by ‘outsider’. The two men were still walking towards me but before they reached me, I felt the woman on my shoulder again. She brought her mouth close to my ear and whispered "Now you had to go and get yourself in trouble."
With that she gave the two men an almost sinister smile and once again took my arm and slowly took a few steps back. With that the two guys started picking up the pace. Before they could reach us, she pulled my hand and started running, dragging me along. Thankfully the drugs still had their effects so I didn't feel much pain when running up the stairs. We ran, tackling nurses and doctors and patients. I started to lose my breath near the fourth floor but she didn’t show any signs of exhaustion. She dragged me along until we reached the fifth floor. Then she threw me in a room, slamming me against the window in the process. She stepped in and locked the door, then she handed me pair of thick gloves and told me to put them on.
She broke one of the windows with a nearby chair, causing the wind to rush in the room making it almost impossible to hear anything. She then took a few steps back. She looked me and yelled, “You see that power line?” Pointing to a thick bundle wires that ran down the building.
“Yeah… What about it?” I asked knowing I wouldn’t like the answer.
“Jump and grab it as tight as you can,” she replied, “And whatever you do, don’t look down!”
With that she prepared to jump but I interrupted her, asking “what as your name again?”
“I never told you my name!” she answered “Call me Eight!” And with that she jumped.
At first I hesitated to follow but the slamming on the door and the yelling didn’t left me any choice, so I took a few steps back, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and ran forward. I may have jumped a bit early since I almost missed the power line but I managed to reach forward and grab it. Ignoring the advice Eight gave me earlier I looked down and what I saw frightened me.
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Canary word: Present
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Hi, I am here to give a review.
The story is very confusing at the beginning but I also felt the suspense. The suspense of the story made me read until the end. So far, I love the story. It is beautifully written. I also love the ending and waiting for more chapters of the story.
Overall, I really enjoyed it and hope to read more.
Hey there! I saw this in the Green Room and decided to check it out
So many questions, but that's what I really like about this piece! It's definitely exhilarating, and I loved the ending! I really enjoyed reading this. I do realize this was written awhile ago, but I hope you don't mind me pointing out grammar stuff even if you know it now xD
Congrats on graduating from architecture school, that's really cool! I hope uploading these pieces will help bring you closure <3 I skimmed through the first part so I would get an idea of what's happening!
This story is really cool! It's confusing since the reader, or even the MC doesn't know what's going on, but that's what I like about it. Eight is a very mysterious woman who seemed to come out of nowhere. And I wonder why the MC was getting chased. And what did he see in the end??
This is a run-on sentence which you can easily fix by replacing the comma with a period, semicolon, or adding conjunction after it. You also might want to add "my" before "face."
You probably need some end quote punctuation, like a question mark.
Ooh, this is a cool and unique description! "I looked down" is one sentence, and the rest is another, so this is a run-on. You can easily fix this by replacing the comma after "down" with a period or a semicolon. Also, I believe you meant "by a pack of wolves" not "be a pack of wolves"
Spoiler
This is also a run-on and need some commas, and I'll just give you a way to rewrite it! "The voice kept calling me. It started to blur out, and as it did, it became more feminine, and just before it faded, I started to recognize it.
This is a run-on
The period at the end of the quote should be replaced with a comma. You do this in several other places, but hopefully this example can help you find them! But this woman is very mysterious!
You probably want to add "my" before "face"
This is a really long sentence cx I'll give you one way to break this down!
"It took me awhile to get into my clothes, but as soon as I did, I left the room and started looking for the woman. She was nowhere to be found, so I assumed that she headed for the exit. I turned towards the large lobby to my right, and as soon as I arrived there, I saw a nurse point at me."
Ooh, what's going on? You don't need to capitalize "there"
The period should be in the quotes.
xD you need a comma after "whispered" before the quote
This must be quite the scene xD
This is a run-on
Woah, this is accelerating! The last sentence I included isn't a sentence by itself. AlSo, in this section, you started three sentences in a row with "she" so I think it would help to vary your sentence structure
"left" should be "leave
I love your ending! This is surely going to attract readers to the next part in this series. Ahh, I wonder what he saw...
And that's it! Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. It's mysterious and has some cool action, and I'm excited to see what happens next. I hope this helped!