My head hurt as if someone put a metal rod in my head and melted it, felt as if the arteries in my head were going to explode. I didn't know where I was, the last I remember I was in school, teaching my class, and now here. My hands started to shake, my breathing became heavy and I could feel every heart beat as if it was ramming the inside of chest. It took a few moments for me to organize my thoughts, once I did I realized where I was. I was in an airplane.
"You want another Hon?" said the flight attendant pointing to an empty soda can next to my laptop.
"No I'm good"
I didn't want to make scene and I didn't want to act strange by asking where was the destination, so I tried to calm myself down, once I did, I started to get some ideas about finding out where I was headed. I started messing with the monitor in front of me, and although it was difficult because of the hand tremors I managed to figure out the destination. I was headed to Stockholm. But why?
I turned my attention to my laptop. Apparently I was checking my E-mail, I thought maybe they would shed some light on what happened to me.
The first was from the administration of the school I worked at. Apparently I missed ten days of work. Ten days! I must've jumped up in my seat since the guy sitting next to me put his hand on my shoulder asking, “You scared of a little turbulence?” with a thick Russian accent.
I had been so distraught that I didn’t notice the storm cloud we were passing through.
“Wha… What?... No," I replied.
"Are you sure Aiden? You look agitated."
This stranger knew me. He called me by my name... A name I had changed 8 years ago... A name that no one knew, and yet...
“Just a little tired that's all," I reassured him.
"I get it... We all are a bit on edge." he said "if we didn't, there’d be something wrong with us now wouldn't it?" and with that he smiled and stood up.
He put his hand on my shoulder and said "it's almost time. Get up."
I don't know why but I felt like I should do as he said. As I stood up I noticed about a few more people leaving their seats.
The man sitting next to me had took off to the front of the plane.
Then I felt something on my shoulder. A young woman had put her head on my shoulder rubbing her cheek to mine. Her long smooth black hair running down my right shoulder all the way down to my knee, and even from this angle I could see the bright blue glare from her eyes. The strange thing was I felt like I knew her, but I couldn’t quite know where from. With her cheek still next to mine she whispered "See you at the bottom newbie."
I wanted to ask what she meant but I knew better.
"It's happening" she said staring out from a window. She tried to act confident but it was obvious that she was nervous, biting her lip. But her eyes glared out of excitement.
And before I could even think about what was going to happen, lightning hit, burning a small hole in the side of the plane.
My feet lifted from where I was standing, I felt the air escape from my lungs and then we were thrown out of the plane along with the air escaping the pressurized cabin. I managed to get a hold of an arm rest, but no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t keep my grip on it, let alone pull myself onto the empty seat. I started to lose my grip one finger at a time, and soon I found myself falling towards the earth at an unimaginable speed along with the others.
And the sad thing was I didn't know why. Why would I have done this willingly? And how did those people know when would the lightning hit? But those questions didn't matter anymore.
I knew how this would end, so I closed my eyes and embraced what was about to happen.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Roar!!! Dragongirl here to review, my apologies for taking so long to get to this.
So I am not sure what kind of review you wanted. This is a pretty short piece but in a very short span of time you build of a lot mystery and suspense which is awesome!
I am going to point out a couple spots that could use a bit of attention to make your story flows the smoothest way possible.
So you have some unnecessary words in this description. Your imagery is so good here, your only problem is you over-explain a tiny bit. I do this a lot in my own work. For example you say,
My head hurt as if someone put a metal rod in my head and melted it.
See the words I have put in bold. You wrote hurt. You are telling, not showing. We as readers already know that a melting metal rod in a head is going to hurt like heck. You don't have to tell us. We already know. Also, there is no need to use the word head three times so close together.
Try something like this instead.
My head felt as though someone had shove a hot medal rod through the temple. The arteries in my skull, pulsed as if about to explode.
I believe you meant; inside of my chest.
You may want to tell us how he realizes he is in a plane. Is it the cramped seats that tip him off or the sound of the engine? Whatever it is, let us readers in on more than his thoughts. He has sight, smell, hearing, and touch for us to benefit from as well.
If her head is on his shoulder, how is she rubbing her cheek on his?
So I feel like I should hate this ending, but I don't. It is abrupt, and the main character's emotions seem kind of chilled out for him to be falling out of a plane and I like it. It fits with the feeling of this story, a dream like confusion, yet total understanding of what needs to be done.
This sentence is just good for some reason. I like that Aiden feels like something is wrong but can't quite put his finger on what.
I enjoyed this piece. It was interesting and fun to review. Keep up the good work.
DG
Hello.
Thank you for your review. I will start making changes.
But regarding the part where you asked how could their cheeks be touching if her head is on Aiden's shoulder, well if you imagine someone roughly the same height as you and her chin on your shoulder then your cheeks WOULD be touching...
Hey there, here to review!
Okay so I shall critique each part first, followed by the piece as a whole!
You used a ton of I's in here to start your sentences. It gets really really repetitive to the reader and also makes the whole paragraph lack variety. I know you're writing from the first person point of view but try as much as possible to start your sentences differently.
For example: I felt the arteries in my head were going to explode. Glancing around, I had no idea where I was. The last thing I could recall was being in school teaching a class, and somehow I had ended up here.
Notice how I still used 'I' to keep the first person view but at the same time twitched the sentences a little to make it sound more varied?
For someone who just woke up in some airplane with no recollection of how they got there, I presume they would be a little freaked out? Give your character that feeling of fear and apprehension. Maybe your MC's tries to look out the plane window or looks around the plane to see if there's anyone they know? Have that in place before you let your character gather his thoughts and do some poking around.
Okay that's for the most part, now the overall critique. I like how the story starts with the confusion and everything, and then progresses to something more mysterious and vague. It seems as if Aiden is suffering from some kind of amnesia? Since he has that feeling he knows the people on the plane yet he can't remember exactly how.
For the last few paragraphs, describe it more vividly. It's one part where the action could really build up before you end at the cliffhanger, but there were only several sentences reserved for it. Give it the space it needs, and your story would turn out nicer!
Hope my review helped!
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
This was a short story..? Wow. It felt like it was a part of something much bigger, there was so much going on. You’d really built this up so the reader wanted to know what was happening, and what was going to happen next. I’m particularly intrigued to find out why these people are on a plane, why Aiden can’t seem to remember anything, why he changed his name, and who or what was responsible for the lightning. This almost feels like a novel rather than a short story, so I’ll be very interested to see how you manage to resolve some of these mysteries while still keeping it short and sweet!
As you said, you have a few grammatical errors, but they’re not particularly major ones. You don’t always capitalise the beginnings of sentences, and I noticed an issue with your dialogue:
You need to put a comma between the end of the dialogue and the speech mark. If you’re not sure what I mean then have a look at this article which explains it in more detail.
A few other suggestions I have for the general story:
I really liked the bit about the metal rod, but it felt like you’d loaded a lot of information into this opening paragraph. Also, you haven’t really indicated the emotions Aiden is feeling, and I didn’t really get the sense that he was that scared or confused. He actually seems quite calm when he’s fiddling with the monitor… if he’s panicking, would it immediately occur to him to check the monitor?
I’m not sure if the description was particularly necessary; I liked the bit about the black dress, but there was nothing very unusual about her appearance. Maybe, instead of listing her characteristics here, you could indicate them in a more subtle way, for example: “I looked into her eyes and noticed how blue they were” or “Her glossy dark hair fell over my face.” Also, Ruby shouldn’t be capitalised.
There isn’t much in the way of detail here, and the fact that the plane was in a lightning storm really confused me, as you hadn’t mentioned anything before. Also, if the hole in the plane is only small, wouldn’t there be a bit of a pile-up as everyone was sucked towards the exit? And do you need the “a” before lightning? Why not just “lightning hit” or “lightning struck the plane”?
I think you could really make something out of the suspense and drama, particularly towards the end, by adding a little more detail and perhaps some more thoughts. How does Aiden react to the hole in the plane? Does he try to grab something? How do the other passengers react, or are they all expecting it?
Little things like this could really offer the readers an insight into what is happening on that plane and will help them imagine it better. At the moment, I can’t imagine it that well, but if you give the readers a little more information and flesh the story out a bit more especially towards the end (it feels like more of an outline at the moment) then it will give them a more detailed picture and really keep their interest now you’ve got them hooked!
Overall I thought this was really good, and shows masses of promise. I definitely want to read more, so if you upload a Part 2 please do let me know, and I will read and review it for you!
I like the story in general, also you used great dialogue and detail. Reading this aroused the curiosity in my mind and I had to finish it. The action in the story also moves pretty smoothly, and I would like to know what happens next. Good job, do you plan on making a part 2?
Thanks
And yes.I definitely am going to do a part 2
Hey its Kala here to review!
I just wanted to start by telling you it was a great short. I honestly think you could go father with this, much father in fact. I can't wait to read more of your story, and I really like the cliffhanger at the end, it’s very intriguing. You did a Great Job! Keep up the fantastic work!!!
Thanks