I see my life in raindrops;
tiny water-bubbled memories,
as they fall.
And I wait for the deafening thunder;
the reckoning of realization hits,
that I am myself, so very small.
The lightning across the sky breaks,
and it is my will.
Weakening, too quickly spent,
to hold the daylight, still.
And I find myself waiting,
the clouds all passing by.
For the wind to hearken to my soul,
that rains all the time.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i quite enjoyed this!
the whole thing is rather morbid to me, (that's a good thing in this case). you got your point across somewhat...this is not meant to be a critique by the way!
i found it very good, and creatively ingenious!
as a prissy blonde would say, "snaps!"
I liked the whole thing, but I liked that imagery above especially. Nice job. :thumb:
Hi Ainvgiel,
This is a confusing work, to say the least. The punctuation here breaks up the flow of the poem with little or no benefits in return. I cannot tell if this is intentional or otherwise, but it was poorly pulled off either way. I know a technique you may be striving for -- double meanings, reworkings of a text, and so on --, but meanings are often best when they are directly said.
As to the actual structure: rain and weather imagery are fairly common-place in poetry, especially when dealing with issuea of melancholy and 'soul.' I suggest a different image for you to work around, because, frankly, I'm not very impressed with this. The realization that you are yourself, alone, is not new, and that it was framed in an over-done way does not alleviate its troglodyte nature. Also, you have some very strange images which do not appear to correlate to anything: 'deafening thunder' correlates to 'the reckoning of realization'? 'the daylight' that you can't hold is a reference to what (nowhere else in the poem do we see language involving the color-battle of light and dark)? 'clouds all passing you by' correlates to...? 'the wind' that hearkens your soul is...? These need to be clarified for me to feel anything more than a slight indifference to this piece.
Best of luck,
Brad
Nice job here :thumb: really liked it
here's my fav. part :
Thank you very much, I appreciate your kindness.
It seems as though we have a new poet on the street. =] Everything you said had meaning, force, and was graceful - never too strong, never too superflous or soft. I really enjoyed this.
Thanks for reading and the kind words.
This had very strong imagery and gave a clear insight into the meaning.
Very well written
I like this very much. You gave a clear, powerful message, with well-chosen words.
I look forward to reading more of your work!