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Hi there AelitaLienne!

I think this is definitely a different kind of romantic short story. I'm not sure if I liked it much as a story, however you wrote it well and that's what counts. Nevertheless, there were a few things I'd like to touch on.

Most of your descriptions were precise, imaginative and allowed for imagery. However, sometimes, they became a little unclear in their meaning - perhaps it got a bit convoluted. I found myself second-guessing some things. For example:

I would ask Emma, taking a sip of my sloppily spiked Coke that was dripping down the sides and catching the light of the midnight neon.

What do you exactly mean by 'the midnight neon'? It's catching the midnight neon of what, really? You must be clear. At the moment, the sentence feels oddly incomplete though in English, it is deemed, technically, a full sentence. But I just don't get that feeling; the sentence is lacking in your original idea for it.

Also, I know I'm moving backwards, but eh:

She frightened me a bit, but it was an exotic and exciting breed of fear that kept me continuously chasing after it.

There are two things I want discuss here. One being about the two tiny words I bolded and the other being about this fear. So first: frightened only a bit? I think that really plays down everything way too much until its almost redundant and unimportant. I suggest you substitute 'a bit' for something else. And second: why exactly does she fear Emma? What is it about her? Is it an average "Ahhh! Scary monster!" type of fear or is it a fear of what emotions Emma instills within her (Rachelle)? I am rather curious about what you mean since it can completely affect the rest of the atmosphere of the short story.

It was unfortunate, that year, when Emma left San Francisco to "experience the world." Those were her very words.

I can't understand the importance of placing the three words in quotations ("experience the world") and so the second sentence following is redundant. It would do without the quotations and everything. However, if you do insist upon keeping the quotations, ask yourself this: what is the point? Why does keeping these three usually average words in quotations? It's your decision, but in a more literary sense, it is silly.

And as for what AhmadBlues nagged you about, I'm going to add on to his correction:

"Take it Rachelle, what am I supposed to do with it?"

First, you do know it's the comma between 'it' and 'Rachelle'. Second, though, this is a comma splice within dialogue. Keep it simple and replace the comma between 'Rachelle' and 'what' with either a period or, as a suggestion, a conjunction like the word 'but'.

Overall, this is very creative, but probably not my favourite personally. However, the prose was well-done. If you have any questions about this review, please don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.

Yours,
Lavvie

Hey there!
I'm so sorry this took a while. I've had a lot of review requests so I've just managed to get to this! I hope you had a good New Year's. Let's get started!

So. My first impressions: This is pretty interesting. Is it some kind of thing where it's about remembering Emma? I like it.

So, here, I like your imagery. You used some great imagery here:

a poisoned apple that's dripping red skin suggested both a delicious interior but a sinister kick

...and that's what made this piece great :]

Two minor things here:

"Take it, Rachelle, what am I supposed to do with it?"

There should be a comma there, because it's before a name. Also, I think that after Rachelle, a dash or a semi-colon would work better, but it works as a comma. That's just my opinion.

You look pretty.," I said slowly,

There, it should be a comma. It's the end of the dialogue, but the whole sentence hasn't ended yet.

Just those two nitpicks This piece was pretty well written, so not many issues here. But the main issue for me is that towards the end, apart from the silence, not much emotion was described. I can't recall something like this happening to me (for a. I'm not in that sort of love with my family and b. My family wouldn't leave me XD), so I'd really like a couple of words to describe how it felt.

But not much really! This is pretty good, and I like the idea. So well done, Aelita!

Keep Writing!


-Mac

Well hey there! I'm HockeyFan87 and I'm here to review your story!(: I am no expert so don't take anything I say to heart. If I offend you by anything I apologize. Since it is so long I am going to quote some stuff and then put my overall opinion at the bottom in a different color!(:

Emma was a particularly close friend of mine... actually, maybe that's incorrect. I didn't know her very well at all, but it seemed as if I would always seek out her company over anyone else's.

Nothing wrong with this, just felt the need to compliment you on your hook. It was amazing(:

I did not know very many people here.

either I did not know many people there or I do not know many people here. see the difference?

#0000FF ">OHMYGOD. Okay, so that was honestly one of the best things I have read on here. I could picture everything going on and the descriptions. Ahh! PM me when you post more of anything(: