There was once a girl named Ciel Courtois who was only distinguishable by the hat that she wore. In fact, I would have forgotten who she was, or at least what her name was without this hat, which happened to be a well-shaped, bright red cloche that could never have possibly matched with what she was wearing, but did not look particularly bad, as I remember that I liked the hat very much. I cannot recall what she looked like beyond this, but I certainly noticed her, and when I saw her I knew her, and with what seemed like intimate knowledge that should have been reserved selectively for close friends.
It was a summer that I met her, well, that is wrong- in actuality I cannot remember what season it was, only that it was warm and I did not need sleeves or length to my skirt, and my hair had been cut short to accommodate the sun that did not care for the comfort of those it watched. And also, if we did in fact meet, we did not acquaint well. She didn’t know my name, as I did not tell her my real one when we traded hands and lightly smothered each other with passive gestures and words that touched but never kissed.
“Hello, I am Ciel Courtois. Pleasure.” She extended her hand and acknowledged me with a slight rising of her strange hat. Her face was hidden in shadows, (created by dips and coils of light, or by my careless memory I cannot say,) though I could tell that she was smiling thinly, as if she were overwhelmingly uncertain.
“I am Alice. You come by often?” I replied, giving her hand a delicate shake and presenting a winsome smile that faltered slightly as it grew old.
“Hm. I can’t know, have you seen me around here many times?” She answered, not mockingly in the least, but as if this simple truth was somehow not important enough to hold onto.
“Yes, I sit here, on this stair, and watch the people pass, and you have crossed my path at least eleven times in the last twenty-two minutes.” I replied almost wearily as my curiosity was not fervent enough to keep me engaged.
“Really? That must be why you smiled at me as I walked by just now.” She frowned to herself, as if she were trying to draw a thought from somewhere that no longer existed. She touched her hat instinctively; just grazing the side with her fingernail just like she would reach out for a railing that she had to confirm was there. “Why do you sit here always…is it just to watch people walk by?” She added suddenly, after studying me for a brief moment and taking a slow breath that caught the air around her off guard.
“Yes, I come to know more about people by watching them do nothing but go from one place to another and disappear as easily as they came. But you are different, you did not disappear, you became clearer and clearer. This is why I smiled. And now I stand talking to you, the only person who does not seem to be going anywhere.”
“Why do you believe that I am not going anywhere?” She questioned, appearing slightly offended, yet childishly so.
“You walk in circles, I have seen you. You go from the corner of that street to the edge of the pathway and then walk back. You do this over and over and I cannot imagine that you have a destination in mind.” I defended, subtly challenging her.
“How do you know it is always me?” She replied stubbornly.
“Your hat, that red hat always indicates that it is you.” I laughed, shocked that she would not come to this conclusion herself.
“Ah, I see.” She bowed slightly and turned to walk away. “Goodbye Alice,” she called back to me as she joined the crowd of people, who seemed to be congruous, and identity- less. I saw her walk by at least two more times, each time she would look at me with a mixture of sadness (for me or for herself?) and amusement. Then I noticed her remove her red cloche and carefully place it on the naked branch of a tree. I was able to follow her back into the crowd, but after that I was never sure if she was still walking back and forth or if she had moved on, as she had become a part of the collective and someone who I could not separately discern. I sat alone on the stairs by the sidewalk and looked only for her, while before it did not matter to me who I watched.
“Miss, are you looking for anyone?” An anonymous person once stopped to ask me.
“No. I am looking someone in particular, but I do not expect to find her.” I replied wistfully.
“Then why do you still search?” This person answered, an ironic smile on their mouth.
“I do not know. Perhaps because I hope to find her eventually, or perhaps because I cannot move on without knowing if she is here.”
In the end I left my solitary spot on the stairs and headed home, though I felt as if I was still seated there, gazing intensely at the people that flowed in a monochromatic wave.
Suddenly I knew what it felt like to wander in circles, and then it occurred to me where Ciel was. I put on a coat and ran back to my spot. The sun no longer shone down on the street and so I had to squint to see through the shadows that moved in the blurry dark illuminated only by the cold light of the moon. First I saw her hat, still hanging stiffly from a branch. Then I saw her, a small figure that was only a part of a background. I waved at her, expecting her to approach me. Instead I saw her eyes widen, and then her distant body turn around and run deeper into the landscape at a pace that was much too desperate for the lethargic curtains of night that hung heavy and precariously by fraying ropes.
“Ciel!” I called out, “I know where you are going, I want to come with you!” I could see her stop for a moment and lean towards my words. Then she shook her head, one of those gestures that is only accentuated by darkness, and yelled back,
“I know where I go, but it is not for you to follow.” She sank into the scenery and I knew that she was truly gone.
I walked up to the low hanging branch and pulled the hat off of it. It no longer looked stately, dignified, or even slightly beautiful, only abandoned and alone. I put it on and adjusted it so that it fit. Then I slowly walked home, turning back and retracing my footsteps every once and awhile to make sure that I would always know where I had departed from and which direction I planned to go.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Something about this sounded wrong, I don't know what though.
try not to start a sentence with 'and'
I think the parenthesis were not necessary.
“[ How old is this girl and what time period? If it is present day and she is a teenager most teenagers would say 'I'm Alice' not 'I am Alice' I am Alice makes it sound like she is describing herself not her name.
did you mean I don't know?
Sounds like a creeper? I am confused. Is it this time period? Or what...? There have been no hints to the time period. Also, the high end vocabulary...there is a lot of it in a short period of time, that can confuse a reader easily.
This sounds like a little kid or an uneducated person talking.
again a teenager would say it's. even adults probably would.
most people would just say a stranger.
it would be no then comma not period.
this person has met her once and is following her.
again with the uneducated person or a small kid talk.
#0000FF ">Overall Opinion:
#40BFFF ">It was good but very confusing. I did not know what either character looked like or what time this was during. I didn't understand what was going on some of the time. Just little stuff though. Overall it was good though(:
Hey!
Here to review~
First hing that struck me was the voice you used. It has a feel to, a bit like classics to me, which I like. For some reason, it lead me to believe that may be it was set in an older time period, but I can't say as you haven't mentioned it anywhere.
The voice, in my opinion, really pulled me in.
A thing, though. Your opening sentence (I am very particular about those) , I feel is a bit weird. Maybe you could rephrase it? Bit like:
Ciel Courtois was a girl who was only distinguishable by the hat she wore.
Anything really.
That part isn't really phrased right. Maybe some thing like '' It was summer when I met her '' or something like that.
I think the punctuation is a bit awkward on that one. I'd prefer:
It was summer when I met her. Or that is wrong. In actuality, I cannot remember what season it was...
I think you mean know.
Your imagery and choice of descriptions, I must say, are really good. Yup, your language and word choice along with you descriptions are amazing.
I feel this is a bit abrupt. Or maybe it was intentional...
This is my favorite part. I like how you've portrayed the wisdom of Alice, by small actions, words, and by her thoughts.
I really liked the ending. It was bit of a cliffhanger and gives the reader something to think about. The sudden departure of Ciel along with her refusal to let Alice come with her make it a quite interesting read.
I feel this has some deeper meaning behind it, yet it isn't something that I can understand.
Overall: Apart from these few mistakes I really liked it.
Hope this helped. PM me if you have any questions.
-Angel
An interesting read! The voice is strong and rings with a kind of Russian formality or aristocracy. I feel like I know something of the two characters beyond what you directly told us.
The exact theme escapes me, but I get a feeling of repetition and identity. We view the events through a cloudy memory and people are passing in and out and the narrator puts on the hat herself. Something like a dream and becoming the object of the dream yourself to fulfill a hollow.
Whatever the exact theme was, though, you were a tad heavy-handed in the use of words like "monochromatic" "anonymous person" and "identity-less"
Because of how strange the events are, it feels more like a fairy tale or a whimsical chase. I enjoyed the narration of said strange events, but I felt like the meat of the story conflicted with the feeling I got from the opening paragraphs. The opening paragraphs brought to mind a crucial childhood friendship/interaction, not a brief exchange.
Like I said, the voice was good.
was a great line.
You tended to wring it dry a little much, though, at points. Like after each line of dialogue, you felt compelled to provide a phrase to qualify how or why something was said and it became a little stale after five times. They become like extended adverbs, and there is a general bias against adverbs in the world.
Also, do please lower case the "she" after dialogue in situations like:
"This is dialogue?" she questioned.
The ending left me wanting. We begin the story with this memoir-like introduction and the narrator is looking back across the years, but at the end of the story, I don't get a sense of the older narrator anymore. Not that I expect you to say "and that's why I never blah blah blah," but just something to bring the story back into focus and help us back out to the viewpoint of the true narrator would be beneficial.
Hi Aelita
This left a strange and wistful sensation stirring around in me. I mean, yes, like you said, it is deep in terms of literary works but it went beyond that to me yet smoothed over me like a subtle breeze, in a sense.
You know that inner ‘writing voice’ that's so important for a writer to understand about themselves? I think yours totally and distinctively came across in this story. Observing how you worded things was just as exciting as the piece itself. Magnificent!
I felt a comma was missing between "dark" and "illuminated" only because it is a long sentence and I got a tad lost, mid-read, and had to backtrack.
I think the person actually being anonymous allows the reader to fantasize their own interpretation with kind of a blank slate, and for that reason I liked that factor. It added more mystery to an already mysterious, intriguing and alluring story. With that said, I think it could add more depth if the person was described just as subtly and interestingly as Ciel. Purely my opinion, though.
I found it really hard to sum up a favorite part of the entire piece, but ^this^ one, as well as her last words with Ciel probably took the cake. I loved the way you described her movements against the darkness of night, capturing a very clear and drastic sense. However the following line, I didn't understand what it meant; what were the fraying ropes?
You have a really magnificent creation here. Definitely, one I’ll remember and come back to!
Mahalo
Edits/comments in red.
Final thoughts:
I know this is supposed to be meaningful, but I'm just not getting it. <.>' I'm a little dumb when it comes to stories like these, though, so excuse me if I don't get the meaning of it. ^^"
I can, however, offer a little advice in the way of storytelling? =D
First of all, I'd like to commend you on the voice. Very impressive, the way it builds atmosphere and maintains the same feel all throughout. ^^ Gives the whole thing a lot of character, even though when I think back on it there really wasn't much going on. You lacked some things, but voice wasn't one of them. On top of that, although sometimes you went too far into purple territory, there were some lines there that were positively gorgeous. oo
Still! You know what they say - everything can use a little improvement. =] I'll offer up my ideas.
Your voice was so strong I actually made up a town/setting on my own, without the help of any description! However, this doesn't change the fact that description is still super useful. Your reader is technically blind, deaf, and senseless in this world. As the writer, it's your job to provide the reader with the environment he/she is missing out on. ^^ Focus on descriptions, and try to engage all the reader's senses, not just sight. Give me a little more in the way of how the sunshine makes your MC feel sticky, how the people bustled and kind of just pushed at each other in their haste, etc. Something, anything to hold on to. Little details go a long way, so don't drown out the story in purply descriptions either! Just stick to the basics and give some more for the reader to latch onto.
Next, I'd like to point out that this is a first person POV story. I'm sure you know that, but a first person POV doesn't just involve writing with "I" and "my" and other personal pronouns. ^^" It also involves making the reader feel as if he/she lives in your character's head. Whatever your character feels, thinks, and notices, the reader must think, feel, and notice. Don't leave the reader out of anything your character feels and thinks. That's the biggest thing missing in this piece, I think. I can't hear anything your MC thinks, and when she did think something, you kind of told it versus showing it.
Let me pick up the example I pointed out earlier.
You could do something like:
Okay, so I can't really emulate your voice perfectly, but I tried? <.>" I'm pretty rusty as a writer too, so take that with a grain of salt. But you get the idea, right? The key is to elaborate on it instead of just leaving it at a single phrase. Some things are best left simple, but thoughts are better elaborated. =D They make the reader feel as if they really understand your character. See, it's kind of like in real life. The reason you can more or less predict the way your best friend acts/will act is because you know her so well - you spend so much time with her you've figured out how she thinks.
Similarly, with first person POV main characters, you'd like to do that as well. The only way the reader is going to know your character is if your character shares her thoughts with the reader, so keep that in mind when you write first persons. It is an absolute must for the reader to understand the MC in a first person POV story. =]
Next, on characterization! I know I said I would elaborate on this, but I think you did a pretty good job of it towards the end. I guess it's worth saying that you should have it kick in a little earlier, though. On a separate but related note, you might want to give your reader more credit. They're pretty helpless in your story, yes, given how they can't tell anything is going on if you don't write it down, but you've got to give them some credit before you reveal your whole hand by accident. No need to tell them something twice. ^^" Readers are clever creatures, I hear. o: Tell them what they need to know to capture their hearts, and tell them nothing else. A little mystery only adds to the allure of a good story!
Lastly, it'd be nice if you could start with a little more tension/conflict. Maybe have your MC wonder what Ciel is up to. Don't have her so indifferent. You could see by my comment I was getting bored at one point there. ^^" Try not to dally too long~ The later you arrive at a scene, the better. ^^
Anyway, I hope I helped! This is only my opinion, though, so don't take anything as definitive. Also, it's your story, so you'd know what's best for it. =]
Sincerely,
Octave