Hey guys! The ending isn't really ending, sort of mid-dialogue (bad, I know!) Anyhow, tell me what you think? This is the almost prequel to EverWayward, so you can get to know the characters. Also, EverWayward is a little dark, I am making this more fun 
Chapter One:
Massacre
At last, Aedomir saw them. Like souls floating in a meadow, the company passed silently by the ice-topped pool. Their shadows rose from the torches in their hands and silvery figures rested on the water. But at that moment, Aedomir flinched, as he saw suddenly an explosion of light, as if dawn had broken with mighty fury. The pool erupted into many colours of white light, and a figure burst into a bolt of fire. Shrieks of the company about the poor man pierced Aedomir’s ears, as he seized his sword and cast his eyesight around. Then his vision began to break through the night, and looked strong and deep for movement. What he saw chilled his spine, for around the company many blackened shapes loomed, until the remaining of the men were trapped, horror-stricken like hares before the hunter.
Then, in a sudden woe the crouching stance of Aedomir became rapidly high and his blade shone moonlight magnificent. The ground beneath him trembled like thunder as he broke into sprint and felt the wind aside him part, his feet roaring into dust and speed. The world of night became a yonder shadow, and with that he kicked against the ground so powerfully that he leapt into the sky, and fell down upon the figures like anvil. Aedomir’s cry came so suddenly that for a single moment the night was filled with the echoing of a broken mountain.
His edge cut deep into a beast, and before thought, span round and smashed against another’s sword, thereby it was forced to break asunder. Clanking of blades sang for a while, until the ground was littered with corpses and Aedomir’s blood-stained sword was satisfied. He sheathed it, and turned round to the men before him.
They were dreary with sleep, but reigning cold with terror. The blackened body lay to the side of the battle, weakly mirroring some of the orange torch. A woman went to move towards it, but instead stopped and shattered with tears, comforted by no embrace. The others stood silently, eyes upon Aedomir. Their swords remained on guard and all trembled on edge.
“Sorry about your friend,” spoke Aedomir, in a somewhat tone of warmth.
“Who are you?” one wheezed.
Aedomir held up his hand, bruised with battle, and said, “Drop your swords, fools. I have just fought for you, have I not?”
“A man with questions never lowers his defence, good sir,” the man replied.
Aedomir smiled. “Wise words, wise words,” said he. “What is your name?”
“We should like to know yours first,” said the man, coldly.
“My name is Aedomir. And you?”
The man’s sword fell slightly. “We have no name – such words are meaningless now.”
“Then what can I call you?” mocked Aedomir. “Wind of the mountain?”
“If you need speak to us by our mortal names, then know me as Iared, this is-”
“I am sure these people are quite capable of speaking by their own tongue,” Aedomir interrupted. “Are you the leader or something?”
The others' faces turned to snarls, and the woman looked round, staying her pity. “Outlaws have no leader,” she said.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This actually does seem like a pretty okay place to end there although the dialogue was a little short just being tagged onto so much description like it was in this piece but that's not really that big of a deal. The flow was nice and it sounded fairly okay. The description at the start was a little bit long but it wasn't so big that it became boring so I think overall it works out just fine.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Pretty decent opening. It doesn't quite sound like that much of an action opening mainly because the language seems a little too flowery to start out an action scene. The elegant description don't mesh that well with fast action but it isn't so extreme to the point of being hard to read so its not a big issue.
And this whole thing was kind of quick. So much elegant description and then just SLICE, SLICE, SLICE and the whole battle is over.
Here the elaborate stuff does the story justice. After the whole battle.
The dialogue at the end sounds quite stiff and formal so if that's what you were going for great job if not, didn't quite work out there. This sounds like some very puffed up dialogue by a group of nobles or something to that effect/
Aaand that's about it for this one.
Overall: It's definitely quite a fun story to read. It makes a lot of sense and it tells quite a tale. The action scene doesn't work very well for me mostly because the whole tension and pacing that you get from action is completely ruined by language that is just a bit too flowery. Besides that the overall flow was fine. The characters seemed believable if maybe a little too formal.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Wow thanks very much scasha!
I would agree with you on those things, but at the time I was too tired to care 
... I know, I know, bad lol. I personally felt I was combining together too many ideas, perhaps I should just lengthen them out.
Great suggestions - I always have troubles with the first few lines
Thanks,
-Mark
-- didn't really understand this sentence. What do you mean my woe. -- Wait he broke the ground so hard he formed a montain? This was sort of confusing.
-- too much is happeneing in this one sentence. Split it up into seperate ideas. His edge cut deep into the beast. As the being collapsed, Aadomir spun around and smashed his metal against another's sword. Such a force caused the beast's blade to break asunder.
-- this sentence is kind of awkward. Try to reword it. -- who's blackened body? the guys who was struck in the beginning? specify. -- this is an incomplete thought. reread it and maybe say ...instead stopped and began to sob. No one came to comfort her. -- take out on edge
-- wheezed sounds awkward here.
I liked what you had here! Nice job! it was very interesting. Some suggestions:
1) Make sure your readers can understand some of the things you are saying. Everything goes so fast that you may need to slow down and explain like the explosion part or the part where Aadomir starts running.
2) Show don't tell
Other than that well done! Keep up the good work!