Hiya! This is the first part of the revised introduction for my novel, erm... name needed! Thanks for reading, and this is my first attempt at adecent poem.
Chapter One:
Ash Mounts
“For all these years
We have ridden in solitude.
Always in seclusion,
Always.
Count us this day
And Count us as one,
Count us together,
For we remain undone.
Look to the skies,
Stars you will see.
One does wane;
Its name? Freedom.
But one does broaden,
It grows, it swells.
And at length it rises.
Its name? Courage.
Look to the west,
Look to the road.
They will come,
And by my sword,
They will weep…”
The song whispered through the air, rising towards the heavens.
“Let the savages wail in their own spite!” the mighty rider cried, lifting his crimson-stained blade into the light of the waxing moon. “We may not be divine, and such power may not flow through us this day, but let our courage drive us! Let strength find us!”
The exile steered his horse and bounded into the glowing twilight. His sword gleamed spectacular silver under the twilight and the man’s warm, blue eyes stared into the heart of the yonder host. Countless were their numbers, but hope remained kindled whilst his kindred’s passion dwelt.
“Now! Ride forth!”
A chorus of bellowing horns followed.
The grave is dug. I see you; your scythe drags in the snow. You wait earnestly by the coffin. Time to meet your desire. Thought Aedomir, lord of the exiles, as his steed roared down the mountainside. Hooves raced behind him, cries of valour and of spirit floating in their wake. A fear struck hard into the enemy, and some turned and fled. Aedomir garnished the inspiration a let rip a cry of despair.
And so the outlaws neared the curtains of destiny.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Oh thanks everyone!
This was my faovurite part... lol. I am rewrting the first chapter but I jsut can't put my finger on it...
nice opening!
I like the imagery you used.
The only suggestion I'd make is to supstitute the first/second use of 'twilight' for another word in the in the third paragraph of the actual story since it seems repetitive.
I don't really know much about poetry but I think yours was pretty good!
You just have some grammar problems and i will will help you fix them ready...
“For all these years you need a comma here.
We have ridden in solitude.
Always in seclusion,
Always.
Count us this day put a comma here.
And Count us as one, Don't capitalize "and" P.S sorry for my spelling. put period here.
Count us together,
For we remain undone.
But one does broaden,
It grows, it swells.
And at length it rises. Again don't start a sentence with "and"
Its name? Courage.
That is all i found wrong with it now lets find some good stuff in it.
1 good content
2 Pleasurable to read
3 I suck at spelling LOL XD
4 Not vague or cliche
If you have any questions feel free to pm me...
SCL
Skipping the very intro piece, someone else can do that. It's not my area.
“Let the savages wail in their own spite!” ~ Huh? Spite is a bad word choice for the sentence.
“We may not be divine, and such power may not flow through us this day, but let our courage drive us! Let strength find us!” ~ That is some how not uplifting and the last part is contradictory.
"The exile steered his horse and bounded into the glowing twilight. His sword gleamed spectacular silver under the twilight and the man’s warm, blue eyes stared into the heart of the yonder host. Countless were their numbers, but hope remained kindled whilst his kindred’s passion dwelt."
Again with exile I see... I think you just like the word despite of its actual meaning. Twilight shouldn't be used twice so close together. 'Warm, blue eyes' I would say 'fiery' and in general, blue eyes is cliche unless they are German.
I get a Norse feeling, but it clearly lacks the same tone. So I don't what to say for this as a whole. It is too short and lacks much of what I've been reading in Immortals, but Aedomir is in it. I am all mixed up for feeling on this. Its not bad, but definitely not your best.
Oh... and the ending bit "Curtains of destiny" has bad word choice again.