Author's Note This is the second part of chapter four. This passes the 11k mark, and if you are still completley bewildered just let me know and I will PM you everything so you can work out what is going on. Also, on the website I will keep 'The Immortals' as to not confuse you, but I thought of a new title: "Vagabond". Do you like it?
Chapter Four Part II
“I could have, yes.”
[s]Aedomir studied the horse a little longer, and at length said, “This… connection… describe it to me more.”[/s]
“Very impressive,” Aedomir mocked. He studied the horse a little longer and at length said, “Why did you call for him?”
Seridon raised his hand to the steed’s saddle, and then reached out for the tanned leather sack alongside it. He unattached it and lifted it to the ground. “You don’t think I would have come unprepared do you?”
“I don’t know what to think right now,” said Aedomir. “Are you telling me all you summoned your horse for, was to get a weathered down sack?”
Slowly, Seridon’s head turned to Aedomir. “Well, I did fear for Rothorn, and no I did want the sack, but the contents.” He dug his hands in, and produced a roll of parchment. “Here,” he said, throwing it up to Aedomir.
The parchment was a map, drawn on by a very accurate hand. It outlined every border of the Tagrum Islands. Aedomir slipped his eyes back to Seridon, and sighed. “What use is a map, if we don’t know where we are?” he murmured.
“Every use. Now, take a look around. What do you see?” Seridon gestured about him, eyes still locked with Aedomir’s. “Look, a stream, running into a cluster of trees. There aren’t many of them, so it will not appear on the map.”
“The stream runs from the mountains,” Aedomir said. “But as do all.” Looking up, he noticed the fog lifting, revealing ranks of mountains. Swiftly, he counted the visible summits, doubtful of anymore behind them. “I make seven, agreed?”
“My eyes deceive me I am afraid, but seven it shall be!” Seridon stepped towards Aedomir and squinted at the map. “It seems that the peaks of Naragai match our surroundings.”
“But where is Lake Amplitudo? Greatest of Tagrum Monti? If we are at Naragai, then surely the lake should be over there.” He pointed out past the stream, into a fog-clad horizon. Seridon stood up, and gazed across the landscape. Aedomir promptly joined him.
“Let us wait for a moment, until the midday sun clears the air a little,” Seridon said, and sat back onto the log. Again, Aedomir followed, perching himself by the fire. Perhaps he should have relit it after all.
And so they sat in silence like waning candles. Aedomir felt obliged to break it, and risked a long hard glance upon Seridon. “What do we— I do now?”
“Well, I might have thought you would like to see your old comrades again.”
“That’s all I would have, if I have anything, so if they are alive then that will be my road.”
“I am coming with you, of course.”
Aedomir studied Seridon carefully, looking him from top to toe. “Very well, but do not hinder me. You risk plenty, if you truly have claimed one of my rider’s souls.”
Seridon hung his head in a bitter shame. “You must understand that… That it was not my malice that struck him down, it was not—”
“Right, I forgot, a shadow took you…” Aedomir interrupted coldly. Seridon went to protest, but Aedomir’s chilling eyes made him keep quiet. Like a sudden tree spout, Aedomir arose. “I am not waiting about any longer, let us go now.”
Upon Aedomir’s bidding, Seridon too stood up and swiftly hurried to his horse, who feasted upon the fresh grass contently. The fog had lifted slightly, and the great lake had been revealed in its absence.
Aedomir walked, and Seridon refused to take to his steed without Aedomir’s accompaniment, and beckoned Rothorn to follow casually behind. To Seridon, it was a mystery how it was that Aedomir knew where his riders dwelt, but yet he did, and marched on towards his target rarely consulting the map.
The travel waned on in a new seclusion, where Aedomir would seldom confide in Seridon his feelings and thoughts. Only when Seridon should ask would Aedomir deliver a prompt and blunt answer. One thousands years of mystery had finally begun to sink in, and as his years in exile had taught him, he must help himself, for no-one else shall.
Occasionally, he would retire and level up with Rothorn. Then his eyes would befall upon him, and memories of his own steed, now somewhat reminiscent in ash and earth, would be wrought. The thought would be discarded at once.
Exhaustion swept across Aedomir like a veil of fog. Sleep was not the problem, sickness was. His emotions, he could not present to Seridon. Death lingered obdurately at the back of his mind, every now and then poisoning his fresh thoughts. Looking about him, he would see dotted rain, hazy mist and weathered plants. The world was not much different, or here at least. Past the fog lay a land of hidden mystery. Once a great jewel of fire may now be merely a dwindling spark, devouring rotten wood and drifting past the sea into a nomadic realm. And that was him; lost.
He remembered those years when he was alone, condemned to travel the wilderness in solitude. Fighting, he would strive to free himself from the wild seas of daily life. Then, at age 34, his heart was found. Scattered citizens of the empire found him, and Aedomir promised he would forge them into a sword. For five mighty years did his blade fight with theirs, and did his horse ride valiantly. But he knew it could never survive. Up until the conquest only scattered hordes of Kalbarcs would cluster into Aedomir’s path. Then his men were broken. He fled to the falls, and the touch upon the water sent him to the future.
That was all he knew. But he sought so much more.
Aedomir sighed and began to loath the cold silence that reigned. Then, from the corner of his eye, he saw a more vivid colour strike into sight.
Red… red blood. He looked at Seridon’s left sleeve. It dangled helplessly, and it was stained with an eminent crimson. “Seridon!” He shouted. Startled, Seridon sprung round and reached for his sword. “That blood… on your sleeve.”
“Oh,” he glanced down and jerked it a bit, yet refusing to reveal his hand. “It’s nothing, I just cut myself—”
“While shaving?” Aedomir mocked. “Give my your hand, what have you—”
“Come on,” Seridon interrupted coldly, and gestured with his other hand to the looming fog.
Aedomir’s impatience shimmered from his face. He lurched at Seridon before he had chance to react. Careful to take the arm, he grabbed it and pulled Seridon towards him. Seridon tried to protest, but Aedomir had already tugged back the overall and was inspecting the soggy crimson.
Looking down, Aedomir saw that Seridon’s hand bathed in a dark red pool. Where the Cresta had once been, a torn cloth soaked in the cerise liquid. He peered up at Seridon and glared at him coldly in the eyes.
__________
Please could you fill this out, greatly appreciated:
Grammar............................x/10
Plot Development................x/10
Character Development........x/10
Interest..............................x/10
Description..........................x/10
Overall................................x/10
Erm... thanks for the crit but have you got against Aedomir?!
He will grow on in the story trust me. Put it this way, he is confused about what is going on and doesn't uunderstand. Seriously though, could you tell me why you don't like Aedomir...?
Sorry, I'm sorry I took so long. I haven't fallen out with your story I swear. Firstly I'm going to be incredibly blunt. I hate Aedomir, he's an idiot who got no redeeming qualities. If he's the main character he better grow up and fast!. I still like Seridon more. You got to at least make Aedomir likeable right now I want to stab him hard then hold his body over a pit. Yeh I hate him that much. It was a good chapter to do but nothing Aedomir done makes me like him. He's just so bad.
Grammar............................7/10
Pretty good just proof read 
Plot Development................9/10
Even though I hate Aedomir, I like the cliff hanger.
Character Development........5/10
Blame Aedomir, sorry 
Interest..............................6/10
I'm getting pretty annoyed with Aedomir so intresting waning
Description..........................9/10
Not over done
Overall................................3/10
Sorry . Just with way MC is lowers this dramatically. You can save it. Just make it less of immature moron who acts like an adult.
I'm deeply sorry for harshness of this, but had to be said.
I think Exhaustion is spelled wrong.
I noticed you used "waned" a lot.
I really liked how Seridon tried to cut away his mark. Or at least that's what I thought happened, if I'm not confused.
First, I wanted to say that I noticed you used "waned" a lot. This isn't a bad thing, just something I noticed.
An edit: "“Are you telling me all you summoned your horse for, No comma needed was to get a weathered down sack?” "
Another: "“Well, I did fear for Rothorn, and no I did want the sack, but the contents.”" You seem to be missing a word here... change this to "Well, I did fear for Rothorn, but no, I did not want the sack, but it's contents."
I think that you're still doing an excellent job on this story, wonderfully adding fresh points so that we don't get bored, and you aren't repeating this over and over again. I really like it still... I do believe that this has moved up to becoming my favorite story on the site, or at least tied for first. (There are so many good stories--I would like to congratulate Mutts, DoaV, and The Immortals/Vagabond [I really like the name!])
Also...
"Grammar............................x/10
Plot Development................x/10
Character Development........x/10
Interest..............................x/10
Description..........................x/10
Overall................................x/10"
You stole this from me, Aedomir!! Haha, I'm just kidding. Well, you did take it from me, but I don't mind. Here's your answers:
Grammar............................6.5/10
A little rough sometimes, especially punctuation. But that's okay, 'cause you have all of us editors to fix that up for you! (And really, it's the plot that counts.)
Plot Development................9.5/10
Amazing job here.... nothing to say except that it's awesome!
Character Development........8/10
Good...
Interest..............................x/10
Sorry, but this confused me. Do you mean how interesting I am in the story--in finishing it?? If so, this is like a 9.8/10. (Nothings perfect, so I can't rate anything 10/10.)
Description..........................9/10
Good job, you're much better than I--or a lot of other writers--could do with descriptions. This is one of your strongest points.
Overall................................9.2/10
See, I like it!!
Awesome, Aedomir, again. I really like this story, and I can't wait for it to end (so I find out what happens), yet I wish it would go on forever because that's just how good it is. I really liked how Seridon tried to cut away his mark. Or at least that's what I thought happened, if I'm not confused.
Keep writing, I beg you!!!
Teh Wozzinator
Exhaustion swept across Aedomir like a veil of fog. Sleep was not the problem, sickness was. His emotions, he could not present to Seridon. Death lingered obdurately at the back of his mind, every now and then poisoning his fresh thoughts.
I think Exhaustion is spelled wrong. Also this is a run on sentence. Keeps going and going and going. You know what i mean. This needs some work on spelling and grammar but it works for now. I like your story by the way.
If you need me Pm me ok. TTYL SimonCowellLuver
Hiya! Thanks for the crit, really apprieciated. I like this part, and yeah, I intend to talk about what lives in the lake. Amplituod is jsut Latin, which is what I am using for my names. It means great or something or other. I think I will change it... ideas welcome!
No offense intended, none whatsoever, but I happen to like this rather more than the first part. this tastes a little less of "I wonder if I could mirror Tolkein" and a little more of "let's write a story that has my own voice telling it"
You've got the right amount of dialogue, where it moves the story along and adds interest. I could use a few more descriptions, like about the setting, mostly, but that's just me. I loved Tolkein's long-winded descriptions of Ents, Rivendell, and whatnot.
Could you do me a huge favor and change Lake Amplitudo. It's driving me up a wall. It sort of feels like you were desperate for a name, and ended up sticking a bunch of nonsense together. You'll notice that all the famous epics are different, they make up their own language parts. That's why everything in Gondor sounded different than that in Rohan, to use a well known example. Try something a little more fitting for the story. the "udo" ending really throws me off! Thanks!
-Alanda
Thanks Jabber. I'll get that fixed ASAP. You're right, Seridon should be asking himself why he is with this exile.
Thanks!
Yodles! ^_^
Seridon raised his hand to the steed’s saddle, and [s]then [/s]reached out for the tanned leather sack alongside it.
“You don’t think I would have come unprepared, do you?”
“Are you telling me all you summoned your horse for, [no comma] was to get a weathered down sack?”
“Well, I did fear for Rothorn, and no I did want the sack, but the contents.”
“My eyes deceive me, I am afraid, but seven it shall be!”
“Let us wait for a moment, until the midday sun clears the air a little,” Seridon said, [no comma] and sat back onto the log.
“That’s all I would have, if I have anything, [period instead] [s]so[/s] if they are alive, then that will be my road.”
“You must understand that… [s]That[/s] that it was not my malice that struck him down, it was not—”
Aedomir walked, and Seridon refused to take to his steed without Aedomir’s accompaniment, and beckoned Rothorn to follow casually behind.
One thousands years of mystery had finally begun to sink in, and as his years in exile had taught him, he must help himself, for no-one else shall.
Looking about him, he would see dotted rain, hazy mist, and weathered plants.
And that was him; lost.
For five mighty years did his blade fight with theirs, [s]and [/s]did his horse ride valiantly.
Aedomir sighed and began to loathe the cold silence that reigned.
“Seridon!” [s]He[/s] he shouted.
Even after long periods of time, the chapters seem to end with something interesting. ^^
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