Published January 10, 2012
“I will not do it again”, she said to herself for the hundredth time. “This is not who I am”.
Her right hand was still wet, her body still trembling. Guilt invaded her like never before as she imagined Ben’s face looking at her. “Isn’t it some kind of cheating?”
But, by the thought of him, her thoughts betrayed her again.
He is on top of me, his hands are all over my body and I can feel him becoming excited. With a soft hand he opens my legs and gets inside me, slowly at first, and wildly next. I bite my lips to avoid screaming.
She felt pleasure, guilt, desire, all at once and nothing could have stopped her, so once more her hands went down her body, looking avidly for more pleasure.
He kisses my neck, bites by ear, and whispers he loves me more than anything in the world. I smell his perfume and then I can’t bite my lips anymore.
She started to groan, her body going crazy. Her hand was starting to ache, but it didn’t matter, she was almost there right now.
He kisses my breasts, his hands on my hips, holding me tight. Now he is kissing my belly, licking, biting. It feels good, but I want him to go down at once. I feel like I’m not going to be able to wait. “Come on”, I want to say, “we don’t have much time. You don’t need to be romantic”. Like he is hearing my thoughts, he takes his mouth exactly where I wanted. And this is it. Now I can scream.
“Yes”, was all she could say. Not a shadow of guilt.
And then it was over. He wasn’t with her anymore and just now she could realize what she did. She could feel guilt coming back as she tried to calm down her body.
“I will not do it again.” She promised. “This is not who I am”
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140,942 Literary Works • 673,774 Reviews
Hey!
Well, I am not really into criticizing art, but I will just say what I felt about your story.
Firstly, sorry, I am not 18, but the title made me read this ... I just love it how the character keeps repeating'This is not who I am' and I honestly can find myself getting lost in the character's thoughts. I mean I can actually understand what it is feeling.
If they were much more details, a cause of why she is feeling like that I wouldn't be able to feel what the character feels. But right how it is, I can perfectly feel what the character is feeling .
Once again, sorry because I read this even if not 18, but I liked it.
lots of love,
Roby The Germ
Hello.
Don't worry, I'm over 18.
I found this to be surprisingly interesting. You handled a rather delicate topic tastefully, avoiding most of the details but still creating an image of what was going on.
However, while you paint a somewhat emotional picture of the act itself, the guilt aspect— the core conflict of this story— was glossed over the most. Paint a slightly richer picture there. There is no "typical" reason for guilt, and we'd get a much stronger picture of her character otherwise.
Overall, I'd like more on the whole situation. Is this man her ex? Current boyfriend who can't be there every night? You use the flashback as the bulk of the story, which is fine, but it needs a bit more context to have this all make sense.
You've already handled the emotions rather subtly and that's kept a lot of the focus on the MC's emotions, but I'd like more. In this highly introspective piece, key pieces of emotion and context really make this shine. I'd add more emotion instead of mechanics into the flashback; despite the length and details, it feels rather flat for me. I can't really put myself in her skin, understand where she's coming from. That's a key thing in fiction: make readers feel along with the MC.
I did like this, and its portrayal of addiction, but I think it could use more depth to really ground the piece. Right now, it's relying on reader understanding to be complete, and that's a risky strategy. Fill in a few more details so it stands on its own, without requiring any real life history.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments.
~Rosey