Published September 5, 2011
It stopped raining at the same moment I ended my son's life . I couldn't see anything. I could barely breathe. It was cold and my hands were frozen, with his blood in it. I run through the door, opened the gate without seeing it. My steps echoed in the empty street.
I could feel my scream stuck in my throat, refusing to believe what I had done, my tears running down my marked face. At some moment I looked behind trying to see if I was being followed. No. No one was there. Maybe I had killed whoever had been shouting in my ears for the past three months.
The image of my dead kid appeared in front. Bloody, stabbed, dead.
Maybe I was crazy after all. Many people spent months telling I should look out for help. But how could I? I have a son to look after.
"I had a son.", I said out loud.
Finally I could scream. The reality just appeared in front of me. I could see what I had done. I could feel his blood in my skin, frozen every part of me it touched.
I looked behind.
"I must come back" I thought.
But this time I couldn't run. Every step I took killed me inside as I pictured what I would find as soon as I entered the house. Opposite to the blood, the tears that crossed my cheeks burned my skin, punishing me.
"I am so sorry" I murmured "I am so sorry"
I don't know if I was saying that for what I had done or for what I knew still had to be done.
I made it to the house when I last expected. It was dark, just like my soul.
The gate made a noise as I opened it. Instantly I imagined one of those scary movies I so often watched. I passed through the door, which was open.
"It must have been the wind".
His body was in the floor exactly like I remembered. The knife was still by his side.
For some reason I couldn't apologize. I felt dirty, cursed. I put his hair behind his ear, took off my shirt and cleaned him as much as I could. Wiped the tear that was still is his left eye, that was still open.
I picked up the knife and heard a loud laugh which I recognized being the one that filled my ears every day.
"Do it" said the voice between two laughs.
I looked at the knife. It didn't tremble as I put an end to the life of the one that had killed my son. The laugh was the last thing I heard.
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138,514 Literary Works • 672,146 Reviews
hi.
a rather creative piece.
but has its own back drops.
this doesnt make up to a very capturing start. it fails in being dramatic but otherwise gives a start to the plot.
this calls for suspence. a very good idea on your part. it certainly makes the reader wonder.
the word kid represents detatchment on the part of the mother from her late son, or lack of emotion.
son, or child will
seems like a unwise pick of words.
how about
"with a shudder reality struck me on face"
or "reality desended on me with a strike"
makes it all the more dramatic.
am i mistaken in thinking it should mean "i must go back"?
"his body lay on the floor just like i remembered it" will work out better
love the ending when the mother puts an end to her life.
that part has been brought out wonderfully.
except for the few glitches the story works!
Hi
First of all I liked this piece. It was something that I wasn't really expecting when she killed herself at the end.
Right, now really the only problem I had with this piece was that it was so short. There was very little description and it was difficult to really get a proper sense of the scene. The lack of length and description made it very hard for the reader to feel any sort of emotion, even though people are dieing.
Overall I enjoyed it but would enjoy it alot more if I could feel some sort of emotion towards the parent and the death of the child.
- apple96
Well after those reviews I'm just another drop spilled. Anyway, I felt this was a really good piece. Especially the ending. Just a few things to complain about. Specifically:
The Tense 
Length or Plot
Imagery
This is really awkward especially in the beginning. I recommend when you edit this out that you decide if this is in the present tense (I stab him) the past (I stabbed him) or the present continuous... I think (I am stabbing him). Feel free to experiment, even with future tense
You had a creative idea here - killing your own son, but it wasn't brought together well. Unfortunately you need to be extra careful not to fall into the abyss of being cliche, but at the same time don't be scared to develop a bit of a plot or story. I understand it was a short story and brevity gives stronger emotions but this was just a bit abrupt for me. Also, she's mentally disturbed? Nothing wrong with it but it nullifies the emotion you're trying to create. Are we meant to pity her or hate her? If we're meant to pity her then she should go through real hell - perhaps that laughing voice is that of her son and he was really irritating? On that note, why did she kill him. She was disturbed, yes. But why didn't she jack a car instead? See what I'm saying. What disturbed her to such an angle that would lead to a knife in her son. If we're meant to hate her then I recommend making her hateable. Disgusting... perhaps the son was irritating and she was disturbed but felt no remorse?
I see you had some great lines and ideas:
That was one. I recommend you take out all this contemplating about what she's just done and put it into one or two paragraphs... maybe in the beginning and then somewhere in the middle. Fill the rest with action and then in these two paragraphs you can go crazy with metaphors and such. Just make them really powerful. If the sweat is cold then time stands still... you know? The clock is frozen. etc. And then fill up the rest of the story with action where you show and not tell. i.e - stuff should happen. Somebody should die. Somebody should scream. Running through the streets. Somebody should vomit. And then after a bunch of stuff has happened you can contemplate the action and the craziness (I just did this?) before your MC commits suicide. You see it's all about action-reaction. You've captured that but it doesn't come across in the reading. It should read something like:
(A thought: Am I really going to do this) Actions: Kills son and runs (Thought: Did I really just do that. What should I do now?) Action: Suicide
Of course each piece is much more involved and disturbing.
Also, there was an awkward line where you said
As I said, awkward. Make sure your tone - like your tense - is constant throughout your piece. Is this person just a child herself like was this some kind of illegitimate baby? Would she use language like child or is she a bit more older and mature. Kid seems a bit of a loose word for me. Child is equally awkward. I'm sure the child has a name. If not then you *could* go with: the child... just a suggestion.
All in all this was powerful but kind of let down. I recommend you develop your character a bit more: who is this. The plot: what happened. The theme and style etc.: Why did this happen and how can I bring that across to the audience?
But finally, well done.
Sincerely,
TheNewHero
Hey!
I noticed that most of the grammar things have been pointed out, so I'll go on to other things. It's a little confusing, which definitely matches the confusion of the narrator, but that's not really a good thing. It's a little too confusing to understand, so maybe giving the readers a few more details, like what gender the narrator is, would be good. This was very dramatic and I loved how the reader didn't know all the details. I'm assuming that the narrator killed her/him self at the end, am I correct? Also, it was a little surprising when the person took their shirt off, you might want to make it more clear that the narrator is cleaning their son there. It was really dramatic, good story!
Very interesting piece. I would've liked a bit more detail. Why did he kill his son? I understand why he killed himself though. I found your use of words really good. But I didn't really get the story. I think you need to add a little more detail. I found myself confused sometimes. Who had laughed at him like that before? Why did that bother him so much? I think your story is a great idea, but there is a lot you can add to that. I like your title, but your story is so good I think maybe you could think of a better one???
I loved your end line though!
Deanie x
PS I hope I didn't sound too harsh. I really just want to help you out. x
Hey there, Adriana! Interesting piece you have here! I'm WD and it's lovely to meet you.
So, I think you did a good job of conveying some of the confusion here; the narrator doesn't seem to really understand what is going on any more than the reader. The piece sounds hysterical and that is a nice touch; the hysteria really adds to the character. However, I think the piece loses the reader a bit too much right now. It's okay for the narrator to be lost, for some points to be blurry because of that confusion, but I had a really hard time figuring out what was happening here and, even more importantly, who your narrator was.
Most of the sentence-level issues have been pointed out already, so I'm just going to talk big picture here. As I've said, you do a good job conveying the confusion of the narrator; however, the narrator is still a bit of a mystery to me. Which leaves me very little to hold onto as the narration flings this way then another with the narrator's hysteria. Who is this narrator? What does she (I'm assuming it's a she? I wasn't really sure) feel when she's doing this? How does she react physically to hysteria? Is she shaking? Is she dizzy? What kind of problems did she have that people told her to seek help? Also--the son. I get that he's dead, but that doesn't mean he's off limits when it comes to character development. If the reader is to care about him, the reader must be drawn into who he is. What was he like? What does he look like, even?
In essence, I think this piece just needs to slow down. It's lacking in detail right now, and part of that is due to the hysterical touch you put here, but that doesn't negate that the piece seems to be losing its readers along the way. I would suggest going back and thinking through the details of each scene, then deciding how to integrate and choose between those details. I think it will really help the reader's ability to empathize with the characters and give the reader something to hold onto as the narration is hysterical.
I hope this helps! Great job here and keep writing! If you have any questions, PM me!
His blood in what? A vial container? Otherwise you were probably trying to say, “with his blood on them.”
At the end you mention it, which I am assuming is the gate but I’m not quite sure. Also she is doing the running now, and not telling us about what happened a while ago. Or so I am assuming, so I am pretty sure it should be, “I ran.” Present tense and not past tense.
This makes it sound like the scream refuses to believe what you did. I believe you are trying to imply that YOU don’t believe it so I would clarify that.
This part doesn’t really flow. You keep saying my, and it just felt like a random tag on to the sentence. I would either cut it or change the whole thing. Here’s an example. “I could feel a scream stick in my throat as I struggled to comprehend what I had just done. Tears ran down my face as I pelted through the rain
Kid seems like such a detached word choice. I would say child, or son, or something that connects this child to her more. And I think I did that right with the colon, though I’m not sure :p
This sentence sounds like she is looking, instead of searching for help which is what I think you are trying to say. If so cut out so it helps it to flow.
Get rid of the period.
Once again his blood is on your skin and not inside of it. Also it should be freezing.
Where are the periods and commas in this sentence…
I didn’t really understand this. Did you mean least expected?
AHAH! This is why she is so messed up, scary movies! Just made me laugh cause she does seem to be in one at the moment
You need to watch this. His body isn’t inside of the floor, but on top of ti.
Cursed seems like a random thing to stick at the end of this.
Hahaha okay first I thought she was stripping here. PLEASE clarify that she is cleaning his body with her shirt since I think that is what is happening!
Whoa… where did this creepy voice come from?
Okay, so you have a good start here, it just needs to be cleaned up a bit. Watch your spelling, and fragmented sentences, along with what tense you are right in. Also remember that things are either inside of something or on something. I am in the room, since if I said on the room it would apply I was on top of it. But his blood is on me, because if it was in me it would be my blood.
Other than that you are writing well. I like the emotion and horror you are trying to convey but would try to take it a step further if you could. Also I would do something about that voice at the end because it felt very random at out of place. Maybe have it whisper and talk to her early on, and from there you could have her struggle with what to do as it talks to her. I don’t know, just an idea. Good start and keep writing!
Heyhey. Kaedee here to review! Welcome to YWS :3
What is "it"? Do you mean that the sky stopped raining when the boy died? Then, you could re-write that sentence like this: It stopped raining at the same moment my son's life ended.The main problem with this story, is that it's hard for the reader to understand what's going on in this piece. It's confusing. Being more specific would really make your piece better, like in parts like these:
or: The sky stopped raining at the same moment my son's life ended.
What did she ever do? It seems like the only person this mother kills in the end is the man/person who killed her son. But, she's feeling guilty before she even does that.
What kind of noise? A creak? Be a little more descriptive.
This story definitely needs some work, since the storyline isn't so clear. You should expand this, and explain more about what's going on.
I hope I helped a bit! Good luck. If you have any questions, send me a PM or leave me a message on my wall anytime. Keep on writing-
Kae