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The Assassin

by Adrian


The Assassin

Approaching its victim suspiciously on a dark street, a walking shadow appeared out of nowhere. Walking pass his victim, he told him to run away and pulled put a gun out of his pocket. 

Walking on a rainy night at a narrow, dark street, the victim didn’t notice the shadow. He thought he was alone, so he walked confidently to his house. Little didhe know that a shadow followed him for the past thirty minutes. 

Peter, a sixteen-year-old boy, did not notice the shadow approaching him until he was told to run away. Peacefully walking, he wore his headphones while listening to pop music. Being a fan of Shawn Mendes wasn’t easy, he had posters of him in his room. He lived happily until fear and anxiousness collapsed his mind. 

Telling Peter to run, the shadow calmly pulled out a gun. Horrified, Peter whitened his face and did what he was told to. Anxiously, he began to run trying to escape. He ran at full speed, totally unaware that the shadow had its gun aiming at his back. While shooting Peter, the shadow tried to increase the damage. The sound of the gun silenced the rain’s noise. As the shadow approached the corpse, it hit the ground and lied calmly on the ground. The magazine was emptied on the warm corpse. It looked as if he was a dummy in a shooting range. The bullets were inserted into his body while blood ran away from his body as trying to escape from the bullets. 

Being satisfied with his work, the shadow simply looked at the boy’s poor corpse and smiled while hiding the gun on the same pocket that he had pulled it out before. Awkwardly, he looked away and walked firmly to somewhere. Could It be his house? Could it be the victims house?


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Thu Jun 10, 2021 9:13 am
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey there, Adrian! I hope you're having a good day!

I'll get right into it.

Approaching its victim suspiciously on a dark street, a walking shadow appeared
out of nowhere.

Good one-line hook, although the "suspiciously" is unnecessary.

Walking pass his victim, he told him to run away and
pulled put a gun out of his pocket.

I think you mean walking past his victim.

Peter, a sixteen-year-old boy, did not notice the shadow approaching him
until he was told to run away.

You already established that he didn't notice the shadow, and I'm a stickler for not having repetitions.

Being a fan of Shawn Mendes
wasn’t easy,

..why not? Why on earth not?

Horrified, Peter
whitened his face and did what he was told to.

Don't say he whitened his face, say he went pale/white. It isn't a voluntary action.

He ran at full speed, totally unaware that the
shadow had its gun aiming at his back.

How could he not know, when the shadow pulled it out right in front of him before telling him to run?

While shooting Peter, the
shadow tried to increase the damage.

By doing what? Explain.

it hit the ground and lied calmly on the ground.

*lay* calmly. Not lied.
And "calmly" is a very weird word to use here. Perhaps you could replace it with "still."

The bullets were inserted into his body

Contrary to what you were trying to do, this doesn't create a cool visual. It just sounds silly. "inserted" is too gentle a word to be used in describing how the bullets bury themselves in a corpse.

boy’s poor corpse

The words need to be rearranged to read "the poor boy's corpse."

Awkwardly, he looked
away and walked firmly to somewhere.

Quite a clumsy sentence.
"He looked away, then walked off to an unknown destination" sounds a little more solid. And it doesn't have any grammar problems.
Why is he awkward, anyway?

Could It be his house? Could it
be the victims house?

I don't see the need for these questions if you just say he went to an unknown destination. The questions only made the ending feel very awkward.


Frankly, I'm not terribly impressed with the story, mainly because of the grammar, which needs a lot of work. I suggest you use Grammarly for some time to improve your writing skills. Or just read more, and observe how sentences are phrased.
The structure/format was pretty interesting; they look like stanzas, which lends an almost poetic quality to this piece.
The plot is also okay, although it's not going to be able to single-handedly carry your story. And I don't know enough about the characters, action, and setting to actually feel anything. My emotions were completely flat. I wasn't thrilled or scared. I didn't see what this story is trying to do.
But it's a good effort, and I'm sure with practice you can do much better. Happy writing!

~ Lee

PS: If anything I said offended you, I'm sorry. I'm genuinely trying to help. I'm not trying to be mean or anything. I'd love to see you improve. :)




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Tue Jun 08, 2021 10:32 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi it's Dossereana here to review your short story. So let's get right into it shell we.

Approaching its victim suspiciously on a dark street, a walking shadow appeared
out of nowhere. Walking pass his victim, he told him to run away and
pulled put a gun out of his pocket.


Wow this was a great line to start it all of, I was instantly hocked. Gosh who is this man with a gun? and who is he aiming for?

Walking on a rainy night at a narrow, dark street, the victim didn’t notice
the shadow. He thought he was alone, so he walked confidently to his
house. Little didhe know that a shadow followed him for the past
thirty minutes.


Wow this poor victim why's this person going after him like this.
Okay this is really good so far, you got me really hocked to the hole thing, but your probably wondering why didhe is in bold, well that should be spelt: did he, easy to forget to ad a space, don't worry it's not a big thing.

Peter, a sixteen-year-old boy, did not notice the shadow approaching him
until he was told to run away. Peacefully walking, he wore his
headphones while listening to pop music. Being a fan of Shawn Mendes
wasn’t easy, he had posters of him in his room. He lived happily
until fear and anxiousness collapsed his mind.


Gosh Peter is only sixteen, I can't believe this, and this person want's to shoot him ouch what did he do wrong. Hu Pop music the classic's for when ya want a good jig. Also I must say Shawn's pretty good at his singing.

Being satisfied with his work, the shadow simply looked at the
boy’s poor corpse and smiled while hiding the gun on the same
pocket that he had pulled it out before. Awkwardly, he looked
away and walked firmly to somewhere. Could It be his house? Could it
be the victims house?


Nice end, now I'm really wondering about these two last questions, who's house is it? I must say I love gory story's I no I'm weird that way, but this was so cool to read.

Okay so that's all I can say about this, thank you so much for giving me a great read I really in joyed it a lot. I hope to read more from you in the future. :)

I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world your on.

@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement




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Mon Jun 07, 2021 7:41 am
greg27 says...



Good story, i like the details




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Mon Jun 07, 2021 7:40 am
dumptruck12 says...



Amazing!!!! Love it.




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Mon Jun 07, 2021 7:36 am
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hxrryp10 says...



love your story




Adrian says...


thank you




The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
— Chinese proverb