I'm told:
Some people live in the flattest of plains.
They pray on their god to keep it that way.
They gift each hiker, the scared and the brave,
with Death, Depression, Exile, and Shame.
I'm told:
That each mountaineer making the climb,
bury their feelings, deep, deep inside.
And when I was told this, quite late at night
The hush of their whisper stung like a knife
[Author's note: Yay, first poem here! I'd be happy discussing any strength's or flaws, and I'd love to here people's interpretations.]
[Oh, and the title is made on a whim. I didn't like the one I had before, but I wanted to publish this anyway.]
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139,299 Literary Works • 672,525 Reviews
Hello!
This poem delves into the emotional weight of climbing personal or metaphorical mountains, and the burdens that come with such journeys. The contrast between the flat plains and the rugged mountains symbolizes the different emotional landscapes people navigate. The "flattest of plains" represents a desire for stability and simplicity, while the mountain climbers face more complex, often painful challenges.
The imagery of Death, Depression, Exile, and Shame as gifts from the plains introduces a stark and somber tone, highlighting the harsh realities some individuals confront. This juxtaposition of peace with profound hardship effectively illustrates the struggle between comfort and the trials of growth or change.
The portrayal of mountaineers who "bury their feelings, deep, deep inside" conveys a sense of internal struggle and emotional repression. This metaphor captures the intensity of the emotional journey and the personal sacrifices made during it. The final line, where the whisper stings "like a knife," powerfully conveys the pain of hearing such truths, especially when one is vulnerable or seeking understanding.
Your use of vivid imagery and metaphors creates a haunting yet reflective mood, inviting readers to ponder the emotional costs of their own life journeys. The poem’s exploration of internal conflict and the harsh truths of personal struggle is both poignant and relatable. It offers a thoughtful commentary on the nature of emotional endurance and the burdens carried by those who face life's more challenging paths.
Hello Hello I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I will apologize that this might be as in-depth as normal but I hope it can brighten your day. However, I should stop rambling and say let's get into it shall we?
Overall I really enjoyed the energy in this piece. I feel this could be seen in a horror movie somewhere as the imagery sets up such a cool conflict. I was picturing an isolated cult that " deals" with outsiders for their god. I would love to see this expanded into something more but I do recognize the length adds to the uneasiness.
I don't have any feedback this time around.
I am so sorry this is short but I hope to see more from you if ever come back. I hope you are enjoying your life out there. As always keep writing and drink water!
what you were told were through in the sense of how it happened
loved the way you put the idea into writing
a lovely piece
Hello!
Personally, I do really like the title. How I see it, it ties in the poem being about places and emotions/things no human should feel. At least, that's how I see it. If you don't thing the title of a work quite matches the work itself, just call it a creative choice. I like the title though.
I like your use of colons after "I'm told" each time. I'm a bit punctuation nerd, and I love to see colons, hyphens, and semicolons used correctly. Great job with that!
My favorite lines from the poem are probably the last two. "And when I was told this, quite late at night/The hush of their whisper stung like a knife." I like these two for multiple reasons. The first of the two ties in the aforementioned "I'm told" lines. As for the second of the two, I love the simile you used. This couldn't have been wrote better!
Overall, I really love the poem. It's short, which is the best way for some poems to be. In just those ten lines (unless I counted incorrectly, which is possible), you included a ton of well-worded thoughts and a great challenge to the way someone would think.
I absolutely love the poem!
I can't wait to read more from you!
Have a wonderful day/night!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Oooh this is quite the intriguing little poem here. Its got a nice little duality to it in the idea of people telling this person how to feel about something and the opinions almost differ although the advice itself is quite clearly continuing. I don't know maybe its the way you split them up that makes it seem that way but I'm not entire sure.
I really love the imagery there talking about what I personally think is how these people live in a world where they hardly experience hardship and then pray as much as they can that their life stays the same but they go ahead and tell everyone else around them to be scared and ashamed no matter who they are. Quite a potent message that and then we ring into what they do to enforce this forcing everything to bottle up their feelings and tell no one.
Then I think we hit hard on the personal note where the narrator here was told this late at night, probably after a terrible tragedy and this whole thing is the result of the pain and suffering felt on that day. I especially love those last two lines. Its set up well until then with a note on how this advice goes but that's the line that really make the direct impact showing exactly what these people do and with no remorse.
Overall I think a wonderful little poem. The only suggestion I potentially have is to try and either make the part about the narrator being given this advice the very last line only, to make it a bit more potent or to separate that idea into a whole new stanza with a couple more lines and add a few lines to the depiction of this advice. But it is perfectly fine as it is. That's just how I'd probably personally structure it just to lend even more power to the idea of being hurt by this.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hi there! This is Orabella here with a quick review. ^^
First of all, welcome to YWS! If you need anything, please do not hesitate to contact me or another moderator! We'd be happy to help! Or, if you'd just like to chat, (about poetry, about art, about seahorses, anything!), I'm always open.
Anyway, on to the actual review!
This feels like a story, or a narrative, which you don't often find in poetry, so this is a rare and interesting find in itself. I don't think I've seen a poem quite like this before; it's very stylized and unique, but has a lot of structure taken from other poetry. I think the uniqueness of the premise and words mixes very well with the structure.
Speaking of structure, I love the structure you have here! The "I'm told:" is especially prominent, and I think it's what makes me feel like this is a story, a folk tale perhaps, or a legend. And the way the rhymes are done is something incredible, too. Often, authors can struggle with getting words to rhyme without feeling like it's forced, but this was accomplished extremely well here. The rhyming adds a flow to the poem that is practically perfect, and the words themselves are actually interesting. Rather than, "you" and "too" (which aren't necessarily bad, I should say), you have things like "climb" and "inside" which double as interesting words to keep the reader hooked, which is what "you" and "too" have a hard time accomplishing. I also love that your rhymes are near rhymes, instead of more obvious rhymes. It makes it feel a little more organic and real - more thought out. Looking at the poem, it doesn't rhyme, so it almost feels like finding an easter egg, in a way, because it wasn't obvious before the reader read it; until they heard the rhymes in their head.
As for a "flaw", although it really isn't that - honestly it's more of an opinion than anything else - I'd like to add one thing. Poetry is often hard to follow, and sometimes it's, in a way, meant to be that way, but as this is almost telling a story I thought I'd bring it up. I feel like this isn't very clear, especially the second verse. More on this in a bit.
The poem talks first about a flat plain, which I kind of interpret as a society that values no risks and a fear of taking them. If they shame, exile and the such to the people who would hike, or climb these mountainous plains, then perhaps they are controlling and do not want to stray from the norm. The mountaineers could represent fighting against that mindset and doing something better, but more risky. To me, it seems the idea of people climbing the mountains is a touchy subject, and the narrator only knew through whispers, and the people talking of it do not condone it. What was your meaning behind everything? Did I get anything right?
I think the reason this was unclear, at least at first, was because there was so much information packed into such a little space. It took me a bit to fully process everything that was going on in the poem, and my silly fast-paced brain didn't take enough time to really look at everything and understand. I should mention: It does make sense. Don't worry I'm not saying it's a complete jumble of words XD it was just hard for me to fully understand everything important right in the first read through. Which may not be your goal. I absolutely love poetry that you have to read multiple times to understand because there's so much more meaning. (It's more fun to read and the author probably had to put more thought into it). So, it really depends on what you were trying to do. If you wanted to have it full of meaning in it's beautiful way, please don't change it! It's literally perfect! If you wanted it to make more sense reading it through to new readers, then you may want to change something. Perhaps lengthen it a touch, to give the reader room to process?
Anyway, I absolutely loved this poem! It was beautiful, it was chalked full of wonderful meaning (even if I didn't interpret it right) and I'm so happy I stumbled on it. Remember, though, to take what you like from this review, and forget the rest. Thanks for writing, sharing, and I hope you have an amazing day/night! Keep writing!
Preface: It's 4:27am for me and I am quite disoriented (I honestly keep feeling like I'm in bed rather than at my desktop,) but I'm too high on caffeine to sleep, so I'll write this instead.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the feedback! I'm also quite glad it turned out story like! I didn't quite end the poem how it probably should have ended (as I said in the preface, I'm high on caffeine,) likely why the poem doesn't make much sense. How about this:
I'm told:
Some people live in the flattest of plains.
They pray on their god to keep it that way.
They gift each hiker, the scared and the brave
with Death, Depression, Exile, and Shame
I'm told:
That each mountaineer making the climb,
bury their feelings deep, deep inside.
When I was told this, by a hiker, at night
The hush of their whisper stung like a knife.
It has a bit less rhythm, so I should revise that. Sadly, I'm too tired to stay up and write, but even worse is I'm too hyper to not reply.
I dunno how to spoiler, but here is the AUTHOR'S INTERPRETATION (any other interpretation is just as valid as mine, but this is the one I intend to convey,) SO BE WARNED. Your interpretation isn't far off, but not quite the mark (mostly my fault for the poor ending.) All the same, I like it. The inspiration for the poem is a conversation I had with someone online about how anti-lgbt where they live is, along with Celeste (the platformer game,) which has a heavy motif on climbing. Anywho, is this rewrite better at conveying such?
Ahh no you should go to sleep!! (To be fair, I was writing this at 12am and stood up longer than that after I'd written this review XD)
Oh yes that does make more sense! I disagree, I think the rhythm is much better now, or at least the way it flows.
I love your interpretation; makes more sense and I love the idea! Knowing this, the poem makes a lot of sense, too. And yes the rewrite is better at conveying it.
It didn't format quite how I envisioned, but I still like it.
And due pardon for the genre, I don't really know what it is.
Now I really don't like the note. I feel so self conscience about it, whyyyyyyy.
At least I can edit this comment. That's something I can do.
Relatable
Also relatable! This is me with literally everything I write XD