Prologue: The Dark Figure
"Abduco!" the boy called, imitating what the man three feet away from him had done; nothing happened. The dark figure laughed humorlessly.
"Of course not." The figure chuckled. "You've truly has never done this before. You don't just automatically get your powers!" The boy, who had dark brown hair, bright blue eyes, and a grim expression playing upon his face, sighed.
"What do I do to get them? Do I have to get a wand?" Aaron picked up a stick off of the forest grounds, and waved it around, looking much like a person that had earned the title 'lunatic.'
The dark figure laughed merrily; an echoing, distant, throaty laugh. The man's dark figure, a cloak covering his head and body, stood in the shadows, flashes of lights dancing around him. "You believe your human tricks will actually work?"
"Earn isn't a word I'm familiar with." Aaron snorted. "Anyways, do you know who I am?"
"Do you know who I am? You never will, unless you learn the key to summoning your powers!" The hooded man once again laughed, and the ground shook; Aaron grabbed onto a near-by tree to make sure he didn't fall.
"Well, how do I do it, then? Become a wizard, I mean?" Aaron said.
"Your childish games wont work," the dark figure said sternly. "You must learn to be brave and find courage if you want to become a wizard. You must quit being so spoiled. You need to be ready for the hard, cold journey, where often times you'll find yourself alone." The dark figures words lingered in the air, and the figure disappeared into the wind. The grass where he had been standing quickly rotted away, leaving a circle of dirt in the midst of the green grass.
"What the heck does that mean?"
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay...well this is a slightly confusing start here. With the descriptions being tossed around at the moment, I genuinely cannot tell if this is a situation where we as the readers have to be worried for this boy or if this boy is simply at some sort of training session for these magic powers that got mentioned here. This is being quite ambiguous at the moment.
Now this is slowly turning into a bit of a dangerous dance of power there...you can definitely sense a light touch of animosity between these two characters here and they seem to be lowkey trash talking each other somewhat as they prepare for something that looks like its going to turn into a fight. At any rate, this has so far been a very intriguing scene here.
I think I do what to echo the words of the protagonist, that was an unusually vague thing to say before this person literally just ran away there..makes me question if the one who's talking about all these rules with such an air of superiority actually knows nothing about what they're saying. Overall, I do think this makes for a pretty fun start here, if a little bit questionable in some small parts here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hm. Interesting...but...
My pet peeves will come out and play now. I don't mean to offend, but if I don't let them...
1. Adverbs. To quote Stephen King: "The road to * is paved in adverbs." Adverbs are bad. Try to cut them out. Anything with -ly is probably an adverb. Look for them. Kill them.
2. Prologues are last season. Try and start without one, if possible. I use them, but, hey, I'm unpublished. So... That's what Orson Scott Card wrote...more or less. Except not as weirdly as I did.
3. "Heck" was a word invented by the uptight Christians of today. If this is ancient, he'd probably say it cleanly--like the old uptight Christians did. Especially if this is based in the UK, or another European nation with a strong Christian populace. Otherwise, look up what the culture's equivalence is of it. Or look up old swear words (if this is based in times past--I wouldn't know). If it isn't in times past, I'm a bit confused...just because in my mind fantasy = old, mostly. Unless it's urban fantasy... So, bias. *shrugs*
4. Cloaked men are sort of cliche. Try and make it different, or add more details to help the reader see something new, if you want to keep your cloaked man.
5. "The dark figures words lingered in the air, and the figure disappeared into the wind." Figure's. Also, how? Did he break into little pieces? Atoms? What? *is curious*
6. Will this stay in TPO? If so, try and be a bit more interesting with your descriptions of the people. Don't make it like with a police thing-y. Tall, brown hair, has a tattoo. Add colour.
So, that's about it. I think the other's have you taken care of, otherwise. I like it, want to read more, but I'd probably rather read the latest fantasy by the lovely Mrs. Williams. So, I hope in future edits, my advice helps. Also, good luck and I do hope to see more, as there isn't really enough to properly edit...
Anyway, congrats on posting, too. Takes bravery.
-Casper
Hey there
Alright, this is a good start. You have to realize though the whole wizard thing is very overdone, so you must make your plot and characters shine through.
Honestly, I kept getting confused who was talking. Your dialogue tags were a little misleading, and it was difficult to follow along. Be sure to make it clear who’s talking when the conversation goes back and forth like that.
Also, I noticed that you repeated ‘the figure’ a lot. This seems a little too vague. If you knew it was a man, why didn’t you just say ‘the man’ or ‘the stranger’. A figure could be anything; a ghost, an outline of a shape; so don’t make it more difficult than it is. And if this person was completely covered up by their cloak, then how do you even know it was a man? Was it his voice? You never really say.
Besides that, I enjoyed reading this. Good luck with the next parts!
~blacksheep
This is pretty good. Though, I do agree with MangoTango, the shadows bit confused me. Otherwise, a very good start. Keep writing, I can't wait to read the rest.
Hello there! So I'm going to do a really quick review for this piece because its rather small. That being said, I'm going to skip my four usual categories, replacing them with a nit-picks section and an overall.
So on with the show!
Nit-picks:
I would change 'evilly'. It makes the piece sound juvenile and simple. Maybe 'manically'? or 'malevolently'? It's really up to you.
The comma should be a period. Unless the word is 'said' or 'asked' or anything like that, or if the line of dialogue connects to the line of dialogue after the break, its always a period!
If they are in a forest, theres sticks everywhere. The reader doesn't need to know that it fell from the middle tree exactly. Its just a stick xD.
Here we have common redundancy. When you're formulating your paragraphs, try not to use a noun or adjective twice, especially in the same sentence. It creates and unwanted repetition which the reader catches onto.
This line doesn't make much sense in the context given. You might want to rephrase it to 'Do you actually think humans tricks will earn you anything?'
How do you snort heartily? xD
There should be a comma behind 'figures' as, in this case, you are addressing a person and not a thing.
Overall:
Though the wizard topic is often overused, this is a good start! Really try to formulate a good, solid plotline. In this case, we only have a very short glimpse into the story so its hard to get the just of character or setting. That and you should always remember the beginning, middle, and end clause!
Fair thee well!
~The.Dreamwalker
This is great so far! I can't wait to read the rest of the story. I'm really drawn into this story, and can't wait to see how Aaron turns out.
Maybe you can find a synonym for shadows.The only part that confused be was
xx Mangooo