Young Writers Society

Quick comment.
I really like the way it started out and you made the reader want to read more but it was kind of flat at the end of the poem. Maybe you could try to keep up the rhyming throughout the entire poem. Overall, I thought it was good. Keep writing!:)

When smiles aren't enough,
And the truth is too rough,
I think of you.

When the sky is gray,
And the sun runs away,
I think of you.

When time takes too long to pass,
And there is nothing but stress,
I think of you.

When the only rain I see is tears,
And your not there to help me through,
I think of you.

I think of you at night,
In the middle of the day,
I think of you.

I think of you when it rains,
When the sun shines,
I think of you.

I think of you twenty four hours a day,
I think of you more than I care to say.
I think about you all the time.

I think about how I wish you were mine.
I think about how your smile used to light up my day,
I think about how you used to be.

But, most of all, I think about you, in relation to me,
And how our relationship used to be.
I think of you.

Hello.

I agree with the reviewers above me, the rhyme scheme was sloppy. I think though that you tried to use a lot of metaphors in this poem which is definitely a good place to start your poetry. Never mind the rhyme scheme for the moment, just make sure that you're giving the reader images and not simply prosaic words.

The rhyme scheme really constricts this poem. I can almost feel you thinking of a word that rhymes with the last line just to force the rhyming. I think word choice and painting the picture you really want to show the reader is more important than the rhyme scheme. However, if you're really intent on rhyming, I suggest you read this poem out loud and fix a syllable here and there in order to make the rhyme work or change your words altogether. The rhyming really is the sore part of this poem for me, it takes something away from the imagery you were trying to paint.

Honestly the repetition also bothered me a lot. The I think of you got tedious after the first three stanzas. I think you're trying to keep consistency in this poem by repeating the lines, but I think it would be enough to perhaps use the I think of you in the first and last stanzas of this poem. The profuseness of the word 'think' in your last few stanzas really became tiring. I felt like I was listening to a friend rant about her boyfriend leaving.

Aside from that, I really think you've got the potential to write better pieces. You've got a few good metaphors in this poem and I really suggest you work on creating more vivid images for the reader to feast upon. I also find that reading a lot of poetry helps me think of more ways to use words in order to express what I really want to say in poetry.

Anyway, I hope this helped and I'll be glad to read more from you.

--Nixie

Thanks for the comments- I'll see what I can do about the rhyming.

I like this - it's sweet. It's got a nice sound.

But I agree with the person above me, the rhyme scheme should be consistent and carry on throughout the entire piece, unless you're breaking it with purpose. That said, I don't see a clear purpose for breaking the rhyme scheme in your poem.

Also, in this verse:

"When the only rain I see is tears,
And your not there to help me through,
I think of you."

You just need a "you're" instead of the "your".

I like the repetition of the "I think of you." line throughout the poem - it's got nice repetition.

Overall, I think it's nice! Just fix up the rhyme scheme.

AdoxagraphyAngelus wrote:

When smiles aren't enough,
And the truth is too rough,
I think of you.

When the sky is gray,
And the sun runs away,
I think of you.

When time takes too long to pass,
And there is nothing but stress, #0000FF ">You abandoned the rhyme here.
I think of you.

When the only rain I see is tears,
And your not there to help me through, #0000FF ">And here
I think of you.

I think of you at night, #0000FF ">And also here
In the middle of the day,
I think of you.

I think of you when it rains, #0000FF ">Once more
When the sun shines,
I think of you.

I think of you twenty four hours a day,
I think of you more than I care to say.
I think about you all the time.

I think about how I wish you were mine.
I think about how your smile used to light up my day,
I think about how you used to be.

But, most of all, I think about you, in relation to me,
And how our relationship used to be.
I think of you.