LEGACY OF
THRONE
Once upon a there was a kingdom of “THEBES” in somewhere in Europe. It was established from almost 200 years. The people under Thebe's kingdom were happy and civilized due to the Thebes governance. However, everything has a limit. The Lord Arthur had a son named Thorin, who was expected for next Thebe’s King. Thorin had never valued peoples need and always valued the luxuries he had. One day Arthur, Thorin and their army left for battle against evil-minded, emperor named Zod, for defending Theb the capital of Thebe’s. The both army got many loss. However, Theb was defended, but Thebe’s 500 soldiers and their King Arthur was martyred. This was the blackest day for people of Thebe’s. Thorin had became King, after some days Thorin, his Queen and his loyal guards were gone for hunting in woods, eventually Zod attacked Theb in midnight. In midnight without King and preparation of battle Thebe’s can’t survive that attack and Zod conquered Theb. Zod send his soldiers for killing Thorin and bring his sword and crown but Thorin was known of situation due to messenger and they were preparing for leave but Zod soldier reached. Thorin and Queen escaped but his guards were martyred, but according to Thebe’s Law “New King can made when he has previous King crown and sword” but Thorin had escaped so he forbidden that law and created law which state “The person who sits on a King throne when King is not present in the Theb will be the new King”. In a single day Thebe’s 200 years history was been vanished. The dark era on Thebe’s was started. Thorin and Queen hidden their personality and started living in a small village called “HAG”. They had child boy Osborn. Some years were passed the Thorin worked as craft man. One day someone noticed Thorin and informed it to Zod he ordered to kill them. He known of someone noticed them and they were leaving Hag but guards attacked them they flew towards village “Katt” where his most loyal friend Thomas had been living. He dropped his son outside his house and written him letter of taking his care. They both ran away and no one listened of those both after that day. After 25 years, Osborn was 30 years old. He had became courageous soldier in Zod army and was popular because of his leadership and braveness. He and other brave soldiers were invited at feast in Zod Palace. At the palace Osborn and daughter of Zod’s “Aura” came in eye contact and fell in love. Aura and Osborn informed Zod about their love and due to his Courage, Leadership and Loyalty Zod accepted it. Before their wedding Thomas goes to village “Ricumberg” along Osborn outside the Zod’s kingdom territory. Where he met the Old Person living alone and let Osborn met with him.
Osborn asked “What is your name, Sir?”
He replied “my name is Thorin the Jewel of Throne!!!!! And you my son Osborn the Legacy of Throne!!!!!
Osborn had shocked. He asked Thomas that is truth and Thomas confirms it. Thorin tells Osborn that he had lost Father your Grandfather, he has lost Wife your Mother and lost Thebe’s trust because of Zod. Few days are left for me but you are the only person who can stop Zod’s evilness and cruelty. Osborn was confused between the revenge and love. He decided to meet the man known because of his wisdom.
Osborn asked “Leader should fight for Justice or deny it because of Love?
The man replied “This is the same question I had asked from King Arthur and he replied: If you want to be Leader the Justice should be your first priority because justice is an only trait which makes society stabilized.”
Osborn listened to him and asked “Do you think there is someone who can end Zod’s cruelty?”
He replied “It’s hard to end Zod’s cruelty. One saint said to me one day Zod Empire will be destroyed by a person who has Thebe’s Blood and Legacy of Throne in his will.”
Osborn decided to bring back Thebe’s Throne. He met with his father Thorin for advice. As Thorin advised he started meeting people who were rebellions in Zod’s Empire. While he was busy in making alliance and creating disturbance and misunderstanding in Zod army Zod went to meet a predictionist for a good day to held his daughter wedding but when he returned he was shocked and confused because predictionist said that your Empire will be soon destroyed by one of Thebe’s and he is much near to you. Zod ordered to spy and check history of every person who usually comes to palace. Osborn continued meeting rebellions and spy noticed him. Spy informed Zod he ordered to check his history and Zod was informed that he is adopted by a Thomas and his parents are unknown. Zod invited Osborn and Thomas at his palace to trap them. They reached palace. Zod arrested both of them and tortured to ask about Osborn parents. Thomas didn’t said a word in loyalty of friend and King but Osborn said truth for saving Thomas but they killed Thomas but due to Aura influence they just prisoned Osborn and Zod decided to marry his daughter Aura with Kent’s prince Thesis. On that day Osborn had lost Thomas and Aura almost. His rage of revenge had been became fire which was unstoppable. After few days Thorin knew about his son prison and Thomas murder and he decided to complete what Zod had began. Due to Zod behavior some of soldiers joined rebellions. Many of the rebellions turn back on Thorin after hearing of Osborn arrestment. Thorin’s army had limited men and resources. Thorin was dead for Zod and Thorin could attack without warning but he decided to attack bravely with announcing of war. Thorin has first gone to Zod Palace to challenge him but Zod didn’t recognize him.
Zod asked: “Who are you?”
Thorin said: “The Jewel of Throne.”
Zod said: “Thorin you are alive. I loved to kill you”
Thorin replied: “you are the biggest coward I have ever seen. While having lots of resources and soldiers but you attacked Theb while people were sleeping you had fear of Thebe’s and you still fear from them.”
Zod angrily said: “Fear from you ants. You all are under beneath my toes and don’t forget that you are in my palace and I can kill you right now right here.”
Thorin replied: “Do you think I am afraid. I came here to take my throne from you and I will take it!!”
Zod said: “I am much more powerful than you and I will kill you and every person who helped you.”
Thorin said: “You can prove it by having a battle. If you win Thebe’s will end and if I win your kingdom will vanished.”
Zod replied: “I glad to see you dead on battlefield.”
Both army started preparation of battle near a mount outside the Theb. Zod’s army was much larger than Thebe’s. Thebe’s camp was higher on mount than Zod’s. Thebe’s used mind and take advantage of the situation. Both of army were assembled and they start marching towards each other but unexpectedly Thorin stopped his army everyone was confused. Thorin had kept some of his soldiers beside his army to create disturbance on mountains and directed avalanche towards Zod army. That avalanche was not ended and Thebe’s started throwing barrels of water towards them. Zod’s army obtained many losses by the barrel of water and avalanche. Zod’s send his messenger for reinforcement but no answer came because Osborn and Thorin was knew of being spied and they plan to be arrested because Thorin didn’t had much larger army and resources and they were afraid from Zod’s reinforcement so they used Zod’s Law into their favor when Zod’s army leaved Theb the hidden friends of Osborn in army unlock him up and help him in getting towards Palace. Osborn and his friends fought and reached towards Kings Throne and sit on it. The Zod’s Law was been implemented that stated “The person who sits on a King throne when King is not present in the Theb will be the new King”. Osborn Ordered to every soldier to stop fighting with Zod and arrest him and hand-him-over to Thorin. Messenger informed army and Zod was been inform of the situation. He became very furious and order soldiers to full attack but no one implemented his order instead soldiers arrested him and hand-him-over to Thorin and left battlefield because he was no more king and his behavior had made his soldiers to hate him. Osborn had also send message to his father that kill him and dig her body in battlefield. He doesn’t want to see a face of person who killed his mother, grandfather and his most beloved uncle. Thorin killed Zod and ended Dark era on Thebes. Thorin came to Theb where everyone greeted him. He reached Palace where his son Osborn greeted him. Aura came to knew about his father murder she came to palace when Osborn was gone out of the city to claim his father a King but Aura was unknown of Osborn past and killed the Thorin by knife while he was sitting on Throne and one guard kill her too. Osborn came back to palace he saw the two persons whom he most loved had died. Osborn was broken. That day he had everything but nothing. He had kingdom but no one whom he had loved. He continued Thebe’s kingdom but the most nearest peoples to Osborn had never saw smile on his face after that day.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi Adnan, Lael here to review your work!

First of all, I agree with everything Junel said in their review, especially when it comes to the big paragraphs. Separating the paragraphs will help readers to follow the story better and help you with organizing your thought process.
Also, when you have dialogue, try to vary the words somewhat from the standard "said" and "replied" you have here, and place it in difference parts of the sentence. It creates an effect, and it won't feel as formulaic. And the most important thing to note--when one writes dialogue, the verb such as "said" would be followed by a comma (not a colon) when placed at the beginning of the sentence.
To conclude, it would behoove you to glance over your story again, to catch any grammar mistakes you may have missed. Also, in literary works such as a story (especially since this is fantasy and therefore more like of the old times) it's not usually proper to use all capital letters for names, which don't need the quotes around them either. It is okay to just name the kingdom/town/etc. without putting quotation marks around it.
I hope this review helped! Keep at it!
~Lael
As this was my first novel so I was not well informed about formation.Thanks for review. I will try to implement both of your advice's.
Hey there, I enjoyed reading this!
First I have to say yikes there are some VERY long paragraphs in here, you really should split them up. Having such long paragraphs can detour readers because it can be quite difficult to follow and it strains the eyes.
Second, like all writers you do have some grammatical errors, I'll point out a few here, but it can never hurt to read over something another time to find some you might have missed originally.
just get rid of this extra in
this should just be for
replace this with to be the
My final critic is all your dialogue had the speaker before the actual words said, it'll help the flow if you switch the position of each of these.
Overall I really enjoyed this and it's really creative, keep writing, and I hope this review helps you improve as a writer.
Sláinte -Junel
Thank you sir. This was my first novel thanks for advice