Authors Note: This was a classwork assignment where I took two songs and used lyrics to tell a story through a poem. This one is about a drug addiction that eventually leads to a suicide. Please read the note at the bottom before reading the poem itself, or you'll be really confused. This is using lyrics from Fade To Black and Master Of Puppets.
I’m your source of self destruction
Leading on your death’s construction
Dedicated to
How I’m killing you
I have lost the will to live
Things aren’t what they used to be
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Obey your master
Master of puppets
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Just call my name and I’ll here you scream
No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
I was me but now he’s gone.
Death greets me warm, now I will say goodbye
Note: First and Third stanzas are from Drug’s POV and Second and Fourth stanzas are from Addict’s POV.
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Hello, I'm SecreteJournalist, but feel free to call me Brie
I will admit, I have had to do found poems for class, they are rather hard! Now, on to the review!
I am going to review it stanza by stanza. Before I do, a note, to separate stanzas, hold shift and enter!
I’m your source of self destruction
Leading on your death’s construction
Dedicated to
How I’m killing you
I like this, but realize, don't capitalize every line, and don't forget punctuation! Either than that, great
I have lost the will to live
Things aren’t what they used to be
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Don't forget punctuation! Either than that, I like the idea of this a lot so far.
Obey your master
Master of puppets
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Just call my name and I’ll here you scream
This stanza shined out to me, I like it a lot. Besides punctuation, its great!
No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
I was me but now he’s gone.
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye
I feel the last line of this is a little shaky, maybe you could try 'Death greets me warm, now I will say goodbye.'
Basically meaning, the just doesn't have to be there.
Overall, I love this poem, and with a little work, it will be great!
Keep writing </3
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hey, Icy here to review for you!
I really like the concept for this poem although it took me a moment to work out that the first and second stanzas were close together in the formatting (despite your note at the bottom). Maybe you could edit it and just add a space there to avoid any further confusion?
You've got a bit of random capitalisation in the first stanza and I'm not 100% sure if it was intentional. Either way I'm not sure it works!
The only comment I've got on the actual content of the poem is the last line of the last stanza. The 'now I will just say goodbye' doesn't seem on par with the quality of the rest of your poem. It seems too forced, as though you were looking to fill the syllables but weren't sure how to go about it. I like the idea of saying goodbye but I think it needs rewording.
Overall awesome job and I look forward to seeing some of your other work sometime!
Icy.
Thanks for the review! I tried fixing the first two stanzas but it still isn't working for me. I also fixed the capitalization at the beginning. Thanks for pointing that out. I wasn't allowed to change the lyrics to the song so I was stuck with that, but I think its fine. Anyways, thanks for reviewing my poem!
Just a another note, each stanza is four lines so right after the line "How I'm killing you" is a new stanza because something happened and it's not spacing between the stanzas