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The Land of Opportunity

by AdmiralKat


When two children, Erick, 5 and Ashlin, 3 were abandoned by their mother in Mexico, their father decided to step in and help them by bringing them across the border to their aunt, in Oakland. When they attempted to go across the border without proper documents, they were stopped and the father was deported, which broke their hearts and hopes. (Scheerr, 2014) These unfortunate people came to America because they were told it was the “Land of the Free” but when they came to the border they were stopped. Is this the message that should be shown to other countries? Wasn’t this country made to welcome people in? Today, government officials are now offering to seal the border in an attempt to end disputes. In reality, sealing the border between the United States and Mexico shouldn’t be permitted because it destroys the message of America being the “Land of the Free”.

Any fence can be climbed but the meaning of it is always there. As Secretary of Homeland Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff (2007) put it, "I think the fence has come to assume a certain kind of symbolic significance which should not obscure the fact that it is a much more complicated problem than putting up a fence which someone can climb over with a ladder or tunnel under with a shovel." The wall would serve no purpose other than to show to people from Central America that they aren’t welcome in America. Such a message does not truly represent what the land of opportunity is supposed to be about. The States shouldn’t stand for a message such as this. Instead, America should show a message in which everyone is welcome.

The idea of this message is why many Mexicans would want to move to the United States. According to Pew Research (2009), 1/3 Mexicans would want to migrate to the United States with 18% of them willing to do it illegally. They want the chances of the State’s economic opportunity, so they can provide for themselves and their families. Since Mexico is a stage 2 country the death rates are decreasing and so it is harder for their economy to provide for them with the massive amounts of people. The wall that could be build would just make more families go into poverty and it would show to the children of these families that they aren’t welcome into the land of opportunity. These children will never get to have the benefits of more fortunate children in the United States.

Overall, the 2000 mile border between the United States and Mexico shouldn’t be build. It creates not so much a physical border but a symbolic border on what could be the “land of opportunity” for the people of Mexico, giving them the wrong idea about America. Mexico has not been doing well with their economy and they need the United States to help support themselves. These people may go to America to seek economic opportunity for themselves and families. If they are forced to stay in Mexico because of the border, they might have a lot of trouble with finding a way to stay out of poverty. The message on what America is that is given to these family is not “The Land of the Free” or “The Land of Opportunity”. With that border blocking the way, the Mexican families think of the States as “the land that is blocked from them”. Should this wall really need to be installed? Does this message really need to be shown to the poor people who just want a better life?

*I have some things that I would like edited specifically on this such as:

  • Grammar(tenses, my use of personal pronouns, subject-verb agreement, pronoun agreement, a passive voice and sentence structure)
  • Good Transitions
  • Good Topic Sentences
  • Correct use of commas(be as picky as you want)
  • Tone(I am aiming to be serious)
  • Should my title be in quotation marks or not?
  • Overall, my focus on the subject!* Thanks! :D


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317 Reviews


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Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:17 am
lostthought wrote a review...



Ok. So an article- I suppose you want it edited before it's due? Alright then, let's see what I can do.

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
As Secretary of Homeland Secretary of Homeland Security

"As Secretary of Homeland Secretary of Homeland Security"? How about As the Secretary of Homeland Security

Any fence can be climbed but the meaning of it is always there

You need a comma between "climbed" and "but"

Since Mexico is a stage 2 country the death rates

A comma between "country" and "the"

decreasing and so it is harder for their economy

A comma between "decreasing" and "and". May I also suggest taking out "so" (if you feel uncomfortable with this, try using and, in turn, it is harder


The tone I read here is charismatic persuasion and seriousness. A good combo if you are writing a persuasion essay. It leads your readers to sympathize with what you are saying. I hope you don't mind if your tone sounds persuasive!

Yes, please quote the title. Since the title represents the story, quotations will make your reader wonder why the Author thinks that America is not truly the land of opportunity.

Well, as to your focus, I can't say (mainly because I hardly remember what "focus" is!)

~Lost




AdmiralKat says...


:D Thanks for the review! Everything was extremely helpful! Hopefully, I'll get a great grade on this paper. 0-o It's like half a test grade(that's A LOT)



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Sat Oct 25, 2014 6:13 am
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MooCowPoop wrote a review...



Hello there,

First of all, let's talk about that thesis. To even have a good topic sentence (or essay for that matter) , one must first have a good thesis. Theses contain the arguments to be discussed throughout the essay. they, more importantly, service guidelines for the reader. You're thesis is lacking the essentials, and I think that is because you haven't got your arguments solidly down. Never fear, I can help you with this.

You first paragraph:
It seems like you are arguing that closing the borders ironically goes against the United states' so oft-harped, yet utterly misused message: Land of Opportunity. How can it be so if the opportunity to come here is not provided to all? With that said, I believe you attempted to get to this part in the essay, but barely swiped it. This part,

The wall would serve no purpose other than to show to people from Central America that they aren’t welcome in America.
this is good. It is clear, gives us no bias, just explains the previous quote very well.

once you've gotten the argument for your paragraph down, pluck out the heartbeat of the paragraph(the one that provides the just of your argument), and create a similar one to form a topic sentence. Once you do that, you can place the similar to your thesis, and that way, your argument is almost pulled together.

However, the parts after that are a little fuzzy. In stead of saying just what America should do, make your argument stronger by also saying how. Tie it into why this isn't the Land of Opportunity. Do this by saying that lying to the world about opportunities it for a others is just exclusionist and selfish. Also, how could it show that everyone is welcome? Give us the ways instead of just telling us. You don't want to sound like a person who doesn't know their stuff.

These are the basic strategies to writing a good academic essay. Follow them, and they should help you with your next paragraph.

As for all that other stuff you ask for us to correct, you are going to first have to look at act paragraph individuals. For the most part, your commas look like they are in the right places, and your tenses seem pretty good, but I can't give you a "grade" on your transitions because you haven't got the arguments to solidly down yet. Start first with each paragraph, one at a time. Then work your way through the guidelines.

One more thing I wanted to mention was learning what ethos, logos, and pathos were. Logos, I think, would be a very good thing to use I this form of essay. It deals with using logic to make an argument that. However, you talk of young children crisis g the border without patently control, so that may be mote of pathos.

*by the way, your intro is get! very descriptive and persuasive!




AdmiralKat says...


Thank you so much for reviewing! :D Just wanted to mention for your last comment about the logos, pathos and ethos. I have included them all inside there(logos: the stats, pathos: the story and the shame given to America and then ethos: credibility, a.k.a. good sources) Overall, though I am very thankful for this review! I'm really bad at having the overall idea in a story or essay so it's really hard for me to write one. Thanks again! :D




The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
— Bryant McGill