The great body of everything
has powers strange and mighty.
Between men and heaven,
Waves of green span the sphere.
These mountains tower to a greater realm.
Men become divine when they stand
on the strong Blue Mountains where
heroes are born and redeemers die nobly.
On these peaks of nature,
mundane things have no choice but to evolve.
Stories become legends,
men, gods.
I climbed here with an subtle thought,
and will descend with a religion.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hello, darling! I'm here for the Big Review, of course.
This is a quote you can find at the bottom of the page sometimes, and I think it really sums up what I think would need to be fixed to make this more effective. You wrote about the big thing, and disregarded all the little things that would have to go on to make the big thing, all the little things that make this "great body of everything" great and everything.To start with, this poem has some really high aspirations. I can see where you're pulling references and allusions, and I do appreciate that you're trying for a really big idea with this. When done right, big ideas can come across with the magnitude of the universe, after all!
And this is where the critique starts: This didn't come across with that magnitude to me. It didn't feel like it was stating some universal truth, or detailing a mind-blowingly divine event. It felt like it was a poem written to be big and for little other reason.
One of the first reasons why people write is for communication. Why else would we have started putting words down in stone and on paper if we didn't mean for others to read them? And as a result, to the modern day, almost everything we write is done for the purposes of someone else reading it, whether it's the Queen of England or ourselves in five hours. However, reading this poem, it didn't feel like it was communicating to me. It felt like it was existing in its own little bubble in space, trying to be untouchable.
To be honest, for me, it started with your first line. Nothing happened in it. Nothing was really described in it. You start with "The great body of everything", and throughout the poem, I kept expecting you to back up that idea, that vision, that everything with imagery or some startling revelation. But I didn't get that. I just got you going on about more everything and more greatness.
You talk about everything in the distant sense, in the sense that it's not related to anything else, and it kind of tears down the meaning and the message I was hoping to find in this poem. I keep going back to it and re-reading it hungrily, hoping to find some morsel of meaning besides the last two lines—and the last two lines are the best part.
In the last two lines, you bring us down from the "great body of everything" and into the first-person speaker, who is somewhat analogous to Moses descending with the stone tablets from the peak of Mt Sinai; I think it's honestly the most effective part of the poem, and if the rest of the poem had its sincerity and thought, it would have much more weight behind it.
It's not a bad poem. It's simply a bit weak, too thin of an adhesive to hold together the grandiose images it's trying to achieve. I can't picture these things you describe; I can't figure out where they sit in my worldview. I simply read the words, and when I get to the last two lines, I'm a little more content. But I shouldn't leave this poem content, I should leave it wowed -- it should sit in a little book of inspirational poems I have on my bookshelf -- it shouldn't be in my mental slush pile.
This poem tried to do a lot. At the same time, I wish it tried a little less and I wish it tried so much more, because this could be pretty great. Keep writing!
When I first read this poem I thought it was merely about Gods considering the opening line.
I loved this line. 'Body of everything' was just a great piece of imagery and a lovely way to start off the poem.
I also liked the change in perceptive within the last two stanzas. Throughout the first stanzas you kept a third person view. Then you completely change when you get to the last two lines.
This really made me enjoy the poem a little bit more and even goes a little bit with the content.
I like how you made it seem as if man has replaced gods. Which is why I liked the last two lines it replaces the previous way of narration which I really liked.
All in all an interesting poem but I liked the formate better than the content.
Many thanks for your review!
this is a good poem .. a well written piece
keep it up
Thank you!
Hello!
I loved the content!!! I can definitely see a novel or a short story from it.
The way you place the key words "heaven", "tower", "realm", "heroes", "legends", "gods"...
We can picture a whole mythologic world based on it.
When I read I felt like a man was through some kind of Rite of Passage because of the end.
I finished my reading with these questions in mind: what happened up there? Is he just theorizing about something that already happened? Is he thoughtful because of the view up there? What made him have such a philosophical way of analyzing things?
This can be good because we want more of the text.
On the other hand... We want more of the text! I would love if you write a short story from it, or even a novel. You could expand what you did here.
I would also suggest you to start the lines with capital letters, just for esthetic.
You did a gret job here. I enjoyed reading it very much. ^^
Thank you for your kind words
This is an extract from one of the novels I'm working on. Somewhat.