Last days of a cancer patient........
I know my death is not far
So I don't have problem to worry for
I am counting my days
For escaping I don't have any ways
Specialized doctors in radiology
I slowly change from my teleology
People tell me to be strong
In their view they aren't wrong
I never blame divine
Coz long back I too was virile
I always remain innovative
Though some try to turn me vindictive
The days remaining are few
I wanna spend it doing things new
My own motivation centre
For people like me to venture
Spending time with my family
Without whom I feel lonely
Following paths of great
Which spiritually changes my trait
Helping others financially
Who has never seen me tragically
Totally forgetting my pain
Coz doing good never goes in vain
Finally the day arrived
When my deeds are deprived
I feel really terrible
Coz situations turned horrible
I see my death but I am not sad
I feel the pain but its not bad
Coz I did what I could
Waiting for a rebirth
Not to live long
But to do good things which prolong
By
N ADITI
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
This was, overall, a good poem. As a person with a mother who died of cancer this was a little hard to read, so it's great that it wasn't too sad and focused more on rebirth. However, that's not an objective positive--it's very subjective. You could've gone dark places with this if you wanted, but I'm glad you went where you did.
Some issues I had personally:
-Ellipses are a privilege. Let's not get carried away with them. This is just a stylistic peeve of mine, but when I see dots that extend for more than three times, I get very tired. It does not extend the text for me, it just shows that the author's a little bit of an amateur, even though you show yourself as nothing of the sort. So just a suggestion--try shortening the ellipsis to the intended three dots.
-"Coz" should probably stay in the text message realm. "Because" is it's more professional father, and "'Cause" is it's quirky but still tolerable brother. Honestly, considering the tone, I think we should go for the father.
Other than that, I have little problems with this. Good job.
Signing out--EM.
This is a really well written poem, great rhyme scheme you’ve gotten in there and at a few parts where you seemed to use forced rhyme it still sort of came naturally. Which I truly think is fantastic. What you could really improve on is getting some more emotionally heavy language in there. At first it started of very well with this but it got more and more diluted closer to the center. Also I notice you drop your rhyme scheme in the last 3 sentences, something i think you should reconsider as it feels strange to read it in a specific pattern and then have it suddenly stop. Also to make some simple aesthetic improvements to it, I would split it into stanzas instead of one long text and also use punctuation at the end of a sentence. Other than that I really enjoyed your poem, you’ve got some real talent.
Thankyou friend......thanks a lot....