Today
is a day of great opportunity. It is a day for you and I to mend the
mistakes we've made yesterday. Yesterday is gone for good with its
headaches and its happiness. |
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140,227 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
First off, welcome to YWS. I'm going to be a little critical, but don't take it to heart. Just take it as advice to improve on.
I don't like your organization. The entire poem is completely disorganized and there is absolutely no flow at all. There is no rhyme scheme, or any form of organization. You continue end sentences and start new ones in the same line, which is really frustrating. I think if you created stanzas and organized the poem consistently, your message would be much easier to read.
Another thing is your repetition. Sometimes it can be a very effective tool, other times it completely obliterates your poem. I feel like it is the latter in this poem. You repeat the same phrases over and over throughout and it gets kind of tedious and obnoxious. I understand that you are trying to further your point and it is a great style to master, just tone it down a little bit. Let the reader draw their own inferences on what you're implying instead of deeply explaining literally everything.
Take this as advice, and improve your writing. Thank you for your work.
Thanks
Aditchere, that was a really good poem. I think you hit all the mark of what today is suppose to mean. I though it was really inspirational and I took it to heat. I also go the mean of live in the moment instead of waiting for the future or living in the past. This was a beautifully written poem and I really enjoyed reading it. The flow from line to like was nice. But you did not need to out the title in all caps. It makes it seem like you are yelling and that is not good with this poem in my opinion. Overall I think you did a wonderful job with this and I hope to read more of your work in the future! Keep up the great work!
AshleyDashley
Thanks a lot. I'm glad you liked it.